Re-Evaluating Bad Movies

Pirates of the Caribbean


The Curse of the Black Pearl

I've always liked this movie, but it's never struck me as anything exceptional, even as a kid. A lot of the movie's charms are readily apparent, with the cast being a highlight and Gore Verbinski rendering the spectacle with skill and style. Much as Johnny Depp got the most credit for this movie's success but on rewatches it's really Geoffrey Rush that ties it all together. The overall film is entertaining and generally fun, but held back by the supernatural elements. It's not just that the ghost pirates haven't really held up visually, but their presence defuses the action of any real danger. At a certain point it's clear that most of participants in the various sword fights aren't in any real danger and that reduces the climax to empty spectacle. That's not without it's charm but it does start to get old, at least for me.

B-


Dead Man's Chest

These movies descended into noisy chaos quite quickly. There's a lot of nonsense in Dead Man's Chest with Jack worshiped as a God by a tribe, while most of the plot machinations mainly exist to set up the third movie and don't really have much narrative resonance here. Still, the movie does rebound as it goes. I especially like the conflict which emerges between Jack, Will, and Norrington. Everyone has clear motivations that are understandable and drive the story, even if the action eventually gets a little too over the top for my tastes. I also think the final set-piece against the Kracken is really awesome and probably the best action scene of the series. Oh, and Davy Jones still looks pretty great even 14 years later. Overall, Dead Man's Chest has enough charm to get by, but the writing is on the wall.

C


At Worlds End

All of the tedious plot machinations from the first half of Dead Man's Chest are finally paid off in this over-bloated slog. I think what torpedoed this franchise is when it started thinking it was The Lord of the Rings when it's really The Mask of Zorro. The best elements of The Curse of the Black Pearl are the light-hearted swashbuckling elements. Fun characters who we like with clear motivations engaging in adventure and mischief. Jack Sparrow may be a different type of swashbuckling hero, but those core elements were still there. But by the time we get to At World's End, the series is pushing towards being "epic", with huge armies, effects-heavy battles, and a gargantuan runtime. The thing is, neither the characters or the story are deep enough to really warrant this style of epic storytelling, so we get an overstuffed plot full of twists and betrayals and double-crosses that end up not meaning much. Alliances come and go so quickly that I just stop caring.

I think one of the best examples of this is what I'll call the tragedy of James Norrington. Though playing a rival for Elizabeth's affection in The Curse of the Black Pearl, I always liked that the movie never framed him as a villain or a bad guy. He's a sympathetic character in spite of everything. In Dead Man's Chest, we see his life has fallen apart after failing to capture Jack Sparrow and that film ends with Norrington selling his soul to the East India Trading Company. But after realizing the full scope of his moral degradation, Norrington turns on the villains, sacrificing himself to aid the heroes in their battle against tyranny. Sounds like a great arc right? Well it would be, except Norrington's big moment precedes another hour of action and spectacle. His impact is really quite minimal and by the end of the movie you barely remember he did anything. That's the thing about At World's End, there's some good stuff in it, but it's such a monstrosity of stuff that none of it really matters.

There are other things I could complain about, like the fact that Jack Sparrow has really worn out his welcome by this time (those scenes with multiple Sparrows are brutal) or the fact that the Kraken is killed off-screen, but I think I've made my point. Contrary to how this review might read, I don't hate this movie. Gore Verbinski is able to stage some entertaining action and for all the film's problems it's clear a director's vision is coming through. I also quite like the meeting of the pirate lords, which is the most fun and playful the movie gets.

D+


On Stranger Tides

I made sure to end my review of At World's End by stating that, despite a negative review and low score, I didn't hate the third Pirates movie. No such clarification will be needed for On Stranger Tides; I hate this movie. I didn't think I hated it. When I watched the DVD in 2011 I mostly dismissed it as a lame mediocrity. But on a rewatch the film represents the ultimate nadir of the Pirates franchise, a completely shallow and uninteresting movie with almost nothing going for it. Action scenes go on endlessly without motivation or creativity as the film shambles from one uninteresting set-piece to another. I criticized At World's End for being overstuffed, but On Stranger Tides has the opposite problem. There's virtually no story here. There is a plot with Jack Sparrow searching for the fountain of youth and a badguy doing the same, but there's no character growth or interesting choices to be made or any substance that makes an adventure worthwhile.

There's a brief moment where Jack Sparrow and Barbosa need fight while trying to balance their weight in a precariously placed ship. I kind of like that scene. Otherwise, this movie sucks.

D-


Dead Men Tell No Tales

And so my partner and I have come to the end of our little Pirates of the Caribbean marathon. Not a moment too soon. While certainly an improvement over On Stranger Tides, Dead Men Tell No Tales (a.k.a Salazar's Revenge on Disney Plus for some reason) just further emphasizes how little gas is left in the tank. The once charming Jack Sparrow has been reduced to an embarrassing joke whose buffoonery grates on the eyes and the ears. New characters Henry and Carina don't fare much better. I think Kayla Scodelario has some charm despite the unimaginative character she's tasked with playing, but Brenton Thwaites is an absolute bore. The character who bums me out the most though is Barbossa. Much as resurrecting this character never felt particularly necessary, I didn't really mind because I like watching Geoffrey Rush so much. But it's clear On Stranger Tides and Dead Men Tell No Tales had no idea what to do with this character, so the once frightful and imposing villain sacrifices himself for his long lost daughter or whatever. I miss when Barbossa was cool.

What saves the film is that the pacing is a bit stronger and the action scenes are generally more inventive and exciting. Javier Bardem also gets a lot more to do as the villain even if he's not exactly stretching himself. Those elements help, but the film's awful sense of humour also holds it back, as does the desperately nostalgia pandering in the ending. Had this been a story about Elizabeth trying to save Will that actually might have worked, but relaying this story through the pair's dopey and uninteresting son robs any poignancy.

D

Personally, I'd be more than happy if they never made another one of these movies. This is very much a Jurassic Park situation where one good idea spawned a wave of misbegotten sequels leaching off a carcass of a first movie that was never meant to support them. But another film is in the works so it seems highly likely we'll see the further swashbuckling adventures of Jack Sparrow. Despite my at best apathy and at worst disdain for the Pirates franchise, I do think it can be saved. First and foremost, the filmmakers need to figure out Sparrow. The dude can't be the narrative drive of a movie. There's a reason the first movie is really Will Turner's story. That said, Sparrow is also not the comic buffoon these last two movies thinks he is. Verbinski always took care to show Sparrow's humanity and genuine heroism, something that has been sorely lacking from this series since then. Second, and this is gonna sound pretty basic, but we need an actual story to grasp onto. Dead Men Tell No Tales made a gesture this way but got bogged down in mcguffins and too many boring characters. The heroes need a clear goal and the villain strong motivation to stop them. Otherwise, it's just noise. Tying into that, these movies need to cut out the supernatural shit. Every film has Jack Sparrow fighting ghost pirates or squid pirates or a voodo pirate or Spanish ghost pirates. It's an unnecessary step that robs the action scenes of stakes and it also feels like the filmmakers spend way more time crafting the look of these guys than coming up with motivation.

So there's some improvements you could make to fix this franchise. Or just stop making them. That works too.