Re-Evaluating Bad Movies

When a Navy ship is attacked, only the kitchen staff can save the day.



He out-acted Gary Busey. Not an easy task.




Under Siege 2 has Red Forman.



Erika Eleniak > Pamela Anderson

Is the correct answer.



Never heard of it. What's it about?

Our Man Flint (1966) / In Like Flint (1967)



These movies were terrible. I can't tell if they were James Bond spoofs, campy alternatives or both. 007 producers must have been equally confused considering how cheesy You Only Live Twice turned out. Only reason to watch them is for James Coburn as Derek Flint. Dude's hilarious. Remember when Jibbs complained about James Bond stopping his heart in Die Another Day? That happens here. Remember when SnoBorderZero complained about James Bond going into outer space in Moonraker? That happens here too. Weird, huh? Remember Hans Gruber in Die Hard? There's a Hans Gruber here. Strange how influential these dumb movies were. Surprised there wasn't a 3rd one. Surprised there isn't a 4th Austin Powers. When they gonna make silly James Bond movies again? So many questions, not enough answers.

I love the fight scenes in these movies. Better than James Bond?

Spider-Man 3



I was gonna wait for the 10th anniversary, which is only a month away, but Doomsday had to start shit.

Let's cut to the chase. Let's begin with the negative.

Mary Jane is a bitch. I get she has daddy issues but why you treating Spider-Man like garbage. He's only saved your life, like, 50 times. Harry is also a moron. Your dad was the Green Goblin. He murdered his company executives right in front of your face. Shut your mouth and stop hating on Spider-Man. And why does he lose his memory when it's convenient to the plot and then regain it when it's convenient to the plot? Lazy writing. What's with the jazzy music when Peter and Harry get into a fight at the mansion? What's with the cheesy symbiote theme music? Danny Elfman, where are you?! But you know what really takes the cake? Forgiving Sandman at the end. Accident or not, he killed a defensively old man. Toss his ass back in jail.

With that out of the way, let me tell you WHY Spider-Man 3 is NOT a bad movie.



Notice I left out Emo Peter Parker. That happened 90 minutes into the movie and was largely a montage. Get over it.

Spider-Man 3 works because Peter Parker works. Fanboys always whine about not getting the wisecracking Spider-Man from the comics but I enjoy Sam Raimi's melodramatic interpretation. With Tobey Maguire along for the ride, Peter Parker is a doofus and a man child but his heart is pure. He's honored by New York City and let's a pretty girl innocently kiss him. Mary Jane gives him shit. His next door neighbor is hungry for his cock, but he never takes advantage of her and treats her like a friend. He could cheat on you, Mary Jane. He could cheat on you. There's a job promotion at work and J. Jonah Jameson makes him jump through hopes to get it. He could easily go to a competitor but he's loyal. His uncle's killer is on the loose, he puts on the symbiotic suit and does crazy shit but realizes on his own that it was a mistake. He didn't need some speech by Aunt May to see the errors of his way. Or heck - the family butler that was ignored for the bulk of the trilogy. His best friend is constantly trying to kill him, but he looks past that and always gives him the chance to do the right thing. He even FORGIVES his uncle's murderer and let's him float away. It's easy to call him an idiot but that's why he's a superhero and you're not. You're the asshole.

They say Superman is outdated. Nah. We're outdated. We're the ones who let corporations pollute the planet. We're the ones who let the government mess with our health care. We're the ones who don't support small businesses and stare at our phones instead of participating in our community. Superman is the good guy. Spider-Man is the good guy.

Sam Raimi never lost sight of that. Tobey Maguire never lost sight of that. They put Peter Parker through situations that challenged who he is and what he represented. Think back to Spider-Man 2 when Harry got drunk and slapped him across the face in the middle of a party. He could have said, "hey asshole, your dad was the Green Goblin" but he took the slapping cause he cared about his friend. Think about the scene in this movie when he's about to propose but Mary Jane gives him shit cause she got fired from a play and he innocently kissed a girl at the Spider-Man celebration. He just stared at her confused and heartbroken, never once showing anger. The guy is better than everyone else and never acknowledges it or even realizes it.

Spider-Man 3 is good because I care. I care about what happens to Peter Parker. I care to see how he gets out of it. And most importantly, Sam Raimi gives me reasons to care. Not once, in three movies, does he resort to explosions as a solution. We can mock Peter Parker for forgiving the bad guy but what's the alternative? Blowing up New York City? Breaking the villains neck and then getting something to eat? These movies were always about people, yes, fantasy people, but people nonetheless. They're not about end-of-the-world and good vs evil. They're about emotions, struggles, solutions, growing as a person. These movies are about something when a lot of these movies are about nothing. Can't fault it for that.

No mention of Peter Parker, our supposed hero, largely being kind of a dick for most of this movie?

For SnoBorderZero

Navy Seals (1990)



A group of navy seals, led by Charlie Sheen and Michael Biehn, go after a Middle Eastern terrorist group in possession of stinger missiles. Lots of action scenes. Lots of scenes of the soldiers horseplaying. Lots of scenes of Sheen and Biehn butting heads with their superiors. Did I mention lots of action scenes? This is what you'd call... military porn. Picture Trump supporters jerking off to this movie. America, fuck yeah! There isn't much else to say. Navy Seals probably killed Biehn's career. He never again starred in a major film - unless you wanna count Tombstone which is a Kurt Russell vanity project. Sheen quickly bounced back with Hot Shots. That man is always - winning.

The 80s and 90s: when even Charlie Sheen was an action star.

Cuba (1979)



If you were making a movie about the communist takeover of Cuba, you might consider putting the spotlight on the issues that led to the change in government and all the major players. Richard Lester, however, had a different approach. He focused on Sean Connery rekindling a love affair with an old flame. Lame. Saddest part is that it's a really well made movie. Beautifully shot. Great locations. Top talent. All wasted on a shitty script.

Same stache from Meteor:

The Cotton Club (1984)



Now that Doomsday survived New York New York, it's time for him to tackle The Cotton Club. You too SnoBorderZero ... and PG Cooper . This might be Francis Ford Coppola worst movie. Seriously. Even Jack is better. I first watch The Cotton Club in high school and fell asleep a quarter into it. It was time to give it a second chance since Dooms' sat through the awful New York New York and Sno watched some of Coppola's early work.

The Cotton Club revolves around three characters: Richard Gere as a musician (and eventually Hollywood actor) who falls in love with a gangster's girlfriend (played by a barely legal Diane Lane), Gregory Hines as a dancer (naturally) and Nicolas Cage as a young man rising in the ranks of the mob.

What does any of this have to do with the legendary Cotton Club? Very little. Quick history lesson for those out of the loop. The Cotton Club was a whites only nightclub in Harlem, New York during the Prohibition era. The performers were mostly Black entertainers. I hate to pull the race card but it's warranted here. This movie should have obviously been about race relations and not white gangsters shooting each other. That's the least of the problems, however, because even as a gangster movie it doesn't work. It's slow, boring and none of the characters are interesting except for maybe Gregory Hines who's just playing himself.

Only redeeming parts are the musical numbers and the overall look of the movie. But those aren't enough to sit through 2 hours of this shit.