It's gonna be... May the 4th. STAR WARS!

I actually didn't mind the Han Solo scene on a second watch.

How can she be a Skywalker?  She still has both her hands.

My chosen viewing order:
Attack of the Clones
The Last Jedi
Solo
The first one, whatever the fuck
The Phantom Menace
Revenge of the Sith
Holiday Special
Return of the Jedi
Rogue One
Clone Wars
The Force Awakens
The Empire Strikes Back

The Rise of Skywalker goes into the bin.

I thought it was called Space Mutiny.

SnoBorderZero Wyldstaar

I sat through Phantom Menace on TNT cause I’m a fucking masochist. But something occurred to me that would make an excellent PG Cooper video essay. The parallels between New Hope and Phantom Menace.

The original version of New Hope, before George Lucas’ wife rescued it in the editing room, was a mess. There was a whole sub-plot of Luke and his dorky friends. Scenes were in the wrong order. The special effects were a joke until ILM got its shit together. John Williams, obviously, played a pivotal role in the success of the movie. New Hope, or “Star Wars” as it was known at the time, was a notoriously troubled production — salvaged by the people around Lucas.

With the Phantom Menace, Lucas had no one to tell him, “no.” But what if a brave soul had stepped up to challenge Lucas? Here are a few ways the Phantom Menace could have, as industry professionals such as SnoBorderZero would say, “fix it in post.”

1. The tax/trade dispute is stupid as hell, but unfortunately, it’s ingrained in the film and can’t be discarded. Fortunately... you can work around it. Jar Jar and the frog people are dumb characters but they do highlight a theme in the prequels. These ugly frog people live underwater in Naboo as outcasts cause the pretty & posh humans control the planet. Instead of opening the movie with Liam Neeson and Ewan MacDonald attempting to negotiate planetary disputes with the lizard people, establish Naboo as a setting and its humans as flawed.

2. Introduce the Jedi Counsel in the opening scenes. Arguably, the biggest running theme in the prequels is the politicization of the Jedi. Firmly establish in the opening of your new trilogy that the Jedi have become corrupt and easy to manipulate. Show how Palpatine is using that to his advantage — in addition to his shenanigans in the senate.

3. Axe Anakin. Yeah, fuck it. Anakin doesn’t belong in this film. The whole movie comes to a standstill when they go to Tatooine and waste their time on Anakin. I do enjoy the podracing, and hate to lose a cool N64 era video game, but I’d be willing to sacrifice it for the sake of the film.

4. This, of course, would require massive reshoots but that’s normal for modern Hollywood and is always factored into the budget. Instead of hiding in Tatooine, our core cast could actually escape & outrun the lizard people. This would require George Lucas to come up with a bigger and better action scene than R2 fixing the shields. It would also mean giving the scenes in Coruscant more weight. Better establish the characters and their relationship with each other. If you’re gonna go balls deep into senate politics and Jedi politics, don’t half ass it. It would also be an opportunity to better establish Darth Maul as a threat. Basically, I would have given this movie an entirely different 2nd act. Or in actuality, given the movie an actual 2nd act. That’s the core issue with Phantom Menace. It has no 2nd act. It’s just two 1st acts and then a meaningless 3rd act revolved around frog people vs robots that distract from the badass lightsaber fight.

5. Restructure the climax. If you firmly establish the characters, their relationships and their world, that frog vs droid vs lizard battle would have resonance. But... you can’t distract from Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan vs Darth Maul. That’s the emotional core of the movie. Qui-Gon’s death needs to mean something. Darth Maul’s death needs to mean something. And it should be what sets up Anakin in Episode II. As I said earlier, Anakin has no place in Phantom Menace but you can certainly set the stage for him. Qui-Gon is, like, the Bernie Sanders of the Jedi. The radical left. And Palpatine is Moscow Mitch. Obi-Wan losing a mentor and Palpatine losing an apprentice can connect these two characters. Anakin serves as a hole in their lives. Someone they can battle ideology through. They both feel Anakin is “the chosen one” of their side. Instead of ending Phantom Menace with the frog people parade, you could end it on a somber note that sets up Episode II.

No. No.

No.

I think we all took too much LDS.