A Neverending Journey Into The Obscure!

All in. Why would a dude who no doubt got endless ass need to masturbate anyway?

Woman of Straw (1964)



The same year Sean Connery made Goldfinger and Marnie, he made Woman of Straw. It's a blend of both movies. Connery is well-dressed, suave and charming. It's as if he just walked off the set of Goldfinger. In fact, I'm 99.9% sure he did. There's a scene where he literally wears the white tuxedo from the pre-title scenes in Goldfinger. Seriously!



Maybe I'm crazy and Jibbs and Dracula will bring me back to reality, but I wanna believe that Sean Connery stole wardrobe from Goldfinger to wear in another movie and Cubby Broccoli lost his shit when he found out. After Connery, there was a clause that actors portraying James Bond couldn't wear tuxedos in other movies. I suspect this was the origin.



In addition to playing James Bond lite, Connery is also an asshole like in Marnie. There's even a scene where he slaps a woman. I get it was the 1960's but what's the deal with Connery abusing women in all these movies? He must have had a higher ratio than his peers. It makes it difficult to defend him and these movies probably wouldn't play well with today's audience. He borderline raped Pussy Galore in Goldfinger and, if I remember correctly, actually raped Marnie. And I know SnoBorderZero and PG Cooper got butt hurt about my lack of enthusiasm for The Apartment but that movie is rape-y too. It's gonna be a sad day when movies from the 70's begin to age too. Enjoy these movies while you still can, guys.

Anyway, in the movie, Connery's uncle is a millionaire douchebag comically similar to Donald Trump. I actually thought Connery was playing the good guy until the movie had to play with my emotions. Connery realizes that his uncle is smitten with his nurse, played by Italian sex symbol Gina Lollobrigida, and convinces her to marry him so they could inherit his money when he dies. She finds the uncle repulsive, but hey, money is money and she is having sex with Connery on the side. Then there's a few twists and turns and the movie ends like a game of Clue.

It's silly. It's a soap opera. But every time I see Connery wearing clothes he clearly stole from the James Bond wardrobe department I laughed my ass off. I recommend the movie just for that. There's also fine performances from Connery and his castmates. It's not a bad movie. It's very well made. It's very British. It's very 60's. The soundtrack is Beethoven music. It's just that the plot is basically an episode of Dynasty. This pales in comparison to Goldfinger and Marnie. It's the odd movie of the trio.

Steel and Lace (1990)



This is a real movie and not a Grindhouse trailer parody. It’s about a rape victim who commits suicide after her rapists are acquitted in court. Her lawyer, played by Bruce Davison, is so distraught by this that he becomes a mad scientist and turns her corpse into a cyborg. What follows is 90 minutes of bad acting and gory deaths. Two thumps up!

See Doomsday the movies Neverending digs up on here, let me tell ya.

It's always weird seeing 1960s Bronson since he doesn't have the stache.

The Fortune



Oof. I'd hoped a Mike Nichols film from 1975 with Warren Beatty and Jack Nicholson would be something of a gem, but it quickly became clear why no one talks about The Fortune. The film is a comedy about two guys and their schemes to marry an heiress for her fortune. Fine enough premise, but the film is just painfully unfunny. Every joke lands with a hollow thud as Beatty and Nicholson scream at each other, while Nichols seems completely baffled with how to even present the material. The cinematography by John A. Alonzo (of Chinatown fame) is pretty good, but otherwise the film is a grueling experience. I don't think I laughed once. Just a ridiculous misfire of epic proportion that's been rightfully forgotten.

D-

They can't all get videos.

I'm pretty proud. I stumbled across the film on TV and thought "A Mike Nichols mid-70s caper with Jack Nicholson and Warren Beatty, AND shot by the cinematographer of Chinatown? How is this bad boy not a revered classic?"

Because it was fucking awful turned out to be the clear and succinct answer.

NIGHT TRAIN TO PARIS (1964)



Nielsen, Leslie Nielsen. Made prior to his glorious comedy career, the film is about a spy traveling from London to Paris on train to deliver a reel of tape containing defense information. He faces many obstacles along the way. The film is one of many that were made at the height of James Bond's popularity. It's light and breezy and fun to watch. Best of all, it stars Leslie Nielsen.

STALKING LAURA (1993)



It might surprise Dracula to learn that white terrorism isn’t an invention of the Donald Trump era. Take the case of Richard Farley for example. In 1988, after 4 years of stalking and harassing his co-worker Laura Black, he’s issued a restraining order. Farley reacts by walking into a gun store, that runs no background check on him, and purchased an alarming number of weapons and ammunition. The next day he arrives at work and kills 7 people, injures Laura Black and has a stand-off with police.

This might all seem mild to our Canadian brother PG Cooper in a time in which people are getting murdered at Walmart but it illustrates a bigger issue.

For starters, Farley openly stalked and harassed Laura Black and no one did anything about it including their employer. They worked for a tech company in California, that had a government contract, and Laura Black was among a very small percentage of women employed. Fun fact: the owner became Secretary of State for Bill Clinton. Anyway, the company did nothing, and apparently, there were no anti-stalking laws in 1980’s California. So you have a situation in which women are treated like second-class citizens, gun laws are practically non-existent and sociopaths roam freely. This was 1988. It’s 2019. Has anything changed?

This incident was turned into a CBS television movie of the week in 1993, titled I Can Make You Love Me, but now known by its European theatrical title Stalking Laura. To the amusement of SnoBorderZero, its been remastered in 4K for us all to enjoy. Brooke Shields plays Laura Black and John-Boy from The Walton’s plays Richard Farley. The movie does an admirable job of documenting the chain of events. From what I can tell, it doesn’t seem to embellish much. It’s straight forward and accurate. But it comes across as one of those HR videos you have to watch at work - but in 4K and with well-known actors. So it lacks artistic merits but it’s certainly educational and far from the worst thing I’ve watched for this thread.

Brooke Shields is in her living room, Norma Desmond style, watching her movies in 4K.