Star Wars: The Last Jedi - Review Thread

STAR WARS: EPISODE VIII - THE LAST BONER



Is anyone gonna fuck in these movies? First, they cocktease us with Poe and Finn. Disney was destined to break new ground with the first ever male gay couple in a major Hollywood blockbuster. But nooooo... they had to throw in Rose. This ain't Titanic. Toss that bitch off the ship. Now they have a whole movie with sexual tension between Rey and Kylo Ren and it leads to nothing. This motherfucker killed Snoke for you. At least suck his dick. Speaking of which... what happened to Snoke? He was supposed to be this badass villain and he goes out like Darth Maul. This ain't the Phantom Menace. Did George Lucas break into Rian Johnson's house at night and secretly re-wrote his script? This is Episode 8. It's the middle chapter of the third trilogy. It's the cliffhanger. The audience is supposed to leave the theater hyped for the finale. Instead... there's nothing left to get excited about. Snoke is dead. Carrie Fisher is dead. Luke is a ghost now. Rey and Kylo Ren ain't fucking. What's gonna be the plot of Episode 9? Blow up another Death Star?

People are complaining about Poe, Finn & Rose, Leia randomly using the Force and all sorts of nonsense. But all of that is the least of this movies problems. It killed all the tension halfway through the trilogy by ignoring the most logical plot point. Rey and Kylo Ren have to fuck.

Hear me out, folks.

Luke Skywalker is a dick. He runs away. He goes into hiding. He refuses to join Rey and the Resistance. That leads to the sexual tension between Rey and Kylo Ren. Instead of training to become a master Jedi, Rey spends the whole movie having Skype calls with a shirtless Kylo Ren. By the way, if your audience didn't laugh their ass off at shirtless Kylo Ren, you watched this movie with the wrong crowd. Anyway, Rey having been disillusioned by Luke, goes to join Kylo Ren and defeat Snoke. That's when you end the movie. When Kylo Ren turns to Rey and says, "you ain't a Skywalker or Solo. You're a nobody. Come join me and have a purpose in this story", that's when Rey is supposed to say yes and cue Episode 9. Instead we get this finale that feels like the conclusion of this particular saga. Other than Kylo Ren still being alive and the war still going on, nothing was set-up for Episode 9. The audience is left with this feeling of, "that's it? We're done?" Just because the war isn't over doesn't mean anything. This war has technically been going on since Revenge of the Sith. It's the personal stories that we care about. Right now, the stories are over. Rey is the new hope. Kylo Ren has embraced the dark side. Finn is no longer a coward. Poe has learned to be a better leader. Tell me. What's next? The final confrontation? Bo-ring. It doesn't matter if there's no emotional stakes.

Let's hope J.J. Abrams can prove me wrong.