The Neverending Top Ten Thread

In high school, I was one of the very few who refused to create a Myspace account. Even then I was a rebel. There was also the smug smile of this guy:

TEN STUPID MOVIES I LOVED AS A KID

There's something about being a kid that makes you less judgemental towards movies. Then again, if a baby can be amused by a game of peek-a-boo, then I suppose a child can enjoy terrible movies. And here are ten that provided hours of entertainment for me.

#10 - 3 NINJAS (1992)



Hollywood has never changed. They're always looking for something to rip-off. In the early `90s, two of the biggest franchises were Ninja Turtles and Home Alone. So, someone got the bright idea of combining the two and that resulted in this movie. It's the tale of three suburban white boys who, for reasons never revealed, have an Asian grandfather and they spent their entire summer studying Ninjutsu with him. Then when they're kidnapped by a major criminal (their father is an FBI agent who's after the guy) they use their skills to escape and save the day.

It's easy for a child to enoy this movie. It's about three kids who kick butt. As an adult, you realize it's about three kids who defeat a criminal empire and begin to wonder how this thing got greenlit in the first place.

#9 - FREE WILLY (1993)



Surprisingly, this movie still holds up. It's quite touching. The score is fantastic. And, I even like the Michael Jackson song. But the plot is kinda dumb when you think about it. The reason why the boy has to rescue Willy is because the owner of the amusement park wants to kill him and collect the insurance money. Doesn't that defeat the purpose? The damn whale was the center piece of the park. This is like if SeaWorld decided to kill Shamu. You're eventually gonna have to replace the whale and I assume they aren't cheap.

#8 - ROOKIE OF THE YEAR (1993)



You know the Chicago Cubs are in trouble when they need a 12-year-old to save the day. Like, 3 Ninjas, there's a reason why a child would enjoy this movie. But a cynical adult will have a difficult time. I mean, isn't there a child labor law that would prevent a kid from playing major league baseball? Worst of all, this is the same damn kid who went down on Tara Reid six years later. It ruins everything. Atleast we'll always have, "pitcher has a big butt".

#7 - ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD (1994)


ONE DAY I WILL INVADE YOUR MIND

Speaking of baseball movies. . . could this have been more propaganda? Leave it up to Disney to make a film about the team they own. And could Joseph Gordon-Levitt have had a more embarrasing early career? I don't think he's ever gonna live down this movie. And. . . you know the Angels are in trouble when they need divine intervention to win.

#6 - BLANKMAN (1994)



Before Kick-Ass there was. . . Blankman! I won't lie. This movie still makes me laugh. But I find it disappointing that Damon Wayans did not take the ballsy route. His character has, um, mental issues. This is a guy who lives in the hood, but is completely ignorant to everything around him. It takes the murder of his grandmother to snap him out of it. But instead of trying to rescue the neighborhood like a normal person, he decides to become a goofy superhero. With a few major risks, this could have been a very interesting comedy with social commentary. Intead, it's just a silly movie that becomes more ridiculous by the minute.

#5 - NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER (1986)



Jean-Claude Van Damme made a lot of stupid movies, but this one takes the cake. And the amusing thing is that he wasn't even the main character. He played the villain! He played the henchman for the Russian mob. When he breaks the leg of some kid's father, the kid gets help from Bruce Lee's ghost to defeat Van Damme in a martial arts tournament. That's right. Bruce Lee! How bad of a fighter do you have to be for Bruce Lee's ghost to pity you?

#4 - K9 (1989)


WHAT DOES A DOG HAVE TO DO TO GET OUT OF THIS MOVIE?

Everyone loves Turner & Hooch, but K9 is a WAY better movie. It's just too bad that both films are equally stupid. I'm sure dogs make good police officers, but I'm not sure how useful they are besides looking for drugs.

#3 - POLICE ACADEMY (1984)


KIM CATTRALL WASN'T ALWAYS OLD

If I made a list of the movies I've watched the most times, this would be in the top 10. It's not something to be proud of, but one cannot deny how hilarious it is. But, yeah, it's a little embarrasing to admit it.

#2 - CHILD'S PLAY (1988)


A GIFT EVERY CHILD SHOULD HAVE!

Chucky is a scary movie till you realize it's a freakin' toy and you could just kick it. I will give it credit for being kind of funny. So, it isn't a total waste. But...come on...what were we thinking back then? Well, I guess, Chucky could hold his own in a fight against a small child.

#1 - ROCKY IV (1985)



Nothing about this movie makes any sense. A steroid-filled Russian named Ivan Drago shows up in America for an exhibition fight against former champ Apollo Creed. Mr. Creed welcomes the lad by having James Brown perform Living In America in front of his face. Really?! No one thought this would be a horrible idea? As expected, Drago gets pissed and kills Apollo during the fight. You'd think the Ref would have stepped in when he saw half of Apollo's blood on the floor. It's a friggin exhibition fight! Then, Rocky decides to get revenge by beating up Drago in his homeland. Why?! Beating up Drago isn't gonna solve anything. A more logical approach would be launching an investigation. I'm sure a few laws were broken in that fight. Drago had enough steroids in him to kill a horse.

But perhaps I'm over-analyzing a movie that's 70% music montages.

Don't lie. You laughed when he sang, "pitcher has a big butt."

You complain about that but not the child playing professional baseball?

10 CLASSIC SHOWS THAT NEWER GENERATIONS DON'T KNOW EXIST



The nature of television has changed. Video games, DVD/Blu-Ray's, and the internet has changed the way programmers schedule a TV channel. Remember when you were in elementary school and a teacher would always ask how many hours of television you watched? I'd bet the answer was, "a lot." That is, unless, you had strict parents. These days, the newer generations aren't as TV obsessed as we were. And so, programmers need to make sure that these audiences watch their shows. That's why they air the same thing over and over again. Remember when you were a kid and you'd put on Nick at Nite and there would be atleast 10 different shows on the line-up. And now, you tune in and it's the same 3 shows over and over again. They do that to make sure some nocturnal high school kid doesn't miss an episode of Home Improvement. But here's the problem. With less shows on the air there's going to be more shows that younger audiences won't be introduced to. In our day, we were very well-versed in TV history. We could watch Seinfeld and then switch to another channel and watch I Love Lucy. These days, audiences don't have that option. So, here are 10 shows that I fear will be forgotten...or may have already been:



#10 - DRAGNET (1951-59)







The police drama is a staple of television. Tune in to most network channels at 10pm and you're likely to encounter a cop show. Dragnet was the program that started the craze. It invented the rules. It also took the idea of taking real life stories and producing a fictionalized version of it. In other words, it paved the way for Law & Order. And yet, when was the last time this show aired on TV? Think about it. When was the last time you were channel surfing and saw Dragnet airing? You'd think a groundbreaking program like this would get more respect. You know we live in a messed up world when Matlock is still on the air and Dragnet isn't.



#9 - DISNEY'S ZORRO (1957-59)







If you watched Disney Channel in the `80s or `90s, Zorro was perhaps the best old school show they aired. I used to stay up late to watch the airings on their Vault Disney block. The amazing thing about Zorro is its sophistication. In an era where shows about costumed heroes were played for laughs, here was one that took it seriously. Granted, there was comic relief through supporting characters like Sgt. Garcia. But the bulk of the show focused on long story arcs, adventure, and action scenes that weren't afraid to get violent. A decade ago when Disney Channel decided to reformat into what it is now, they eliminated all the old shows. So, an entire generation has grown without this amazing series. To them, Zorro is just that Antonio Banderas movie.



#8 - THE MUNSTERS (1964-66)







The `60s were a time of change. You had the Civil Rights Movement. There was the Counter-Culture. It was also a violent time. JFK was assassinated. As were leaders of the Civil Rights Movement. We were at war with Vietnam. And yet, you would never know that if you watched `60s television. This was the era where TV got very... cartoony. Watching `60s television is like nowadays watching the Disney Channel. And yet, there was a charm to it. It was escapist TV at its best. These days, people like to escape their problems by watching silly reality shows like Jersey Shore or competition programs like American Idol. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather watch something with a little more creativity. Taking classic Universal monsters and turning them into a typical sitcom family was genius. Keep in mind, this was an entire decade before Young Frankenstein. Herman Munster in many ways paved the road for Peter Boyle's comedic take. The show hasn't really been on the air since Nick at Nite stopped airing it in the late `90s. But you will be happy to know that you can stream it on Netflix.



#7 - GILLIGAN'S ISLAND (1964-67)







Everything I said above applies here too. Except it's strange how this show disappeared from television. At one point it was the most syndicated program on TV. I don't know how you go from that to, well, nothing. Gilligan hasn't been on national television since TNT decided to become the "We Know Drama" channel.



#6 - WONDER WOMAN (1975-79)







I think it's funny how Wonder Woman is getting a new TV show and the original hasn't been on television in like 15 years. I guess to say that people don't remember this show is a lie, but honestly, how many have actually seen it? This series is more famous through reputation than actual viewership. I suppose that's better than nothing, but it's only a matter of time before it gets lost in the shuffle and forgotten.



#5 - SCTV (1976-84)







I wouldn't be surprised if this show is still incredibly popular in Canada, but in the States it hasn't been relevant since NBC aired it at 1:35am during its transition from Later to Last Call with Carson Daly. This is a fascinating show because it consists of comedians who weren't good enough for the original cast of Saturday Night Live. And the show they made wasn't anywhere as good either. But it was an amusing series and launched the careers of John Candy, Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis, Catherine O' Hara, Eugene Levy, and Martin Short to name a few. In the world of comedy this is a very iconic show.



#4 - MAGNUM, P.I. (1980-88)







Hollywood is currently going through a phase where they're making big-screen adaptations of silly action shows from the `80s. Surprisingly, Magnum, P.I. hasn't been one of them. That's most likely because anyone who grew up on this show will want to do it right. You can't really make a comedic version of a series that tackled serious issues. Magnum, P.I., unlike its imitators, did a wonderful job of balancing drama with humor. When the series began, the character was 35 but complained that he was never 25. He had the misfortune of being the right age when the Vietnam War began. He spent his entire youth as a soldier in a war that they could not win. So, a lot of the humor comes from Magnum trying to make up for his lost youth. But he is a veteran and is past is constantly haunting him. And that's where most of the drama comes from. This series was unique in that it tried to capture a different aspect of the Vietnam vet. Hollywood went from portraying them as people with mental abuse in the early to mid `70s to showing their emotional abuse in the late `70s. The Deer Hunter did both. So, in 1980 we got a new take through this show. We got a guy who survived, moved on, but still has a few demons to overcome. But as popular as this show was in its initial run, it hasn't had much of a syndication life. These days, Tom Selleck is better known as Monica's old man boyfriend on Friends.



#3 - 21 JUMP STREET (1987-91)







Here's a prime example of a show that contributed a lot to TV history, but no one acknowledges it because those influences have been forgotten. To begin with, in 1987, there really wasn't a teen drama. Unless you count Degrassi which was Canadian. This show pretty much paved the way for everything from Beverly Hills 90210 to Dawson's Creek to Gossip Girls. I know that's nothing to be proud of, but it is a popular genre, and we all watched shows like those at some point in our lives. 21 Jump Street was also the first legitmate hit for FOX. Look at it this way. The reveune paid for The Simpsons. The Simpsons, at the time, cost $1 million per episode. They had to get the money from somewhere. And it wasn't from The Tracy Ullman Show. But, most importantly, this show launched the career of Johnny Depp. Before 21 Jump Street, Johnny Depp had big roles in Nightmare on Elm Street and Platoon. Neither did much for his career. It took a show about cops going undercover at high school's on a brand new network to bring him fame and success. Go figure.



#2 - IN LIVING COLOR (1990-94)







Next to the Flip Wilson Show, this is perhaps the biggest urban sketch comedy show. And yet, the breakout star was the white guy. Hilarious. No, but seriously, this show pretty much paved the way for the revival of urban comedies on TV. It premiered before Fresh Prince, Martin, and the entire UPN network. And yet, for whatever reason, it hasn't had the same syndication life as those programs. Aside from a stint on FX in the early to mid `90s, I can't think of anywhere else this show has aired. TBS airs 2 hours of Fresh Prince everyday, MTV 2 just launched a "Mornings with Martin" block, but no one wants to air In Living Color? Come on! There are 10-year-old kids who have never heard of Fire Marshall Bill.



#1 - BAYWATCH (1989-2001)







Baywatch hasn't technically be forgotten. It's still part of pop culture to some degree. But anyone who was BORN in the last 15 years has no idea what an impact Baywatch made. It was the biggest show in the world. It turned first-run syndicated shows into a serious business. Pamela Anderson became the Farrah Fawcitt of her day. But people who "grew up" in the `00s never paid much attention to it. I have younger siblings who have never seen this show and have only heard of it because of all the David Hasselhoff jokes. I wouldn't be surprised if sometime during this decade the show becomes ancient history. Even though a lot of its impact is still be felt today.

TOP 10 JOHNNY DEPP CHARACTERS



I probably should have waited till we got closer to the release of Pirates 4, but f--k it. Let's just get it over with. So anyway, Johnny Depp is arguably the greatest actor of our generation. The man is incredibly verstile and has created some of the most unique roles of the past 20 years. Making this list was not an easy task. Actually, I'm lying. It was pretty easy.



#10 - RANGO from, um, RANGO (2011)







SO FAR, Rango has been 2011's best movie and it featured another amazing character by Johnny Depp. He not only voiced the animated chameleon, but did the motion capture as well. Rango is a dreamer. He's a lonely pet who somehow got stuck as the Sheriff in a spaghetti western. The amusing thing about the character is that he's a nobody, but must transform into a somebody in order to rescue a dying town. Sometimes it helps to have a wild imagination. And be a little dumb too.



#9 - AXEL BLACKMAR from ARIZONA DREAM (1991)







Arizona Dream is the best Johnny Depp movie that no one has seen. This film is so damn obscure that Warner Bros won't release it on DVD unless you order it specifically through their Archive Program. Axel Blackmar is the perfect role for Johnny Depp. In fact, it's perhaps too perfect. Sometimes you get the feeling that Johnny Depp is just playing himself. Which is why I'm not giving it a higher rank. Axel Blackmar is just an eccentric guy who has wacky adventures with other eccentric people while Iggy Pop plays on the soundtrack. If you told me this film was autobiographical, I would believe it.


#8 - HUNTER S. THOMPSON from FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS (1998)







Johnny Depp basically turned Hunter S. Thompson into a cartoon character. Everything anybody knows about Hunter S. Thompson is from this movie. That's how big of an impact Johnny Depp made. Most people don't even know that Bill Murray played the role back in the `80s. His portrayal was much more realistic. As crazy as that may sound. Check out that film when you get a chance. It's titled, Where the Buffalo Roam.



#7 - FBI AGENT JOSEPH D. PISTONE from DONNIE BRASCO (1997)







Playing the FBI agent who took down the mob in the 1970's is perhaps the biggest accomplishment for Johnny Depp as an actor. He proved that he could play straight roles. He also proved that he could hold his own opposite a heavyweight like Al Pacino. Keep in mind this was back when Al Pacino still gave a s--t about acting.



#6 - CIA AGENT SHELDON SANDS from ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (2003)







Robert Rodriguez made a mistake in casting Johnny Depp as Agent Sands. The rest of the cast was so mediocre that he stole the entire movie. No one gave a s--t about anything else except his section of the story. Even Antonio Banderas, who was pretty badass in Desperado, could not compete.



#5 - EDWARD D. WOOD, JR. from ED WOOD (1994)







You know, sometimes I wonder if in 50 years they'll make a bio-pic of Uwe Boll where the actor is so charming and likeable that you'll gain a whole new respect for the filmmaker. The fact is, Tim Burton and Johnny Depp made up the whole thing. Ed Wood was an alcholic and ended his career making porn movies. He wasn't even that close to Bela Lugosi. But the fictionalized version of the story sure made for some great entertainment.



#4 - SAM from BENNY & JOON (1993)







"...for I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 miles more. TADAAALALALLALA! TADAAALALALLALA! TADAAALALALLALA!" Oh, sorry. I got distracted. Anyway, playing a mentally disabled person is one of Hollywood's biggest cliches'. But leave it up to Johnny Depp to make him the most charming retard in cinema history. It's a disgrace that he didn't get an Oscar nomination.


#3 - GILBERT GRAPE from WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE (1993)







I can relate so much to Johnny Depp in this movie that it's crazy. He does so many things here that are ripped out of my life that I feel like someone has been stalking me. Everytime I watch this movie I feel disappointed that Johnny Depp no longer plays roles like these. Dude has sold out. Films like this, Benny & Joon, and Arizona Dream were Johnny Depp at his most relatable. Those were down to Earth guys fighting to survive in this crazy world.



#2 - CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW from the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN FRANCHISE (2003 - Present)







In 2003, after 19 years in the business, Johnny Depp finally made his mark in pop culture. He created the most inventive character of the 21st century SO FAR. When Johnny Depp dies, his tomb will say, "here lies Jack Sparrow." Come on. You know it's true.



#1 - EDWARD SCISSORHANDS from, um, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (1990)







To most people, Johnny Depp is and will always be Jack Sparrow. Then there's a small group of us who are rebelling. For us, Johnny Depp is Edward Scissorhands! Recently, JBond did a list of the greatest robots. He forgot to include Edward Scissorhands. Why? Because people ALWAYS forget that the character is a machine. Remember the flashback where Vincent Price is being amused by his cookie-making contraption? Then he grabs a cookie shaped like a heart and holds up in front of the robot making them? Yeah...that's Edward Scissorhands. That's why his hands are, um, scissors. They're used to create the shapes for the cookies. That's also why he's able to turn your tree into a dinosaur, give you a goofy haircut, and build ice sculptures. But no one ever thinks about this. Why? Because Johnny Depp humanizes the character. You BELIEVE you're watching a human-being. You BELIEVE he can have sex with Winona Ryder even though he probably doesn't even have a penis. I mean, it's pretty dangerous to give a man with scissorhands a penis. How his he supposed to urinate, or heck, even wipe his butt? The fact that people never think of this is a testament to Depp's performance, Tim Burton's direction, and Danny Elfman's beautiful score. You're so caught up in the emotions of the story that logic goes out the window.

Good formula breaking list.

DISCLAIMER: NOT A JOKE.



I dedicate this list to MasterChief and... that other guy. (NOTE: I apologize, MovieBuff.)


#10 - THE NIPPLES DON'T GET IN THE WAY!
People always b---h and moan about the nipples on the batsuit in Batman & Robin. Those same people always forget that there was also nipples in Batman Forever. The difference is that no one really pays attention to that in Batman Forever. It kinda blends in with the suit. The suit is dark enough... and Batman is shot with enough shadows that you don't really notice it.

#9 - GOTHAM LOOKS... MORE REAL.
By 1995, CGI had kicked the door down. Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park showed what the technology was capable of doing. Visual Effects Supervisor John Dykstra (Star Wars, Spider-Man) used that technology to make Gotham City look like a real city. I love the sets in the Tim Burton films, but you can tell it's a studio backlot. That isn't the case here. Gotham here looks pretty legit.

#8 - THE CAMERA WORK
Ignore the neon and green lights for a second. You can blame Joel Schumacher and production designer Barbara Ling for that. Director of Photography, Stephen Goldblatt, earned his paycheck by giving us a very cool, almost MTV-like, movie.

#7 - THE GUY WHO POINTS AND SHOUTS, "BATMAN!!!!!"
What's up with that dude? He randomly pops up every once in a while. Does he attend criminally infected places hoping to see Batman? Then shout and point out to people that he has arrived?!

Check this dude out:




#6 - THE SOUNDTRACK KICKS ASS!

Elliot Goldenthal's Theme:




Seal's Kiss from a Ross:





#5 - NICOLE KIDMAN IS HOT!



Before botox, Nicole Kidman was quite the hottie. She was also the first Tom Cruise wife to appear in a Batman movie.

#4 - THE BATMOBILE IS AWESOME!






#3 - THE ACTION SCENES ARE PRETTY COOL!
This film is very over-the-top with its action scenes. And flashy too. The batmobile drives up the damn wall. But that's what happens when you get a gay dude directing. It's all about the... presentation. But I like it nonetheless. I would even argue that this movie has some of the best action scenes in ALL of the Batman flicks.

#2 - VAL KILMER WAS A GOOD BATMAN!



People do not give Val Kilmer enough credit. He was a darn good Batman! His performance is in-between what Michael Keaton and Christian Bale gave us. He's serious, dark, and psychological like Keaton. But he's a bit more social and out-going like Christian Bale. He's in the middle of the two extremes. Plus, he didn't allow Joel Schumacher's nonsense to get in the way!

#1 - IT'S DARKER AND MORE PSYCHOLOGICAL THAN PEOPLE REMEMBER!
People tend to forget - or maybe don't realize - that Batman Forever concludes what Tim Burton started. That's why he remained as a producer. In Batman, Bruce Wayne kills the murderer of his parents. In Batman Returns, he loses his motivation and attempts to settle down with Selina Kyle. In Batman Forever, he quits but realizes that he's both Bruce Wayne and Batman because he CHOOSES to be. Plus, the death of Dick Grayson's parents triggers some repressed memories for Bruce Wayne. Many of which, unfortunately, laid in the cutting room floor. So, Bruce Wayne definitely battles his demons here.

You lost me at:

I am serious Kilmer was a better Batman Then Keaton because Keaton was a better BeattleJuice. Sure he is a likable Batman is Keaton. But Kilmer does a better Bruce Wayne which no other did very well. Even Bale failed to make me believe he was a rich mogal. I hated how Tommy Lee JOnes was a goof when he could have been a great dangerous Villian.

TOP 10 TEEN SITCOMS


#10 - EERIE, INDIANA (1991-92)



This short-lived series was produced by Joe Dante (Gremlins, The 'Burbs) as a "Twilight series for kids." But anyone familiar with Dante's work knows that the man has one twisted sense of humor. If you haven't seen this show since childhood (or haven't seen it at all) I suggest you check it out on Netflix's Instant Streaming.

#9 - GLEE (2009 - Present)
Glee is many things (some good, some bad), but it's also a pretty darn funny show that takes a more exaggerated look at high school life from the perspective of the students, teachers, administrators and parents. That's what I like about it. . . no one is "excluded."

#8 - UNDECLARED (2001-02)
Only Judd Apatow can turn a 30-minute sitcom about college life on network television into a good show. It just comes to show that you don't need sex and drugs to portray college life in an interesting way. You just need good, relatable characters and top-notch comedy writing.

#7 - CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL (1991-94)
Thank you, Clarissa Darling, for climbing through my window at the courtesy of Teen Nick. If you folks aren't reliving your childhood every weekend by watching "The `90s Are All That" on Teen Nick then I have no respect for you. 

#6 - NED'S DECLASSIFIED SCHOOL SURVIVAL GUIDE (2004-07)



The HUMOR on this show was so wacky and over-the-top that sometimes it's easy to overlook that it was a fairly accurate portrayal of school life. And speaking of that, I liked that the series focused primarily on school life and not the "social scene" that seems to dominate almost every teen show. This is actually like one of the few programs where the kids go to classes and whatever happens in there affects the rest of their school day.

#5 - FREAKS AND GEEKS (1999-2000)
I can't think of another show that balanced the serious AND funny side of high school better than this show. Plus, it has the greatest cast in the history of the genre. If the show had actually survived past the first season, I probably would have ranked it higher.

#4 - HAPPY DAYS (1974-84)
White people love to re-visit the "good ol' days" and here is ONE instance where everyone else is willing to go along with it. The show is just THAT funny and entertaining.

#3 - THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR (1990-96)
Every White kid wants to be Black. . . and that all started 21 years ago with The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Don't lie. You know it's true. Every teen show tries to be "cool" but none of them hold a candle to The Fresh Prince. S--t, even the theme song was cool.

#2 - THAT `70s SHOW (1998-2006)
The beauty of this show is that all the action takes places AFTER school. So despite all the silliness that takes place on screen, the series appears more grounded and down to Earth than it really is. Plus, the show features arguably the greatest TV dad of all-time.

#1 - SAVED BY THE BELL (1989-93)
It can't be denied that this show set the standard for every single teen sitcom. Heck. . . it arguably CREATED the genre. Plus, it helps that the show was f---ing hilarious.