25 Days of Christmas

I dont give a fuck about Christmas movies.

Ian dropped the F-bomb. Shit just got real.

I'm outta here.

Don't let em get you down Never-ending, Silent Night Deadly Night rules.


Makes me wish that FearNET on demand channel was still around on Comcast.

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET (1947)


THESE CRACKERS BE PLAYIN'.

Let's be frank. This movie is stupid. Of all the holiday classics, this is the one I don't "get." It's about a crazy old guy who goes around claiming to be Santa Claus, and when he gets into some legal trouble, some hot-shot lawyer tries to prove he's the real deal in the most ludicrous way possible. How this movie WON Oscars for its screenplay and acting will forever remain a mystery. But look, I'm not here to drown cats and pull wings off of butterflies. The movie means well and has lots of heart. I "get" that. But let's just agree it's also super corny.

C


MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET (1994)


LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT JURASSIC PARK.

Apparently, Macaulay Culkin was too busy starring in Richie Rich to make a Home Alone 3, so John Hughes got stuck remaking the Miracle on 34th Street for Fox. Some of the key people from the Home Alone series worked on this movie, so it has the look and feel of those movie - which is a good thing - but it has none of the comedy. For that, you need to go watch the other Santa Claus movie from 1994. You know... the one starring Tim Allen. Anyway, this remake is very similar to the original except for a few notable differences. Normally, I'm against lazy remakes, but I'll give this one a free pass. Comparing 1947 to 1994 is like comparing the Apple II to the iPhone. This remake is easier to watch and is more aesthetically pleasing. That may not matter to hardcore movie fans, but I think the casual viewer will enjoy this one more.

C

It always gave me the creeps that the same guy who did Black Christmas also did A Christmas Story. And Porky's.

THE SANTA CLAUSE (1994)



The Santa Clause is a weird movie. I don't like stories where Santa Claus exists, but people don't believe he exists. That doesn't make sense. And the idea that anyone can put on Santa's suit and take over is very flawed. What if Santa had fallen off the roof of a rapist or murderer? There has to be more requirements than just putting on clothes! And if Santa is a magical being, it should be more difficult for him to die or be killed. Nothing in this story makes any sense... except... for the actual storytelling. What makes the movie work is that it focuses on the aftermath of Tim Allen becoming Santa Claus. We see how it destroys his life and his physical appearance. There's a lot of perks to being Santa Claus, but there's also a lot of sacrifices. Underneath the silliness, there's a lot of darkness to this concept of the Santa clause, and that's why the movie resonates with audiences. Holiday movies are at their best when they have some edge. 

B+


THE SANTA CLAUSE 2 (2002)



One of the things I admire about the first movie is that it never felt the need to be a wacky kids movie. Sure, there's a lot of silliness and gags, but it stayed firmly rooted in the story of a divorced father trying to have a healthy relationship with his son. The scene where he burns Christmas Eve dinner and ends up taking his child to Denny's says everything you need to know about that movie. So it disappoints me that the sequel moved away from that and into more over-the-top comedy. This time, the story is about Tim Allen having 28 days to find a Mrs. Claus or else he'll stop being Santa Claus. That should have been the whole movie, but the filmmakers had no faith in it, and added a cartoon-y B-plot about Santa Claus leaving someone else in charge for those 28 days and it almost destroy's Christmas. This lack of confidence ruins what could have been a respectable sequel. The scenes with Tim Allen romancing Elizabeth Mitchell have a lot of charm, but they only reach the bare minimum of screentime in order to make room for the other stuff. That was a big mistake.

C


THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE (2006)



I'll say this about The Escape Clause, it's a lot more consistent than its predecessor. That movie couldn't juggle the contrast between Santa Claus finding a wife and the shenanigans of the North Pole. This movie, on the other hand, knows what it wants to be and pulls it off. Unfortunately, what it wants to be isn't going to satisfy the fans of the original. The Escape Clause is a kids movie. That's it. There is some attempt to appeal to adults by showing Santa Claus being stressed out. His wife is pregnant. His family is visiting him. The workshop is running behind on toys. And on top of all that, Jack Frost, who's played by Martin Short, wants to take over Christmas. All of that is very entertaining, but it's handled in a very kids movie kind of way. There's nothing wrong with that, but there's nothing good about that either. It just results in a very average movie.

C

There's a whole documentary about how weird his resume is.

Really?  That's interesting, I knew he passed away just a couple years ago.  Never saw "Porky's" or "Black Christmas" so maybe I should give those a shot.

I laughed at the "Look who it is! It's San--" "I'M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK!" scene, but that was about it. The Coen Brothers apparently did an uncredited re-write of the script, and you can see some of their brand of humor on display.

It has its moments, but like you say, it's too overly negative. And then the last minute attempt to make it a sappy Christmas movie is ridiculous.