Re-Evaluating Bad Movies

VAN DAMME TRIPLE FEATURE

Doomsday SnoBorderZero frankyt @dukeleto Deexan


LIONHEART (1990)



Lionheart, or the birth of UFC, is about Van Damme joining an underground fighting circuit in order to pay his brother's medical bills. I guess it's also a great commercial for Obamacare. Fans of the muscle from Brussels rank Lionheart as one of his classics. I grew up on Van Damme and I've never agreed with that. This is the 3rd movie where he plays a fighter. Or the 4th if you wanna count No Retreat No Surrender. It was getting old by this point. I do have to give the filmmakers credit for keeping the fight scenes fresh and for filling the story with entertaining characters. But it's not enough. The plot is too paper thin and Van Damme doesn't add anything new to his role.

A for effort
C for content


HARD TARGET (1993)



I would have loved to have been at the pitch meeting for Hard Target. "It's about rich people hunting homeless people for sport and it takes place in modern day New Orleans. John Woo is directing and Sam Raimi is producing. Write me a check for millions of dollars." And you know what? It was worth every penny. This movie stays true to what it is and doesn't apologize for it. Either you accept that or don't waste your time watching it. It's a really stupid movie and the action scenes are beyond ridiculous but I have to respect filmmakers who stick to their vision and don't worry about other people's opinions.

A for balls
B- for content


SUDDEN DEATH (1995)



This is Doomsday's favorite Die Hard rip-off and it features Franklyn's Pittsburgh Penguins. The owner of the team actually wrote and produced the movie. It's also Van Damme's second movie with Peter Hyams. They worked together on Timecop, Van Damme's highest grossing movie. Anyway... I don't know how all these Die Hard rip-offs got made without people being sued. They're so blatant it's ridiculous. Here, Van Damme plays the fire inspector for a sports arena and he's the only one who can stop the terrorists that kidnapped his daughter and are threatening to blow up the place. The movie is well-made. The action scenes are entertaining. And I do like that there's a hockey game being intercut with the main story. But it's still a Die Hard rip-off and one that doesn't hide the fact that it's a Die Hard rip-off. It's so shameless that I can't fully support it.

A for technique
C for content

Sudden Death is ridiculous but I'll watch it whenever it's on. It could have been something cool but instead they have Van Damme fighting a woman in a Penguins mascot costume then pretending to be the goalie after killing a guy with kerosene filled super soakers. Powers Boothe as the bad guy makes anything better though.

Bloodsport is awesome though. Way cool movie.

Fun fact... I was an extra in Sudden Death. My neighbors were friends with the penguins (they were rather deep into amateur hockey, they are the reason I know how to ice skate at all) and we got invited to be in crowd shots, we were surrounded by cardboard cut outs.

Seriously, that's a cool story.

I used to watch Sudden Death a lot.

Alas, the fate of child stars. Tragic.

Hook

Rotten Tomatoes score: 30%
Roger Ebert rating: **

Growing up there were two movies in constant rotation, Burton’s Batman and Spielberg’s Hook. When I first saw it as a 7 year old I was amazed at seeing Neverland, Lost Boys and Pirates come to life. In less than two months I turn 30 and I still think fondly of Hook and consider it a staple among the films of my childhood. In addition, I’ve never met anyone who didn’t enjoy Hook. If the topic would ever come up I found people had nothing but enthusiasm and excitement when talking about this childhood epic.

Then a few short years ago I discovered that not everyone regarded Hook like I did. In fact it was pretty tuned up by critics upon release. ‘Too long, ‘bloated,’ ‘non-sensical’ is what I’ve read. As far as I can tell, it’s a great time with fun action, funny lines and one of John Williams’ best scores. Dustin Hoffman gives an awesome performance as Captain Hook and nobody could have played Peter Banning/Peter Pan like Robin Williams, a cold, selfish lawyer who rediscovers the boy adventurer in him. I want to watch it right now after typing all this.

I don’t know what the overall general consensus is on Hook but it was one of my all-time favorite movies growing up. Many people I know loved it as much as I did. I like to think that the critics at the time have grown to appreciate.  I may be preaching to the choir but Hook is a great film.

I used to watch Hook obsessively.

Hook is awesome. It's STILL one of my Top Ten Favorite Films.

Daredevil is a good movie buried beneath a number of bad decisions.

Quantum of Solace

Rotten Tomatoes score: 64%
Roger Ebert: **

Quantum of Solace isn’t a great movie. In a few years it won’t be fondly remembered or very highly regarded among the Bond canon or film in general. It’s a brief moment in a franchise that has seen much greater heights yet much lower depths. Almost seven years after its release Quantum of Solace frequantly and unfairly is subjected to internet review hyperbole. ‘Worst Bond ever’ is something that can easily be found to describe it. Once again, the pendulum has swung too far in one direction. It’s well known that Quantum was a victim of the writer’s strike a few years back. Many scenes were hastily rewritten on set shortly before being filmed(it’s said that Daniel Craig did some himself). Some of it doesn’t make sense and when you boil it down it’s eventually a movie about some villains trying to control the water supply in a meaningless south American country. So what makes Quantum work? While I won’t pull my hair out defending all its qualities, it certainly does have some. The action in the movie is pretty great to watch even if chunks of it were blatantly ripped off from The Bourne Ultimatum. Yes, the rooftop and motorcycle chases looked awfully familiar. The scene where Bond zeroes in on the Quantum members in the opera was a very fun and clever scene. The airplane chase and even the over the top climax were all enjoyable. Does this make for a good movie? No, however Quantum not only had to live up to the expectations of it’s predecessor, a movie whose case could easily be made as being the best Bond movie, but it also had to do it while facing major production hurdles. In the end we’re given a movie that’s not good but certainly not bad. It’s forgettable, harmless and at the very least it’s entertaining.

For the record, Bond movies worse than Quantum of Solace:
Diamonds are Forever
The Man With The Golden Gun
Moonraker
Octopussy
A View To A Kill
The World Is Not Enough
Die Another Day