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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 18, 2021 11:09:09 GMT -5
Let's cue our opening musical number! Welcome to our journey through the utter trash that 2020 brought to us, brought to you by 1godzillafan, who is mentally noting all of these for Film Club ( PG Cooper, Doomsday). Every year I watch as the Razzies mostly just pick a movie to kick around and ride with it (this year looks to be Dolittle, though I won't be surprised and will fully support if they go after Absolute Proof instead), and I always wondered "You know, what would happen if the Razzies actually went after REAL bad movies instead?" I mean, Dolittle sucks, but worst of the year? Lol. You all have bad taste in bad taste. So think of this as a good bit of counterprograming to Dracula's Golden Stake Awards, where I sift through the crap and find what truly sticks out to me as being the top of the heap. I probably haven't watched every bad movie that came out, for example I won't watch Absolute Proof because I am not giving any support to that propaganda, but I feel like I've got a good grasp on what the year brought. But let us journey through the exceptionally awful, find the best of the worst, and decide who wins a coveted Marty, including my favorite award of the year, the Hurts So Good Award. But we'll get to that in time. Let's start with a small-time biggie to bait the hook Worst Supporting ActorThe who garnished the acting suck this year? Kevin James - Becky: Good for Kevin James in trying to branch out and play a Neo Nazi villain. While Becky banks on Kevin James's huggable-ness to help him play manipulative, unfortunately James is never truly intimidating. Granted, it doesn't help that he's stuck in a film where he is continually losing to 13-year-old girl, but James's attempts to be a hardass are squandered as he always just comes off as Kevin James, just meaner. Some actors need to stay in their lane, and James learns it the hard way here. Sam Leakey - Gretel & Hansel: Child actors can have it rough, and scrutinizing their performances can seem harsh. But this is a well hidden and dead message board so I shall unleash my fury knowing Leakey will never read this. Gretel & Handel is focused so squarely on Gretel's point of view that every time we see Leakey as Hansel it's almost jarring. Not helping is that Leakey plays Hansel as a whiney load who the audience actively doesn't really want to follow around. Is it so much to ask for the film to treat its two title characters equally and fairly? Evidently not, and we're stuck with an ignored performance from an actor playing a character that seemingly the filmmakers themselves don't even want in their damn movie. John Migliore - Ouija Shark: Ouija Shark is ripe with bad acting, but most of its cast is made up of actors who had never made a movie before. John Migliore is an exception, having a few dozen shitty, low budget genre flicks on his resume. Despite being the most experienced actor in the film, Migliore gives one of the more memorably bad performances, as most of his scenes play out as if he never read the script and is reading off sticky notes. However, his performance does win some cool points for his DragonBallZ fight with Ouija Shark in the climax. Cedric Greenway - Tulsa: Cedric Greenway has one of the most thankless roles in this film, as he is a mechanic who is preached to every day by a little girl about Christianity. That's pretty much all he does in the movie, is listen to the title character intently and act as if Jesus Christ is the most incredible thing he's ever heard of. Greenway's character of Tiny is kind of funny in how absurdist Greenway plays him, but the idea of the character is insulting to both the religious outsiders he is supposed to represent but also to Christians themselves, because the fact that he so easily falls into the Christian faith by the bullying of a grade schooler makes people who believe in Christianity come off as easily manipulated. I could say more on that, but I'm not going to. That's a whole can of worms, right there. Logan Paul - Valley Girl: Valley Girl tries to win points based on charisma, then it loses a lot of those points when it pulls Logan Paul out of its ass and tries to pass him off as an actor. The film wants the YouTuber to play a pompous, preppie who fights with the male lead over the affection of the female lead. He kind of looks the part, but he doesn't feel natural in it, and his stilted line reads just kill his role and makes the film hard to watch when he's onscreen. Not helping is the fact that he's about three feet taller than everyone else in the movie, ensuring this prick stands out like a sore thumb. And the Marty goes to... This award really came down to Greenway and Paul. While Greenway is objectively worse, here's the thing, he doesn't actively make his movie worse. Tulsa would be just as cringey without him, and one could argue that Greenway's bad comedy in the film actually circles around somehow and becomes funny in an ironic sense. Logan Paul just sucks the life out of Valley Girl, and that is just too unforgivable to ignore. |
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PG Cooper
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Post by PG Cooper on Apr 18, 2021 12:26:43 GMT -5
Nice.
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Post by Neverending on Apr 18, 2021 14:30:32 GMT -5
2nd annual? You did this last year?
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 18, 2021 14:36:16 GMT -5
2nd annual? You did this last year? Technically yes. I was going to do something elaborate, but my grandfather passed and I just kind of tossed the results into a thread somewhere. Long story short, last year's Worst Picture was Radioflash and the Hurts So Good award went to Cats. |
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 18, 2021 14:40:25 GMT -5
Here it is: I'm going to start my own award show, with blackjack and hookers. I shall call it the "That's Not Cinema" Awards. Our trophy is called the Marty. I don't have time to do a full Razzie alternative to Dracula's Golden Stake awards, but it would have been fun. Here is what would have won the Marties in 2019: Worst Picture: Radioflash Worst Comedy: Jexi Worst Drama: Radioflash Worst Action/Adventure: Hellboy Worst Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Brightburn Worst Horror/Thriller: Brightburn Worst Foreign: Dabaang 3 Worst Musical: Playmobil: The Movie Worst Animated: Playmobil: The Movie Hurts So Good: Cats Worst Director: Brian Presley, The Great Alaskan Race Worst Actor: Tarek Tohme, Hold On Worst Actress: Jennifer Lawrence, Dark Phoenix Worst Screenplay: Beth Johannesson, Rising Free Worst Cinematography: Mark David, The Great Alaskan Race Worst Music: Heitor Pereira, Playmobil: The Movie Worst Editing: Jeff Betancourt, Black Christmas Worst Special Effects: The Great Alaskan Race Worst Costumes and Make-Up: The Great Alaskan Race Worst Production Design: The Great Alaskan Race |
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Post by Neverending on Apr 18, 2021 16:29:37 GMT -5
Here it is: I don't have time to do a full Razzie alternative to Dracula's Golden Stake awards, but it would have been fun. Here is what would have won the Marties in 2019: Worst Picture: Radioflash Worst Comedy: Jexi Worst Drama: Radioflash Worst Action/Adventure: Hellboy Worst Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Brightburn Worst Horror/Thriller: Brightburn Worst Foreign: Dabaang 3 Worst Musical: Playmobil: The Movie Worst Animated: Playmobil: The Movie Hurts So Good: Cats Worst Director: Brian Presley, The Great Alaskan Race Worst Actor: Tarek Tohme, Hold On Worst Actress: Jennifer Lawrence, Dark Phoenix Worst Screenplay: Beth Johannesson, Rising Free Worst Cinematography: Mark David, The Great Alaskan Race Worst Music: Heitor Pereira, Playmobil: The Movie Worst Editing: Jeff Betancourt, Black Christmas Worst Special Effects: The Great Alaskan Race Worst Costumes and Make-Up: The Great Alaskan Race Worst Production Design: The Great Alaskan Race lol |
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Post by Doomsday on Apr 18, 2021 16:47:37 GMT -5
This thread outta be good.
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1godzillafan
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 18, 2021 16:56:48 GMT -5
This thread outta be good. You would think so, but I'm bound to fuck it up. |
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 18, 2021 16:57:01 GMT -5
Worst EditingEditing can make or break a movie. Just look at how trash both versions of Justice League are. One needed more editing and one needed less. What are this year's examples of bad editing? The Last Days of American Crime: There are some facts of life that need to be accepted, one of which is that if Olivier Megaton is directing a movie, then the editing is going to suck balls. Just look at that Taken 3 clip up there! While Last Days of American Crime doesn't reach that magnitude of editing incompetence, it's still a choppy mess of quick cuts, as every Megaton movie should be. But is this an honorary mention more than a deserving one? I'd like to think it's both. Ouija Shark: As low budget as Ouija Shark is, one shouldn't expect much of anything about it to be professional. Ouija Shark takes it to the next level as it feels like chunks of the movie are missing. It's very possible that the movie is so underfunded that certain sequences weren't actually filmed, but part of the job of editing is making what you have more coherent with what you do have. Ouija Shark clearly fails at that. The Rhythm Section: Some editing choices make one exclaim "Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?" The Rhythm Section is full of editing like this, as it features odd inclusions like an action scene spliced with the aftermath and a conversation scene that is interweaves between a sex scene between the same two characters. When I think of the editing of The Rhythm Section I always think of the old Tom Servo adage: "Just because you can edit doesn't mean you should."The Turning: The Turning has two editing issues, as it both runs heavy and long during its setup and has a choppy reveal at the end that abruptly ends, leaving one feeling ripped off. Technically there is enough here to be considered a complete movie, but wow does it feel like its head is in the wrong space. The Way Back: Sometimes its hard to tell if a movie's choppiness is due to scripting issues or just too much being cut out. To an extent, I feel that way about The Turning but I also feel this way about The Way Back. It feels like portions of this movie were hacked away to focus harder on Ben Affleck, and it's hard to get a feel for several of his relationships with his players because it feels like the movie drops almost all of them. It gets to the point where the movie brings them up and decides not to explore them, and it gets frustrating. It feels like it's supposed to be in the movie, but isn't because whatever. Once again, editing issue or scripting issue? I don't know, but the movie feels incomplete and often what a movie doesn't have is because the people making it decided to cut it. And the Marty goes to... There is too much uncertainty to films like The Turning and The Way Back to blame faults entirely on editing. Ouija Shark is the only one where it's evident that shit that was probably scripted is missing, while Last Days and Rhythm Section are both just objectively bad. Ouija Shark seems like it should be the natural winner here, but The Rhythm Section's needlessly random editing is actively going out of its way to drive me nutso. It's hands down the one that has editing so bad you actively notice it, ala Taken 3.
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 19, 2021 12:05:43 GMT -5
::1godzillafan takes the stage:: Ladies and gentlemen, we've already seen two lousy, lousy losers and we will get to more later. But first, I would like to remind everyone why we're here. We are here today not just to mock the lesser films that came to us last year, but also to celebrate them. With that comes our most coveted award, the Hurts So Good Award, an award to honor the best bad movie of the year. If you're to only watch one piece of shit from 2020, the Hurts So Good winner is the one. Since these nominees are special, I will be announcing them throughout the thread, giving each their own entry until it is time to announce the winner. These are the cream of the rotting crop, and they deserve prestige treatment. Our first Hurts So Good nominee comes from an esteemed filmmaker, one of the very few still-working directors who had the distinct honor of making a film that was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000 during it's initial run. What kind of film can we expect from such prestige? Please give us a round of applause for our first nominee...  Director David Giancola already won the hearts of bad movie lovers with films like Time Chasers and Icebreaker. In 2020 he unleashed a low budget sci-fi feature on the public, which had its signal boosted when Rifftrax hosted the film on their website for free at the start of the pandemic. The boost was mostly a success, as it put the film on my radar. At its heart, Axcellerator is a good natured sci-fi romp about two normal people who stumble upon a little device that allows them to teleport, which sends them on a cross country chase away from all factions who might want it for their own nefarious purposes. But despite the movie's heart, it clearly doesn't have the budget to back it up. Those who watched and enjoyed Time Chasers on MST will easily get a kick out of Axcellerator, because it has the same go-get-'em attitude. And like all low budget flicks nowadays, Axcellorator has a couple of "oh how the mighty have fallen" celebrities in its cast. Sean Young, the one woman who can successfully creep Tim Burton out, has a supporting role as a woman-in-the-shadows type boss agent. We also have Sam " Flash Gordon" Jones as a primary antagonist, chasing our heroes through various landscapes and being giggly about it. While our heroes don't have as much recognizability as those who chase them, they have a bit of under-the-radar charisma to them keeping interest in their adventure. Axcellerator is a fun ride for fans of low budget genre pictures. It is currently available for free on Tubi, so if you fall in that category, you have no excuse to not check it out. |
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 19, 2021 16:43:02 GMT -5
Most Disappointing Film of the YearIn addition to giving out awards to the least of 2020, we will also be giving specialty nods as well to films that fit certain roles this year. Our first nod is in the all-too-often category of letdowns. The films that show promise but fail to deliver, and which one hurt us the most. Movies like this aren't necessarily bad, just...not what they could have been. Antebellum: Lionsgate was stuck between a rock and a hard place when advertising this movie, which was advertised shrouded in mystery but promised to be a trippy supernatural thriller. Antebellum is...not that. To an extent, what Antebellum is might be much more interesting than the film it promised, but at the same time doesn't utilize the premise it actually is the way it could. The experience is a very weird in-between of not quite what it promised and not quite succeeding at what it is either, making this one of the most frustrating movies of the year. Freaky: I enjoy the Happy Death Day series and could pop them in on a rainy day and get a smile from them. But that doesn't quite mean I'm interested in Christopher Landon taking that good will and trying to turn old comedy premises and do horror twists on them. Freaky is a slasher update of the Freaky Friday premise, and while it works hard at it, it's screenplay is undercooked. It is seemingly made with certain sequences clearly in mind, but little idea on how to make its premise work. Tossing in some bland humor, and Freaky becomes one of the most underwhelming experiences of the year. The Hunt: Saying The Hunt is disappointing is probably an overstatement. I'm not sure if I had any expectations from this movie, but when I went into it I was at least hoping for a fun play on the Most Dangerous Game storyline. The Hunt succeeds in executing gleeful violence, but it's political undertone is both blunt and dim, coming off like a shrieking thirteen-year-old who is trying to tell everybody how stupid they are. The one thing I didn't expect The Hunt to be was obnoxious. Obviously that was too much to hope for it. Mulan: Mulan isn't exactly in the shit heap of Disney live action remakes, as I still prefer it to the likes of The Lion King, Maleficent, and the garish nightmare that is Beauty and the Beast. That being said, a live action Mulan film shows so much promise as a dramatic narrative, and Disney shows promise in delivering it...but they also can't help but Disney it up. Humor is jarring and lame, often interrupting the narrative flow to an irritating point. Mulan can be exhausting to watch because of it, and maybe I should have expected that, given how other remakes turned out. I was just hoping for something grander, something that could have been the best of the bunch. Instead I got this. WW84: The hype train off of Wonder Woman might have been too high going into a blah sequel, like going from the greatness of Iron Man to the tepidness of Iron Man 2. Compounding the experience was the pandemic, where WW84 kept getting pushed back, seemingly an unattainable Holy Grail for movie audiences who just wanted their superhero escapism, and no, New Mutants wasn't enough. WW84 is fun, earnest fantasy, but it might be a bit gleefully so, coming off as more cheesy than cheeky and probably a bit bloated in the same sense of "doubling down" that a lot of failed sequels do. But is not being great really a bad thing? And the Marty goes to... While it's true I didn't have tremendous expectations for The Hunt, it seems to me that the gap between the movie it is and the movie it could be is much, much wider than the other films on this list. I mean, Antebellum, Freaky, Mulan, and WW84 don't live up to their promise, but they're all fundamentally functional and perfectly fine. The Hunt has aspects that show this could be a very fun movie, but it constantly blows them off to be an overly obnoxious movie, which makes one expecting better during the movie and then constantly letting the viewer down throughout. That's an uniquely disappointing viewing experience right there.
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Post by Neverending on Apr 19, 2021 16:45:55 GMT -5
Boo!
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1godzillafan
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 19, 2021 16:50:31 GMT -5
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Post by Dracula on Apr 19, 2021 16:50:44 GMT -5
That was definitely my least favorite movie of the year. HATED it. Most of the rest of those movies earned their spots pretty well except maybe Freaky. Freaky was fine.
Also Antebellum came very close to getting a Golden Stake nod for Best Cinematography before I saw Martin Eden at the last minute.
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Post by SnoBorderZero on Apr 19, 2021 16:53:49 GMT -5
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1godzillafan
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 19, 2021 16:55:09 GMT -5
Wonder Woman is a rapist, so she certainly did get screwed. |
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Post by PhantomKnight on Apr 19, 2021 17:04:42 GMT -5
I hated The Hunt, but was much more let down by Antebellum.
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Post by Neverending on Apr 19, 2021 17:10:15 GMT -5
That was definitely my least favorite movie of the year. HATED it. |
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 19, 2021 19:11:42 GMT -5
Most Surprising Film of the YearNot all of our awards are going to be negative. Sometimes there are films that we expect to be bad but actually wind up pretty good. So counterbalancing the previous award, let's acknowledge the films that one might initially dismiss but are surprisingly worth a watch. Bad Boys for Life: Coming nearly two decades after the previous film, Bad Boys for Life shocked the world in not only being pretty fun but also the only movie in the series that garnered pretty decent reviews. Who would have thought that would have happened? Even the people who love the Bad Boys franchise have to admit they're mostly targeted at a certain demographic, while this third entry seemed to break those chains a bit and achieve mainstream love even from those who hated the first two, while also pleasing fans of those original films. That's certainly something worth noting, and it also is one of the few movies that managed to be box office smashes before the pandemic. Bill & Ted Face the Music: Like Bad Boys for Life, we find ourselves with another belated sequel featuring an iconic duo. On the surface, much more should go wrong with this movie, because in the case of Bad Boys, both Martin Lawrence and Will Smith are still Martin Lawrence and Will Smith. Bill & Ted stars Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves have a unique challenge in taking 80's teen rocker stereotypes and trying to make these characters still work well into their 50's. The fact that Bill & Ted Face the Music works at all is a testament to just how right this movie got itself. And in delivering just a fun ride on top of that Bill & Ted Face the Music is a movie we all hoped would defy the odds and leave the trilogy on a high note, and that's what we received. Greenland: Watching trailers for Greenland would trigger a mute response. A new disaster movie starring Gerard Butler? Nobody fucking wants that. Unless it's Doomsday trying to fix Geostorm. Greenland surprised me in how involving and strong its drama genuinely is, proving to be less Geostorm and more influenced by Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds. Greenland tends to stretch credibility at times as its family always manages to reunite coincidentally through chaos, but there is enough here to make a throwback film to movies like Armageddon and Deep Impact but do them better. Host: This Shudder original movie is pretty much a blatant rip-off of Unfriended, except it actually manages to be atmospheric. The film follows a Zoom call between quarantined friends who decide to throw a virtual seance for fun, but accidentally unleash a demon on each of the users. Fans of Paranormal Activity will find some fun in the Zoom call camera "BOO!" scares, and the film doesn't outstay its welcome playing briskly at a mere 56 minutes, allowing it to flow fast without fully knowing what hit you. The movie even surprisingly has a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes, mostly because SnoBorderZero isn't Tomatometer approved and can't ruin it for fun. That being said, Host won't play well for everyone, as found footage horror films are scrutinized more than most subgenres, but for those open to it will find it enjoyable. Ouija Shark: Ouija Shark is more surprising than any film this year in several ways. One would assume that it's a low budget Asylum movies that would play on SyFy. One would be wrong. The movie is actually a movie made in someone's backyard for $300 with a plush shark toy that somehow got distribution. The fact that this movie exists at all and is getting wide attention alone justifies it as one of the most surprising films of the year, and the fact that it's such a trashy hoot puts a cherry on top of it. And the Marty goes to... The choice was simple. This was the one movie this year I was expecting to hate and I came out of it kind of digging it. Greenland seemed like a movie that a studio was ready to burn on the pandemic, which the studio totally did, but I came out of the experience feeling the film deserved better. While it's not the greatest disaster film ever made, it's a step in the right direction over most.
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Post by frankyt on Apr 19, 2021 20:41:31 GMT -5
Bad boys hands down.
Greenland was still plenty absurd. But I didn't hate it I guess, but I liked bad boys.
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Post by thebtskink on Apr 19, 2021 20:56:12 GMT -5
I liked Host, though the pandemic forcing mostly British characters into an American setting amused me a bit.
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 20, 2021 11:02:57 GMT -5
Worst Make-Up and CostumesNormally taking up two full categories seeing as they're two separate departments, I'm going to lump these two together because I'm lazy. However, I will justify this because failure in both make-up and costumes can create a equal sense of disbelief as you can take one look at each and say "I don't believe you" to the movie, which can make or break it. To an extent, either a make-up team or a costume team can get a reprieve, as the award might technically just go to one. Full disclosure, I might separate this into two categories in a year that isn't 2020 and I have more interesting selections to chose from, but for now this is what we got and I have no pretense of being a professional about this, so fuck off. Capone: Capone's major fault is in make-up of its main character, as Tom Hardy's Al Capone is no Gary Oldman's Winston Churchill. It's hard to really buy Hardy as the character as his make-up job always comes off as a make-up job, and he's busy trying to act with all that crap on his face which always seems to undermine how serious he's taking the role. This make-up might be forgivable if this were a small section of a larger biopic, but as it carries the weight of the movie, the faulted film succumbs to it. Money Plane: Money Plane is a low budget film that knows its a low budget film, so it compensates by playing itself up as big as possible. The costumes in the film work hard to project big personalities onto the characters, and they all look ridiculous, even if it is intentionally so. One needs to look no further for proof of this than Matthew Lawrence's high roller cowboy character, who wears an absurdly large suit, big cowboy hat, complete with handlebar moustache, while Lawrence goes full blown "YEEEEEE-HAW!" to fit such an absurdly stereotypical look. Money Plane is a lot of personality projection like this, and the costumes reflect that. The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson: I might be nominating The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson out of spite for 90's clothing, but the aesthetic of the movie is so overdone that not only does every character wear 90's clothing, they all wear the most 90's clothing you've ever seen in your god damn life. There are times where you have to believe that even the 90's wasn't this 90's. However, in defense of the wardrobe, Mena Suvari is given a full blown foot chase scene in which her wardrobe is so 90's that she's wearing a thin top with no bra. That jiggle just might have made the entire wardrobe worthwhile. Skylin3s: I have a suspicion that the alien costumes in Skylin3s, the third film in the Skyline trilogy (yes, there are three of them now), borrowed the mostly excellent alien costumes that were made for the previous film, Beyond Skyline. Those costumes looked pretty good there (shockingly for a direct-to-video feature), but here not so much. They seem a bit aged, and baggy, possibly because the suit actors might not properly fit in them. Not helping matters is the fact that due to the film's storyline, the aliens act more human than alien, so their motions seem intended to make them look non-intimidating and wind up just making them look silly. Adding to this is a silly, post apocalyptic costume design that contributes to the blandness of the human characters. This isn't the only aesthetic choice that Skylin3s makes that makes it look like a visual mess, but it certainly adds to it. Songbird: One would think the costumes in Songbird would be a simple wardrobe, but Songbird isn't content with that. The film tries hard to be a timely commentary on the COVID-19 restrictions and quarantine, and makes some pretty bizarre costume choices to play on the face mask idea, including allowing Neverending's favorite actress Alexandra Daddario do an exotic dance in lingerie and an oxygen tank. Songbird is a movie I don't think anybody wanted, but the fact that it's willing to look this stupid to tell this story that nobody wants to hear certainly helps it be the trainwreck that it is. And the Marty goes to... Handing this award to Capone might be a little mean, as it only made this list due to one bad make-up job. The problem is a lot of the movie hinges on this one make-up job. Tom Hardy is seemingly trying to give one of those "disappear into the role" performances, but I just can't look at him and not say "God, he looks so stupid!" It's a make-up job that not only sinks the look of the movie but also his performance, and that's why it earns this award.
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 20, 2021 17:35:53 GMT -5
Worst Supporting ActressWe're getting overdue to haul an actor out onstage and just completely humiliate them for doing their job. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN! Judi Dench - Artemis Fowl: You can just look into Dame Judi Dench's eye in every frame of this film and see this surly, half-hungover look of "Fuck, I don't want to be here today." Then she puts on that raspy voice to get "into character" and the whole aura switches to her looking completely embarrassed to be in this movie at all. If you're going to do a crappy children's fantasy, own it! This is just sad. Sean Young - Axcellerator: If there is one actress this year who is challenging Judi Dench's "For the Paycheck" demeanor, it's Sean Young, who comes in, says the crappy lines she's given without any hint of expression, then leaves. Sean Young doesn't seem to know what movie she's in or why she's there, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't care and likely doesn't remember doing this movie at all. Paula Abdul - Impractical Jokers: The Movie: You know, Jackass fans go to see their Jackass movies to see the Jackass guys do what they do on Jackass. Paula Abdul is something of a symbol to how much the Impractical Jokers overthought the idea of making a movie based on their stupid TV show. The movie doesn't need a storyline and it certainly doesn't need her in it, and every time she pops up I just feel the movie stopping in its tracks in this poorly conceived charade that it's an actual movie. Nobody paying to see an Impractical Jokers movie gives a fuck about Paula Abdul and it's a role that actively makes the movie worse, even if she's game to play it. Taryn Manning - The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson: The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson features some atrocious acting stuck in between what you would see on a soap opera and what you would see on a reenactment on America's Most Wanted. Taryn Manning's performance as Faye Resnick takes this tone and takes it to the next level. Like, if there was an Oscar for shitty, mid-90's made-for-Lifetime-movie performances, Manning would be a frontrunner. Everything about her feels like a facade, like a woman doing her best impression of the most shallow, clingy woman possible, but just fake enough for the audience to tell it's just an impression. This is a performance so bad that it's almost artistic. Alexandra Daddario - Songbird: Neverending's love monkey Alexandra Daddario has a very unfortunate role in the film Songbird, where she plays the title character yet in a supporting role, where she is stuck in the middle of some of its most unfortunately silly plot points that get more absurd as the movie goes on. She gets some of the most laughable sequences in the movie, mostly revolving around an affair she is having with Bradley Whitford (who was almost nominated for Supporting Actor for the exact same reasons before I decided I had bigger fish to fry). This goes through scenes that are outright embarrassing for her, such an exotic dance in lingerie and an oxygen tank down to Whitford's obsession with her leading to his character suddenly deciding he's crazy for some reason. Not everything wrong with her character's arc in the film is Daddario's fault, as even actresses better than her would fail in this movie, but she is actively spiralling down the drain and there is nothing stopping her. And the Marty goes to... This isn't even close and I don't feel I need to justify this decision. Watch the goddamn movie and you'll know this might be the only objectively correct call I make in this entire thread.
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1godzillafan
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I like pie!
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Post by 1godzillafan on Apr 21, 2021 10:56:26 GMT -5
::1godzillafan takes the stage:: I hope we're all having fun laughing at other people's misery. I know I am! But it's time to introduce another Hurts So Good nominee. Before we do that, I'd like to say a few words about one of the most charismatic actors to ever grace the screen, Ricardo Montalban. Montalban was a thespian like no other, bringing charming grace to every single role he played, from playing the circus owner Armando in the classic Planet of the Apes franchise down to just playing a grandpa in the Spy Kids series, where even at that age he was still one of the sexiest men alive. Of course, one would be remiss to discuss his most well known franchise role, the supervillain Khan in the original Star Trek program. It was a role so memorable that he was brought back in the feature film Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, often considered the best film of the Star Trek series. His role then became so iconic that it was brought back for the recent blockbuster series, however the Latin Lothario was whitewashed by casting a sinister looking Brit. That's not to knock Benedict Cumberbatch as an actor, but Khan he was not. This year brought a second chance to honor the legacy of Montalban, by bringing his other claim to fame to the big screen in hopes for franchise potential. This celebrated TV series has been reformatted to the big screen with the upmost respect to its source material. And to bring honor to the late actor Ricardo Montalban, they obviously had to cast someone of comparable stature. That man was...wait...just a second... ::checks notes:: Michael Pena? ::awkward silence:: Somehow this is even worse than the whitewashing in Into Darkness. Anyway...our next Hurts So Good nominee is...oh the hell with this. This is bullshit. Just take the next nominee.  Our second Hurts So Good nominee is the big screen adaptation of Fantasy Island, the classic television series about an island where your wildest fantasies come true. But it's also an adaptation that decides the source material isn't good enough for it and decides to give it a little razzle dazzle by reinventing it as a horror movie where visitors get killed by their fantasy. How does this resort stay open if its visitors die horrible deaths? Like seriously, even Jurassic World gets shut down. Fantasy Island is a fascinating bad movie. It is a movie that creates so many scenarios which seem like the most absurd turn to take, and it even shows signs that at some point it might have been a straight Fantasy Island adaptation but decided at some point that was too boring to do, so it piles an inept genre twist on top of it that doesn't work. This movie has no shame, going from one scene to another struggling to make itself work and never quite coming out on top. And yet, it's really funny. The film gets sillier and wackier until it gets to an ending that comes at the viewer out of nowhere and introduces a cackling villain that the movie didn't really need, but we'll embrace because of how stupid it is and the fact that it makes the film more amusing. Fantasy Island is many lessons in how to not do an adaptation of something, and certainly how to not do your own spin on it. But everything it does wrong adds a sort of shitty charisma to it, making it hands down one of the must see bad movies of the year. |
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PG Cooper
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And those who tasted the bite of his sword named him...The DOOM Slayer
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Post by PG Cooper on Apr 21, 2021 11:05:41 GMT -5
Probably the only major awards contender in this I've seen. Oh the shitty horror movies I watch for my girlfriend.
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