Post by PhantomKnight on Feb 19, 2024 20:11:07 GMT -5
Madame Web doesn't feel like a movie so much as it does an institutional failure. Starting with the absolutely bone-headed call on Sony's part to hire the same writers as Morbius to pen this film, it plays more like a collection of poor decision-making than a cohesive film, and I can all but guarantee that this little review will be better-written than Madame Web's screenplay. Now, I don't exactly enjoy being mean for mean's sake, but when it comes to screenwriters Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless...all due respect, guys, but given your track record of writing movies, I think it's safe to say that your true talents lie elsewhere, and maybe it's time to go start exploring those. Because this screenwriting thing just isn't working out.
But this is also on Sony, too. Because, yeah, Sony, you look at that script and go, "Y'know what...everybody deserves a second chance." Sure, that's how this works. What, do these guys have blackmail on higher-ups over there? Here's just one example of the horrendous writing: so, the villain is a guy with Spider-Man powers, even has a black suit like his and can clearly do all the same acrobatics. And he's trying to kill these three airhead teen girls who become Spider-Women in the future and kill him...by throwing him out a window in his apartment.
Okay...
A. Just, um...move to a different apartment.
B. Remodel your apartment and replace that window.
C. You have Spider-Man abilities and getting knocked out a window is what does you in???
My dude…
Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe the guy's big loft apartment was rent-controlled.
But, oh, wait, the bad writing extends to the characterization as well. Anya, Maddie and Julia are the three future Spider-Women in this. And they are three of the *dumbest* characters I've ever seen on film. Again, just one example:
"Our pictures are everywhere, we need to lay low.
...But, ugh, we're so hungry... Quick, let's go to this truckstop diner, flirt with these cute boys and DANCE ON TOP OF THEIR TABLE to music. That's keeping a low profile."
You three deserve to die.
I could get into so much more, but doing so would be putting a lot more effort into this movie than the people involved did, so why bother? But it goes without saying that Dakota Johnson gives a thoroughly flat performance with only fleeting glimpses of any personality, if at all. The one actor who manages to emerge from this thing relatively unscathed is Adam Scott. The rest, though... I mean, the actor playing the villain had all of his lines re-dubbed over by someone else, from what I heard. And. It. Shows. And by the way...the way he's defeated...clearly, the movie just gave up trying.
The thing of it is, Sony has proven with the Spiderverse movies that they ARE capable of picking the right storytellers to bring this stuff to life. At least, in animated form. How are they so incompetent with their live-action offerings? And y'know, I hate to say it...but Morbius was better. For as bad as Morbius was...there was at least an element of kookiness there that made it seem like it was kind of self-aware. Madame Web, on the other hand, is just so lifeless. The movie never made me actively angry, but it's consistently lazy and uninspired, continually making the wrong decisions. And this is a movie about a clairvoyant. Oh, the irony...
1/2 /****
