Post by 1godzillafan on Feb 15, 2020 22:33:21 GMT -5
It's now time for another in a series I'd like to call "Movies Dracula Wouldn't Use to Wipe His Ass With," where I recap a particularly inane film that I find fascinating.
So yesterday I found myself sitting in a theater with a bunch of chattering tween girls who seemed to live for PG-13 horror movies and probably had no clue that Fantasy Island was a schmaltzy, partially anthological TV series from the 70's. I wasn't the only adult there, as there was an older couple there who I'd like to think spent many nights watching Fantasy Island themselves and were probably expecting this to be a straight adaptation. "They made a Fantasy Island movie? Oh, honey! Let's go see it!" Boy, would I have liked to have watched their faces.
First of all, Fantasy Island had no business being a movie. It barely functioned as a TV show. I understand the appeal of it for romantics and those looking for sweet, sentimental stories, but it was tiresome to watch for a full hour, let alone weekly, and it had a tendency to run out of fresh gimmicks fast.
Then someone had the idea of "Let's do it as a horror movie! SATIRE, I GUESS!"
My response: "Wut?"
I mean, I'm no Fantasy Island fan, but this compulsive need to pervert and corrupt something that was overall one of the more wholesome pieces of media ever is bizarre. It's like doing a Little House on the Prairie movie and then left turning into Evil Dead. Or maybe a Love Boat movie where the Love Boat is now owned by pornographers and is surrounded by killer sharks.
But when something has an inception that I can't fathom, that's when I get intrigued. I actually couldn't wait to see what type of garbage this was going to be.
The movie starts with a woman running around Fantasy Island screaming because people are chasing her and eventually catch her after she breaks into Roarke's office. Flash cut to the opening titles as a plane lands the next day. A lovely assistant named Julia fills in the Tattoo role and runs up to Michael Pena's Roarke to say "ZE PLANE!"
I'd like to say, I like Michael Pena, but having him fill Ricardo Montalban's shoes is a big "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no" from me. Montalban was tall, devilishly handsome, and had a twinkle in his eye. Pena is a tiny, mischievous looking dude.
Off ze plane pops the guests, which include Maggie Q, Lucy Hale, two stepbrother frat dudes, and some tall guy. The group bonds as they all ponder the fantasies they were promised would come true on the island, while Lucy Hale gives some not-so-subtle-through-bad-writing "Come Fuck Me" eyes to tall guy that go unfulfilled. They are each allowed one fantasy and from here on the story branches out as each of them experience something different.
The first fantasy involves the stepbros. The taller, more Caucasian one just suffered a bad break up and came to Fantasy Island for something to take his mind off of it. I presume his entry form said under Fantasy: "I wanna see titties." His li'l bro comes for support, but he's gay and doesn't want titties. He'll take some muscular men wearing banana boats though. They party through the night, li'l bro gets laid but big bro tries to bag a busty blonde, but winds up crying because he misses his girlfriend. The next day they prep to party some more, but the place is busted up by terrorists who take the bros hostage and want to be taken to some money stash.
Before I continue, the next fantasy involves the tall guy, who says he wants to play soldier, because he used to be a cop but didn't see much action. He dresses up in a soldier uniform and just wanders around the jungle until a group of soldiers pick him up and take him prisoner. Unsure of whether this is real (this guy isn't the brightest bulb), he plays along until they take him to their superior, which happens to be the guy's dad. Awkwarrrrrrrd. Back and forths ensue until they both believe they're father and son and realize they're the day before daddy is supposed to be killed in action. Dad tries to abandon the platoon, but son is like NO! YOU'RE A HERO! YOU CAN'T NOT BE A HERO! Finally son convinces dad that maybe he can change his fate now that they're together on that day.
So far there is not much horror in this supposed horror reimagining that I'm describing. I guess the idea of the terrorists is kind of scary, but it's too random to even be intimidating if anything. This movie is weird, because it's supposed to be a horror take of a wish fulfillment fantasy and it seemingly forgets to be a horror movie at times and is just a Fantasy Island adaptation. I have a theory that this originated as a straight Fantasy Island movie at one point, but it was probably too vanilla to be put into production. Then some jackass (probably co-writer/director Jeff Wadlow) decided it needed to be partially horror movie to spice it up. So far it's doing a lousy job at that.
So let's talk about the most horror themed fantasy next, then. Lucy Hale has self esteem issues, which is probably why she did everything but take off her pants and spread her legs while flirting with soldier boy earlier. If she actually loved her body, she totally would have. She attributes this to a high school bully who traumatized her for mocking her "boyish body." It's hard to imagine Hale with a boyish body, but then again in this movie she dresses in clothes that make it clear her body aint boyish no mo'. She is sent to a cellar where she finds her bully tied up to a torture chair and surprise surprise it's the girl from the prologue. Thinking it's a hologram ("Like Tupac!"), she dumps water on her head, tases her, and...ruins the woman's marriage by posting a cheating sex tape on Facebook? This last things makes her think this is totally not like Tupac. Then the "fantasy" goes all Hostel on her, and some sort of torture doctor walks in and she starts panicking until she splashes torture master with water and tases him so he's out for the count. She rescues bully and they escape into the woods where they bump into Michael Rooker.
Oh shit! I forgot to mention, Michael Rooker is in this thing! This is either the most or least surprising cast member of the movie. What's his role? Kind of...nothing. He serves one slight plot point that could have been done some other way, but other than that he's a raving madman that wanders around the jungle claiming Roarke and the island are both evil. He then finds the heart of the island and some sort of fantasy water that you drink to make your fantasy come alive. Meanwhile Hale and bully have bonding time until torture doctor shows back up. Rooker tackles him and they plummet off of a cliff.
He died as he lived, pointlessly.
We don't know it yet, but Lucy Hale's fantasy is the most inane of the bunch. I could already point out holes in it, but it becomes even more bullshit in retrospect after the third act. Before we get to that third act though...
Maggie Q. I saved her for last for several reasons. One is for plot reasons, and we'll get to that nonsense. Also, her fantasy is the most traditional Fantasy Island of the movie. That and Maggie Q is actually pretty good in the movie. Her story, while rote, also demonstrates that while this movie was probably never meant to be good, had it been a straight Fantasy Island movie, it probably wouldn't be getting the thumping it's getting. It would probably be forgotten by next week though, so let's be thankful for the gutter trash that we have.
Maggie Q's fantasy is so vague that Roarke has to interview her personally, because she just wants to feel happiness and she wants to feel like she deserves happiness. Roarke pinpoints a regret in a marriage proposal she turned down years ago and takes her back to that day where she meets her ex-boyfriend who proposes just as she remembers it. This time she says yes. She awakens the next morning and finds that not only is he there with her, but they're already married and she has already popped out a five-year old daughter (how much did she drink last night?).
After a while, Maggie Q starts to think about changing her past. She returns to Roarke and wants to cancel this fantasy and start a new one, because if her fantasy is to right her biggest regret, the proposal wasn't it. Thinking she just wants to keep her legs closed on prom night, he refuses, but she insists that her true fantasy needs to be fulfilled.
Maggie Q says her biggest regret is leaving the iron on in her apartment, which started a fire and killed someone in the building. Convincing Roarke that her true fantasy is righting this one wrong, Roarke allows her to switch fantasies and sends her back into the burning building to save that one person. She runs around asking for help and catches the two step bros running out of the building and soldier guy as the cop outside who hesitates to go in. She runs into the building and tries to saved the trapped man, but passes out from the smoke. Julia then pulls Maggie Q out of the fantasy back onto the island before she suffocates.
So here we get to the big third act story collision. What do I think of the movie so far? It's bland and kinda boring, and the horror element is super tacked on and half baked.
This is where my face switches like this as the third act plays out in front of my eyes.
Soldier guy and his dad move in on the terrorists that are holding the step bros hostage and they save the day, with dad in one piece. But the terrorists turn into zombies and shoot all of the soldiers, dad as well, and the older, taller, straighter step bro who just wanted titties.
Here lies dude whose name I can't remember. Please donate titties in his honor.
Meanwhile Lucy Hale and her bully have bonding moments and successfully call another plane to the island so they can escape. They return to the main lodge, as to soldier boy, alive step bro, and Maggie Q. Where they reminisce about how all their fantasies went horribly wrong. Good times. Maggie Q then drops the bombshell that she thinks they're all related to the death of that guy trapped in the apartment. The step bros were his roommates and didn't know he was home, so they didn't check on him. Soldier guy was the cop who wanted to wait for the fire department before checking for civilians. Lucy Hale was meant to go on a date with him that night, but her self doubt caused her to stand him up resulting in him being home that night. Bully girl was the one responsible for said self doubt. All these convoluted reasons and more! They conclude that they must be a part of someone else's revenge fantasy, and they suspect Julia, who is supposedly an assistant but doesn't really do anything, thinking she must be a relative.
Ze plane arrives, but zombie terrorists shoot it out of the sky before they can escape. The group goes underground, hoping they can kill the fantasy by destroying the heart of the island. There they find Roarke, and they also find out Roarke's fantasy is Julia, who isn't related to the dead boy but rather Roarke's dead wife, who is allowed to stay as long as Roarke fulfills every guest's fantasy. Roarke foils their plans to blow up the heart, and it's revealed who the real fantasizer is...
Lucy Hale. She was in love with this boy she never went out with, and now she wants them all dead.
I have SO MANY questions right now that my head is spinning. The movie might have answered some of them, but the screenplay is such a disaster at this point that I don't think it made any of them clear. First, was this the original agreed upon fantasy or is this something that just kind of played out? If it was, why was she all against the torture of a high school bully then went zero to sixty on wanting everyone around her dead? Let's think about scenario number two where all of this was her very elaborate fantasy, what was up with this fake fantasy of torturing a bully? I'm presuming this mean girl was dragged into this because she was inadvertently responsible for the boy's death by killing Hale's self esteem, but why was she sucked up into the island this way where she's kidnapped and strapped to a chair while Lucy Hale pretends to rescue her?
If the movie had any brains they probably would have done a Saw style "Jigsaw was in the room the whole time" twist where the fantasy was actually that of the bully girl who had some unknown connection to the dead guy. But nope. Bullshit, psychotic love story it is!
Lucy Hale grabs the grenade they were going to use to destroy the heart of the island to finally fulfill her fantasy of killing lots of people on purpose because one person died by accident when Julia asks Roarke why the guests are in danger, and how this is a bad thing. She convinces Roarke to let her go and save them. Roarke returns to the group and reveals that technically the bully girl is a guest and she hasn't had her fantasy yet. She drinks from the fantasy water that Michael Rooker took and says her fantasy is for Lucy Hale and the dead guy to be together forever. Then a charred corpse grabs Lucy Hale and drags her underwater. She lets go of the grenade and soldier boy jumps on it, dying the same way that his father was meant to many years prior.
It was a last ditch effort at some sort of story arc cohesiveness. It failed, but good for trying!
The movie ends with everybody boarding ze plane. Roarke then points out to the remaining step bro that technically the fantasy he partook in was his brothers and he never had one fulfilled. Step bro then states that his fantasy is for his brother to be alive and well and to go home. Roarke points out that for this fantasy to remain permanent, he must remain on the island or his brother will vanish. The dead brother then appears on ze plane just before take-off, showing us that step bro is okay with that. Dead guy lives to see dem titties another day.
The step bro that stays behind then tells Roarke he hates his name (I have no clue what his name is supposed to be). Roarke asks him if there's a nickname he likes, to which he responds he has a stupid tattoo that he never got removed, which he reveals is a tattoo that says "Tattoo." Roarke responds "Welcome to Fantasy Island, Tattoo."
I'm not making this up. This is how it ends. I understand the reluctance in making Tattoo a little person, so they just hired a short guy, which is fine. But Michael Pena is like two centimeters taller than him. The fact that this is supposed to be his short sidekick is totally lost.
In conclusion, this movie is a perfect storm of people who don't know what they're doing without a clue of what movie they're making. I really, really, really want a sequel, in hopes the inanity stays true.
So yesterday I found myself sitting in a theater with a bunch of chattering tween girls who seemed to live for PG-13 horror movies and probably had no clue that Fantasy Island was a schmaltzy, partially anthological TV series from the 70's. I wasn't the only adult there, as there was an older couple there who I'd like to think spent many nights watching Fantasy Island themselves and were probably expecting this to be a straight adaptation. "They made a Fantasy Island movie? Oh, honey! Let's go see it!" Boy, would I have liked to have watched their faces.
First of all, Fantasy Island had no business being a movie. It barely functioned as a TV show. I understand the appeal of it for romantics and those looking for sweet, sentimental stories, but it was tiresome to watch for a full hour, let alone weekly, and it had a tendency to run out of fresh gimmicks fast.
Then someone had the idea of "Let's do it as a horror movie! SATIRE, I GUESS!"
My response: "Wut?"
I mean, I'm no Fantasy Island fan, but this compulsive need to pervert and corrupt something that was overall one of the more wholesome pieces of media ever is bizarre. It's like doing a Little House on the Prairie movie and then left turning into Evil Dead. Or maybe a Love Boat movie where the Love Boat is now owned by pornographers and is surrounded by killer sharks.
But when something has an inception that I can't fathom, that's when I get intrigued. I actually couldn't wait to see what type of garbage this was going to be.
The movie starts with a woman running around Fantasy Island screaming because people are chasing her and eventually catch her after she breaks into Roarke's office. Flash cut to the opening titles as a plane lands the next day. A lovely assistant named Julia fills in the Tattoo role and runs up to Michael Pena's Roarke to say "ZE PLANE!"
I'd like to say, I like Michael Pena, but having him fill Ricardo Montalban's shoes is a big "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no" from me. Montalban was tall, devilishly handsome, and had a twinkle in his eye. Pena is a tiny, mischievous looking dude.
Off ze plane pops the guests, which include Maggie Q, Lucy Hale, two stepbrother frat dudes, and some tall guy. The group bonds as they all ponder the fantasies they were promised would come true on the island, while Lucy Hale gives some not-so-subtle-through-bad-writing "Come Fuck Me" eyes to tall guy that go unfulfilled. They are each allowed one fantasy and from here on the story branches out as each of them experience something different.
The first fantasy involves the stepbros. The taller, more Caucasian one just suffered a bad break up and came to Fantasy Island for something to take his mind off of it. I presume his entry form said under Fantasy: "I wanna see titties." His li'l bro comes for support, but he's gay and doesn't want titties. He'll take some muscular men wearing banana boats though. They party through the night, li'l bro gets laid but big bro tries to bag a busty blonde, but winds up crying because he misses his girlfriend. The next day they prep to party some more, but the place is busted up by terrorists who take the bros hostage and want to be taken to some money stash.
Before I continue, the next fantasy involves the tall guy, who says he wants to play soldier, because he used to be a cop but didn't see much action. He dresses up in a soldier uniform and just wanders around the jungle until a group of soldiers pick him up and take him prisoner. Unsure of whether this is real (this guy isn't the brightest bulb), he plays along until they take him to their superior, which happens to be the guy's dad. Awkwarrrrrrrd. Back and forths ensue until they both believe they're father and son and realize they're the day before daddy is supposed to be killed in action. Dad tries to abandon the platoon, but son is like NO! YOU'RE A HERO! YOU CAN'T NOT BE A HERO! Finally son convinces dad that maybe he can change his fate now that they're together on that day.
So far there is not much horror in this supposed horror reimagining that I'm describing. I guess the idea of the terrorists is kind of scary, but it's too random to even be intimidating if anything. This movie is weird, because it's supposed to be a horror take of a wish fulfillment fantasy and it seemingly forgets to be a horror movie at times and is just a Fantasy Island adaptation. I have a theory that this originated as a straight Fantasy Island movie at one point, but it was probably too vanilla to be put into production. Then some jackass (probably co-writer/director Jeff Wadlow) decided it needed to be partially horror movie to spice it up. So far it's doing a lousy job at that.
So let's talk about the most horror themed fantasy next, then. Lucy Hale has self esteem issues, which is probably why she did everything but take off her pants and spread her legs while flirting with soldier boy earlier. If she actually loved her body, she totally would have. She attributes this to a high school bully who traumatized her for mocking her "boyish body." It's hard to imagine Hale with a boyish body, but then again in this movie she dresses in clothes that make it clear her body aint boyish no mo'. She is sent to a cellar where she finds her bully tied up to a torture chair and surprise surprise it's the girl from the prologue. Thinking it's a hologram ("Like Tupac!"), she dumps water on her head, tases her, and...ruins the woman's marriage by posting a cheating sex tape on Facebook? This last things makes her think this is totally not like Tupac. Then the "fantasy" goes all Hostel on her, and some sort of torture doctor walks in and she starts panicking until she splashes torture master with water and tases him so he's out for the count. She rescues bully and they escape into the woods where they bump into Michael Rooker.
Oh shit! I forgot to mention, Michael Rooker is in this thing! This is either the most or least surprising cast member of the movie. What's his role? Kind of...nothing. He serves one slight plot point that could have been done some other way, but other than that he's a raving madman that wanders around the jungle claiming Roarke and the island are both evil. He then finds the heart of the island and some sort of fantasy water that you drink to make your fantasy come alive. Meanwhile Hale and bully have bonding time until torture doctor shows back up. Rooker tackles him and they plummet off of a cliff.
He died as he lived, pointlessly.
We don't know it yet, but Lucy Hale's fantasy is the most inane of the bunch. I could already point out holes in it, but it becomes even more bullshit in retrospect after the third act. Before we get to that third act though...
Maggie Q. I saved her for last for several reasons. One is for plot reasons, and we'll get to that nonsense. Also, her fantasy is the most traditional Fantasy Island of the movie. That and Maggie Q is actually pretty good in the movie. Her story, while rote, also demonstrates that while this movie was probably never meant to be good, had it been a straight Fantasy Island movie, it probably wouldn't be getting the thumping it's getting. It would probably be forgotten by next week though, so let's be thankful for the gutter trash that we have.
Maggie Q's fantasy is so vague that Roarke has to interview her personally, because she just wants to feel happiness and she wants to feel like she deserves happiness. Roarke pinpoints a regret in a marriage proposal she turned down years ago and takes her back to that day where she meets her ex-boyfriend who proposes just as she remembers it. This time she says yes. She awakens the next morning and finds that not only is he there with her, but they're already married and she has already popped out a five-year old daughter (how much did she drink last night?).
After a while, Maggie Q starts to think about changing her past. She returns to Roarke and wants to cancel this fantasy and start a new one, because if her fantasy is to right her biggest regret, the proposal wasn't it. Thinking she just wants to keep her legs closed on prom night, he refuses, but she insists that her true fantasy needs to be fulfilled.
Maggie Q says her biggest regret is leaving the iron on in her apartment, which started a fire and killed someone in the building. Convincing Roarke that her true fantasy is righting this one wrong, Roarke allows her to switch fantasies and sends her back into the burning building to save that one person. She runs around asking for help and catches the two step bros running out of the building and soldier guy as the cop outside who hesitates to go in. She runs into the building and tries to saved the trapped man, but passes out from the smoke. Julia then pulls Maggie Q out of the fantasy back onto the island before she suffocates.
So here we get to the big third act story collision. What do I think of the movie so far? It's bland and kinda boring, and the horror element is super tacked on and half baked.
This is where my face switches like this as the third act plays out in front of my eyes.
Soldier guy and his dad move in on the terrorists that are holding the step bros hostage and they save the day, with dad in one piece. But the terrorists turn into zombies and shoot all of the soldiers, dad as well, and the older, taller, straighter step bro who just wanted titties.
Here lies dude whose name I can't remember. Please donate titties in his honor.
Meanwhile Lucy Hale and her bully have bonding moments and successfully call another plane to the island so they can escape. They return to the main lodge, as to soldier boy, alive step bro, and Maggie Q. Where they reminisce about how all their fantasies went horribly wrong. Good times. Maggie Q then drops the bombshell that she thinks they're all related to the death of that guy trapped in the apartment. The step bros were his roommates and didn't know he was home, so they didn't check on him. Soldier guy was the cop who wanted to wait for the fire department before checking for civilians. Lucy Hale was meant to go on a date with him that night, but her self doubt caused her to stand him up resulting in him being home that night. Bully girl was the one responsible for said self doubt. All these convoluted reasons and more! They conclude that they must be a part of someone else's revenge fantasy, and they suspect Julia, who is supposedly an assistant but doesn't really do anything, thinking she must be a relative.
Ze plane arrives, but zombie terrorists shoot it out of the sky before they can escape. The group goes underground, hoping they can kill the fantasy by destroying the heart of the island. There they find Roarke, and they also find out Roarke's fantasy is Julia, who isn't related to the dead boy but rather Roarke's dead wife, who is allowed to stay as long as Roarke fulfills every guest's fantasy. Roarke foils their plans to blow up the heart, and it's revealed who the real fantasizer is...
Lucy Hale. She was in love with this boy she never went out with, and now she wants them all dead.
I have SO MANY questions right now that my head is spinning. The movie might have answered some of them, but the screenplay is such a disaster at this point that I don't think it made any of them clear. First, was this the original agreed upon fantasy or is this something that just kind of played out? If it was, why was she all against the torture of a high school bully then went zero to sixty on wanting everyone around her dead? Let's think about scenario number two where all of this was her very elaborate fantasy, what was up with this fake fantasy of torturing a bully? I'm presuming this mean girl was dragged into this because she was inadvertently responsible for the boy's death by killing Hale's self esteem, but why was she sucked up into the island this way where she's kidnapped and strapped to a chair while Lucy Hale pretends to rescue her?
If the movie had any brains they probably would have done a Saw style "Jigsaw was in the room the whole time" twist where the fantasy was actually that of the bully girl who had some unknown connection to the dead guy. But nope. Bullshit, psychotic love story it is!
Lucy Hale grabs the grenade they were going to use to destroy the heart of the island to finally fulfill her fantasy of killing lots of people on purpose because one person died by accident when Julia asks Roarke why the guests are in danger, and how this is a bad thing. She convinces Roarke to let her go and save them. Roarke returns to the group and reveals that technically the bully girl is a guest and she hasn't had her fantasy yet. She drinks from the fantasy water that Michael Rooker took and says her fantasy is for Lucy Hale and the dead guy to be together forever. Then a charred corpse grabs Lucy Hale and drags her underwater. She lets go of the grenade and soldier boy jumps on it, dying the same way that his father was meant to many years prior.
It was a last ditch effort at some sort of story arc cohesiveness. It failed, but good for trying!
The movie ends with everybody boarding ze plane. Roarke then points out to the remaining step bro that technically the fantasy he partook in was his brothers and he never had one fulfilled. Step bro then states that his fantasy is for his brother to be alive and well and to go home. Roarke points out that for this fantasy to remain permanent, he must remain on the island or his brother will vanish. The dead brother then appears on ze plane just before take-off, showing us that step bro is okay with that. Dead guy lives to see dem titties another day.
The step bro that stays behind then tells Roarke he hates his name (I have no clue what his name is supposed to be). Roarke asks him if there's a nickname he likes, to which he responds he has a stupid tattoo that he never got removed, which he reveals is a tattoo that says "Tattoo." Roarke responds "Welcome to Fantasy Island, Tattoo."
I'm not making this up. This is how it ends. I understand the reluctance in making Tattoo a little person, so they just hired a short guy, which is fine. But Michael Pena is like two centimeters taller than him. The fact that this is supposed to be his short sidekick is totally lost.
In conclusion, this movie is a perfect storm of people who don't know what they're doing without a clue of what movie they're making. I really, really, really want a sequel, in hopes the inanity stays true.
