Post by 1godzillafan on Dec 3, 2019 22:13:35 GMT -5
I remember when Jexi was the worst movie I saw this year. Boy, those were good times.
So...let me recount my experience here. I have a lazy afternoon off and all my friends are at work, meanwhile I've seen everything at my local Regal cinema with my Unlimited pass. On a whim I check the showtimes at my dollar theater and discover a few movie I hadn't heard of before. One was called Radioflash and knowing very little about it other than the title, I just paid my dollar and sat down.
Warning: I'm going to spoil the shit out of this movie because I feel like it.
So, this movie starts out with the lead girl in a room full of telephones and a note with a phone number. One of them rings and when she answers a voice says "Congratulations, you got a royal flush!" or some shit like that. Then the room fills with water, and she's swimming around, saying "Focus on the solution, not the problem." So finally sees a toilet on the ceiling and comes to the conclusion the room needs to be flushed (no shit). So she takes the phone number, picks up a phone, dials the number and the phone opens and gives her the handle to the toilet (I am not making this up). She then inserts the handle into the toilet and flushes.
I have so many questions. First of all, what the fuck is going on? Is this a sequel to that doofus PG-13 Saw knockoff Escape Room movie? Why is there a toilet on the ceiling? How does she know which phone has the handle in it? Does every phone have a handle in it?
After she flushes, she takes off her VR headset and find out she was in some sort of arcade, which answers maybe 25% of the questions I had. She then goes home and meets up with her dad for some exposition. Dad is played by Charlie from Lost, or lightbulb guy from X-Men Origins: Wolverine, whichever you should prefer. Charlie-Dad is a tweedy little twerp who looks like he could get his ass kicked by pre-paradox George McFly if they came right down to it. Next thing that happens is that sparks fly outside and the power goes out. Not worrying about the outage, they go to bed.
Female lead wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders outside to a ham radio room set up by her grandfather. She then plucks up a book at random that's titled "Radioflash" which explains to her what an EMP is on the very first page. ::slow clap:: Bravo, movie. That's the best way to coincidentally convey a plot point I've ever seen. She then plays with the ham radio, but finds it won't work without electricity. She repeats "Focus on the solution, not the problem," GET IT FOLKS SHE'S A PROBLEM SOLVER, and jury rigs a way of giving it power using a car battery and jumper cables. She then gets a hold of her grandpa on the radio, who is an end-of-the-world preparation nut in the mountains, who tells her that she and Charlie-Dad need to drive off to his house in the morning because something EMPed the entire west half of the country.
After this we're treated to the image of grandpa cutting up some meat, thanking nature for its sacrifice, and eating it raw. It was right here that I knew I wanted to kick this movie's ass.
This YA novel prototype heroine and Charlie-Dad get into the car and start their journey like gramps said, discovering people are already rioting and killing others now that they've been without lights, internet, and iPads for eight hours. Along the way, they see the wreckage of a car crash where Charlie-Dad tends to an injured woman on the street and his daughter sees the image of a hobo man who looks like Dumbledore. She later finds out the woman in the street died. Not long after that, Charlie-Dad swerves the car to avoid an RV in the middle of the road and they crash in the woods. Charlie-Dad is injured, but tries to hide it from his daughter. He eventually collapses and the main girl runs for help, eventually finding a farmer's house. They take refuge at the farm, but she sees the image of Hobo Dumbledore again, who I guess is a figure of "death" and immediately checks on Charlie-Dad again only to find him dead. Just like Lost, no matter what Desmond does, Charlie's going to die no matter what.
Charlie-Daughter and the farmer bury Charlie-Dad and set off to her grandpa's place. Along the way, they find a man stranded on the road. She hides in the back of the camper as a JIC while the farmer tries to help the man in the road. She then sees Hobo Dumbledore again just as the stranded man shoots the farmer and highjacks the vehicle. He drives off unaware that she's in the back, and he stops in some sort of junkyard to siphon gas. Then some big hairy dude randomly shoots him and finds her, knocking her out. She then wakes up in a cabin with a bunch of nutty hillbillies who want to keep her for reasons, ran by a granny who has a mechanized wheel chair that she moves with hands via bicycle chains.
It was here that I contemplated the story this was supposed to be. This movie is about people in the world suddenly without those comfortable little electronic devices and how the world will go into a panic without information at their fingertips 24/7. Then it turns into the story of a teenager going to grandpa's house. Now suddenly she's dropped into PG-13 Texas Chainsaw Massacre for some reason. I'm getting whiplash from this fucking plot.
Anyway, she is kept in a cellar because she doesn't what to join the family of inbreds, but she escapes because the youngest dirty one is horny for her and lets her out. She and dog boy make a break for it, with his hairy dad chasing after them with a gun. They make it to the river, where she washes dog boy up and discovers OMG he's totally cute! I get confused by the love story here because normally in movies like these love interests need to come in twos and fight over the lady. Then hairy dad busts in and ruins the moment and the chase is on. Hairy dad and dog boy get into a scuffle, while hairy dad drops his gun next to her. She looks confused until she sees Hobo Dumbledore again, then she shouts at him "I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!" grabs the gun, but, before she can fire, gramps pops out with his own gun and shoots hairy dad in the back. See, when she never showed up, he went out to track her and stuff.
The movie ends with everyone safe at grandpa's house, not knowing what happened with the power. But as the world regains its bearings, she bonds with him while dog boy plays games on her tablet, which is now charged from the generator. Lul?
This movie sucks. I don't care what mediocre movie you saw this year you think is one of the worst of all time because some studio made it, this shit is worse. This feels like someone had some idea for a YA novel, but decided to make a movie instead, budget be damned, then slowly began to realize while filming that he didn't have a story but a concept (a concept that I'm pretty sure was the TV series Revolution, but whatever), then just did whatever to fill time. I found out afterward that the movie was filmed here in Idaho. I wish I knew when they were here. That way I could drive out and smack them with a newspaper and say "NO!"
I also saw some movie called Out of Liberty this afternoon, which was a Mormon movie made for Mormons that I didn't know about before it started. I didn't care though, because it wasn't this movie.
So...let me recount my experience here. I have a lazy afternoon off and all my friends are at work, meanwhile I've seen everything at my local Regal cinema with my Unlimited pass. On a whim I check the showtimes at my dollar theater and discover a few movie I hadn't heard of before. One was called Radioflash and knowing very little about it other than the title, I just paid my dollar and sat down.
Warning: I'm going to spoil the shit out of this movie because I feel like it.
So, this movie starts out with the lead girl in a room full of telephones and a note with a phone number. One of them rings and when she answers a voice says "Congratulations, you got a royal flush!" or some shit like that. Then the room fills with water, and she's swimming around, saying "Focus on the solution, not the problem." So finally sees a toilet on the ceiling and comes to the conclusion the room needs to be flushed (no shit). So she takes the phone number, picks up a phone, dials the number and the phone opens and gives her the handle to the toilet (I am not making this up). She then inserts the handle into the toilet and flushes.
I have so many questions. First of all, what the fuck is going on? Is this a sequel to that doofus PG-13 Saw knockoff Escape Room movie? Why is there a toilet on the ceiling? How does she know which phone has the handle in it? Does every phone have a handle in it?
After she flushes, she takes off her VR headset and find out she was in some sort of arcade, which answers maybe 25% of the questions I had. She then goes home and meets up with her dad for some exposition. Dad is played by Charlie from Lost, or lightbulb guy from X-Men Origins: Wolverine, whichever you should prefer. Charlie-Dad is a tweedy little twerp who looks like he could get his ass kicked by pre-paradox George McFly if they came right down to it. Next thing that happens is that sparks fly outside and the power goes out. Not worrying about the outage, they go to bed.
Female lead wakes up in the middle of the night and wanders outside to a ham radio room set up by her grandfather. She then plucks up a book at random that's titled "Radioflash" which explains to her what an EMP is on the very first page. ::slow clap:: Bravo, movie. That's the best way to coincidentally convey a plot point I've ever seen. She then plays with the ham radio, but finds it won't work without electricity. She repeats "Focus on the solution, not the problem," GET IT FOLKS SHE'S A PROBLEM SOLVER, and jury rigs a way of giving it power using a car battery and jumper cables. She then gets a hold of her grandpa on the radio, who is an end-of-the-world preparation nut in the mountains, who tells her that she and Charlie-Dad need to drive off to his house in the morning because something EMPed the entire west half of the country.
After this we're treated to the image of grandpa cutting up some meat, thanking nature for its sacrifice, and eating it raw. It was right here that I knew I wanted to kick this movie's ass.
This YA novel prototype heroine and Charlie-Dad get into the car and start their journey like gramps said, discovering people are already rioting and killing others now that they've been without lights, internet, and iPads for eight hours. Along the way, they see the wreckage of a car crash where Charlie-Dad tends to an injured woman on the street and his daughter sees the image of a hobo man who looks like Dumbledore. She later finds out the woman in the street died. Not long after that, Charlie-Dad swerves the car to avoid an RV in the middle of the road and they crash in the woods. Charlie-Dad is injured, but tries to hide it from his daughter. He eventually collapses and the main girl runs for help, eventually finding a farmer's house. They take refuge at the farm, but she sees the image of Hobo Dumbledore again, who I guess is a figure of "death" and immediately checks on Charlie-Dad again only to find him dead. Just like Lost, no matter what Desmond does, Charlie's going to die no matter what.
Charlie-Daughter and the farmer bury Charlie-Dad and set off to her grandpa's place. Along the way, they find a man stranded on the road. She hides in the back of the camper as a JIC while the farmer tries to help the man in the road. She then sees Hobo Dumbledore again just as the stranded man shoots the farmer and highjacks the vehicle. He drives off unaware that she's in the back, and he stops in some sort of junkyard to siphon gas. Then some big hairy dude randomly shoots him and finds her, knocking her out. She then wakes up in a cabin with a bunch of nutty hillbillies who want to keep her for reasons, ran by a granny who has a mechanized wheel chair that she moves with hands via bicycle chains.
It was here that I contemplated the story this was supposed to be. This movie is about people in the world suddenly without those comfortable little electronic devices and how the world will go into a panic without information at their fingertips 24/7. Then it turns into the story of a teenager going to grandpa's house. Now suddenly she's dropped into PG-13 Texas Chainsaw Massacre for some reason. I'm getting whiplash from this fucking plot.
Anyway, she is kept in a cellar because she doesn't what to join the family of inbreds, but she escapes because the youngest dirty one is horny for her and lets her out. She and dog boy make a break for it, with his hairy dad chasing after them with a gun. They make it to the river, where she washes dog boy up and discovers OMG he's totally cute! I get confused by the love story here because normally in movies like these love interests need to come in twos and fight over the lady. Then hairy dad busts in and ruins the moment and the chase is on. Hairy dad and dog boy get into a scuffle, while hairy dad drops his gun next to her. She looks confused until she sees Hobo Dumbledore again, then she shouts at him "I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!" grabs the gun, but, before she can fire, gramps pops out with his own gun and shoots hairy dad in the back. See, when she never showed up, he went out to track her and stuff.
The movie ends with everyone safe at grandpa's house, not knowing what happened with the power. But as the world regains its bearings, she bonds with him while dog boy plays games on her tablet, which is now charged from the generator. Lul?
This movie sucks. I don't care what mediocre movie you saw this year you think is one of the worst of all time because some studio made it, this shit is worse. This feels like someone had some idea for a YA novel, but decided to make a movie instead, budget be damned, then slowly began to realize while filming that he didn't have a story but a concept (a concept that I'm pretty sure was the TV series Revolution, but whatever), then just did whatever to fill time. I found out afterward that the movie was filmed here in Idaho. I wish I knew when they were here. That way I could drive out and smack them with a newspaper and say "NO!"
I also saw some movie called Out of Liberty this afternoon, which was a Mormon movie made for Mormons that I didn't know about before it started. I didn't care though, because it wasn't this movie.
