Alright,
thebtskink /
PhantomKnight, here are some Ebert hot takes:
The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967)Nobody laughed.
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)The movie stretches on for nearly three hours, with intermission, and provides two false alarms before it finally ends.
Diamonds Are Forever (1971)We see different movies for different reasons, and Diamonds Are Forever is great at doing the things we see a James Bond movie for.
Harold and Maude (1971)The visual style makes everyone look fresh from the Wax Museum, and all the movie lacks is a lot of day-old gardenias and lilies and roses in the lobby, filling the place with a cloying sweet smell. Nothing more to report today.
Straw Dogs (1971)The most offensive thing about the movie is its hypocrisy; it is totally committed to the pornography of violence, but lays on the moral outrage with a shovel.
Emmanuelle (1974)It's a relief, during a time of cynicism in which sex is supposed to sell anything, to find a skin flick that's a lot better than it probably had to be.
The Godfather, Part II (1974)The stunning text of The Godfather is replaced in Part II with prologues, epilogues, footnotes, and good intentions.
Death Race 2000 (1975)I was torn between walking out immediately and staying to witness a spectacle more dismaying than anything on the screen: the way small children were digging gratuitous bloodshed.
Emmanuelle: The Joys of a Woman (1976)Somehow the characters seem to have lost track of their sanity; they wander from one encounter to another like wife-swappers at a post-lobotomy ball.
Freaky Friday (1976)Now Barbara Harris and Jodie Foster think to themselves in each other's voices and talk in their own, which is better than being either Dean Jones or a dog, but not much.
I Spit on Your Grave (Day of the Woman) (1978)This is a film without a shred of artistic distinction. It lacks even simple craftsmanship. There is no possible motive for exhibiting it, other than the totally cynical hope that it might make money.
Pretty Baby (1978)Louis Malle's Pretty Baby is a pleasant surprise: After all the controversy and scandal surrounding its production, it turns out to be a good-hearted, good-looking, quietly elegiac movie.
The Brood (1979)The Brood is an el sleazo exploitation film, camouflaged by the presence of several well-known stars but guaranteed to nauseate you all the same.
Caligula (1979)Caligula is sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash. If it is not the worst film I have ever seen, that makes it all the more shameful: People with talent allowed themselves to participate in this travesty.
Heaven's Gate (1980)This movie is $36 million thrown to the winds. It is the most scandalous cinematic waste I have ever seen, and remember, I've seen Paint Your Wagon.
The Elephant Man (1980)I kept asking myself what the film was really trying to say about the human condition as reflected by John Merrick, and I kept drawing blanks.
Popeye (1980)He takes one of the most artificial and limiting of art forms -- the comic strip -- and raises it to the level of high comedy and high spirits.
History of the World---Part I (1981)Mel Brooks's movie History of the World, Part 1 is a rambling, undisciplined, sometimes embarrassing failure from one of the most gifted comic filmmakers around.
Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)How could they do this to Jennifer Jason Leigh? How could they put such a fresh and cheerful person into such a scuz-pit of a movie?
Porky's (1982)Since the movie doesn't like women, its sex scenes all create fear and hostility, which prevents them from being funny.
Swamp Thing (1982)One of those movies that fall somewhere between buried treasures and guilty pleasures.
D.C. Cab (1983)D. C. Cab is not an entirely bad movie -- it has its moments -- but if it had used more actual taxi-riding incidents and more recognizable driver types, it could have been a little masterpiece.
Private School (1983)Why are all these movies so anti-woman? Why are all the jokes about nudity directed at women? Why are the girls the only ones embarrassed in public?
Xtro (1983)Xtro is an ugly, mean-spirited and despairing thriller that left me thoroughly depressed. Why was this movie made? What vision filled the filmmakers with a desire to share this work with an audience?
Beverly Hills Cop (1984)Eddie Murphy looks like the latest victim of the Star Magic Syndrome, in which it is assumed that a movie will be a hit simply because it stars an enormously talented person.
Breakin' 2 - Electric Boogaloo (1984)Here is a movie that wants nothing more than to allow some high-spirited kids to sing and dance their way through a silly plot just long enough to make us grin.
Conan the Destroyer (1984)The first Conan movie, Conan the Barbarian, was a dark and gloomy fantasy about the shadows of prehistory. This second film is sillier, funnier, and more entertaining.
Footloose (1984)Footloose is a seriously confused movie that tries to do three things, and does all of them badly.
The Natural (1984)The message is: Baseball is purely and simply a matter of divine intervention. At about the 130-minute mark, I got the idea that God's only begotten son was playing right field for the New York team.
Police Academy (1984)Now comes without any doubt the absolute pits of this genre, the least funny movie that could possibly have been inspired by Airplane! or any other movie.
Splash (1984)It's too bad the relentlessly conventional minds that made this movie couldn't have made the leap from sitcom to comedy.
Clue (1985)One ending is more than enough.
Fletch (1985)Whenever the move threatens to work, there's Chevy Chase with his monotone, deadpan cynicism, distancing himself from the material.
Dead Man (1995)Dead Man is a strange, slow, unrewarding movie that provides us with more time to think about its meaning than with meaning.
Mission: Impossible 2 (2000)If the first movie was entertaining as sound, fury and movement, this one is more evolved, more confident, more sure-footed in the way it marries minimal character development to seamless action.
Crash (2004)Haggis writes with such directness and such a good ear for everyday speech that the characters seem real and plausible after only a few words. His cast is uniformly strong; the actors sidestep cliches and make their characters particular.
Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005)As I watched this sequel, a certain good feeling began to make itself known. Yes, the movie is unnecessary. However, it is unnecessary at a higher level of warmth and humor than the recent remake Yours, Mine and Ours.
Into the Blue (2005)The movie is written, acted and directed as a story, not as an exercise in mindless kinetic energy.
King Kong (2005)This is one of the year's best films.
Cars (2006)It tells a bright and cheery story, and then has a little something profound lurking around the edges. In this case, it's a sense of loss.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)It delivers all the races and crashes you could possibly desire, and a little more.
Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (2006)Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties is actually funnier and more charming than the first film.
The Lake House (2006)Enough of the plot and its paradoxes. What I respond to in the movie is its fundamental romantic impulse. It makes us hope these two people will somehow meet.
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)I liked the action, I liked the absurdity, I liked the incongruous use and misuse of mutant powers, and I especially liked the way it introduces all of those political issues and lets them fight it out with the special effects.
The Bucket List (2007)I urgently advise hospitals: Do not make the DVD available to your patients; there may be an outbreak of bedpans thrown at TV screens.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)Given the resources and talent here, quite a movie might have resulted. But it's so hard to care about this story.
The Golden Compass (2007)A darker, deeper fantasy epic than the Rings trilogy, The Chronicles of Narnia or the Potter films. It springs from the same world of quasi-philosophical magic, but creates more complex villains and poses more intriguing questions.
The Happening (2008)Shyamalan's approach is more effective than smash-and-grab plot-mongering. His use of the landscape is disturbingly effective. The performances by Wahlberg and Deschanel bring a quiet dignity to their characters.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)I can say that if you liked the other Indiana Jones movies, you will like this one, and that if you did not, there is no talking to you.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)Now why did I like this movie? It was just plain dumb fun, is why. It is absurd and preposterous, and proud of it.
Space Chimps (2008)Space Chimps is delightful from beginning to end: A goofy space opera.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)Paul Blart: Mall Cop is a slapstick comedy with a hero who is a nice guy. I thought that wasn't allowed anymore.
X-Men Origins - Wolverine (2009)I have been powerfully impressed by film versions of Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, Iron Man and the Iron Giant. I wouldn't even walk across the street to meet Wolverine.
Clash of the Titans (2010)I don't say it's good cinema, although I recognize the craftsmanship that went into it. I don't say it's good acting, when the men have so much facial hair they all look like Liam Neeson. I like the energy, the imagination, the silliness.
Kick-Ass (2010)Let's say you're a big fan of the original comic book, and you think the movie does it justice. You know what? You inhabit a world I am so very not interested in.
The Losers (2010)The movie gets the job done, and the actors show a lot of confidence in occupying that tricky middle ground between controlled satire and comic overkill. It's fun.
Cars 2 (2011)At a time when some "grown-up" action films are relentlessly shallow and stupid, here is a movie with such complexity that even the cars sometimes have to pause and explain it to themselves.
J. Edgar (2011)As a period biopic, "J. Edgar" is masterful. Few films span seven decades this comfortably.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)A more entertaining movie than I remotely expected.
The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)If we didn't really need to be told Spidey's origin story again, at least it's done with more detail and provides better reasons for why Peter Parker throws himself into his superhero role.
Men in Black III (2012)It's better than the first one.
Prometheus (2012)Ridley Scott's "Prometheus" is a magnificent science-fiction film, all the more intriguing because it raises questions about the origin of human life and doesn't have the answers.
Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)"Snow White and the Huntsman" reinvents the legendary story in a film of astonishing beauty and imagination.
Total Recall (2012)"Total Recall" is well-crafted, high energy sci-fi. Like all stories inspired by Philip K. Dick, it deals with intriguing ideas. It never touched me emotionally, though, the way the 1990 film did, and strictly speaking, isn't necessary.
