Show me that smile again! Don't waste another minute on your crying, because American Eagle is here to spread the gospel of the prophet Kirk Cameron, hands down the greatest actor who ever lived, the sexiest man alive, and just the man who is blessed with the touch of God. The second coming of Jesus Christ has happened, and he was blessed to be in the form of Kirk Cameron.
has blessed me with the opportunity to review the greatest movie of all time, Fireproof, a powerful tale of the trials of love and how one shall be rewarded with the perfect marriage if one accepts the truth of Jesus Christ. In the film, Kirk Cameron plays a firefighter who is rightfully resentful of his whore of a wife who refuses to respect him on the basis that he's Kirk Cameron and we should all love him. Yet, as perfect as Cameron is, his character is a filthy agnostic. It pains me to type that, I am literally on the verge of tears typing this out.
this is a testament to just how great an actor Kirk Cameron is, because even though the man clearly knows better, he slips into the role of an ignorant and completely
I never doubted for a second that this man would have been damned for all eternity! Luckily, his father hands Kirk Cameron a journal of a 40 day plan to help his marriage, which will also help him become closer to Jesus Christ.
This requires a suspension of disbelief to find that Kirk Cameron isn't familiar with the teachings of the bible, but once you get past this hurdle, this movie is incredible. I laughed, I cried, I soiled myself from laughing and crying! Fireproof is an incredible journey of a man displaying his own selflessness and winning a woman like the trophy that she is. The way the film relates this one-sided romance is so powerful in that pushes all human emotion to the sideline and sheds light on a hard truth, it doesn't matter if you and your spouse are happy but it will eventually work out by welcoming the Lord into your life. Only then can you learn to shut up and put on a smile, hiding the fact that you're dead inside! I couldn't relate to this movie more!
...er I mean detractors...who claim that Kirk Cameron is a childish jerk who hates women. Have you,
or otherwise, maybe considered the fact that maybe you're the childish jerk who hates Kirk Cameron? Such a needless personal attack. First of all, Kirk Cameron is not a childish jerk. He just wants his woman to respect him and think about his needs above hers. I see nothing wrong with that. Second, he doesn't hate women. If he did, he would be a homosexual, and being an agnostic is bad enough. Kirk Cameron is clearly not a homosexual because there is an entire subplot to him touching himself shamefully while looking at fornicators in internet pornography. While this is loathsome itself, it does distance itself from the even more loathsome homosexuality. The movie even corrects his behavior by pointing out his addiction to the deadly sin of lust, and he quits his shame with ease.
Incidentally, I shamefully also found myself touching myself during this portion of the movie as I found that Kirk Cameron's powerhouse acting was giving me quite an erection, but the film pointed out my shame and I immediately stopped.
The brilliant screenplay leads the film to an unpredictable conclusion where Kirk Cameron reunites with his whore of a wife and decide to save their marriage and be closer to God. That twist completely blew my mind! I thought the eternal damnation for divorce was the natural ending point, but the optimism of the film prevailed! This film is a genuine must see and one of Kirk Cameron's many modern classics!
Initially I was confused by this film because it neither had Kirk Cameron nor had anything to do with Jesus Christ. Eventually it became clear it was a science fiction movie, and science must be shunned. Zero stars. Do not watch. Watch this instead and share that laughter of love:
FireproofKirk Cameron plays a firefighter whose marriage is on the rocks. One day his father tells him of a time when his own marriage was breaking apart and Cameron's parents fought to stay together. Cameron's father gives him a notebook that gives him "one day at a time" steps and bible verses to help him save his marriage.
Let's cut to the chase. Is Kirk Cameron's character a childish jerk who hates women? On the former point, absolutely. Almost everything he whines about in his relationship is about him and he blames his wife for not putting him on a pedestal. On the latter point, saying he "hates" women is probably hyperbole, but only slightly. He doesn't believe he hates women obviously, but he definitely looks down on women because he constantly berates the opposite sex and belittles it. And every problem he has with his wife is about her "respecting" him, while he doesn't seem to give a toss about respecting her. So yes. Kirk Cameron is a childish jerk who hates women, and you can quote me on Wikipedia on that.
Fireproof has more things wrong with it than that though. Fundamentally it's an ugly looking movie that looks Hallmark Channel quality at best. It's romance is fueled by soap operatics that is broken apart by very strange stabs at broad comedy. Since Cameron is a sitcom veteran, a lot of his comic timing chops do heavy lifting here, making some gags become passable while others fall flat on their face because they're irrelevant, overplayed, and don't fit the tone of the picture.
But the whole of the movie falls on the romance at the heart of the film. This is opening up a whole can of worms. I find very little investment in the marriage of this film and no real desire to see it work out. Imagine if Marriage Story began with that famous argument scene and tried to mellow it out to a contrived reconciliation at the end that was based on both of the character becoming Christian. You and I know what bullshit that would be.
You know, it occurs to me that we're introduced to the marriage in this movie through them arguing, then they continue to argue and argue some more, before culminating with a scene where Kirk Cameron loses his shit over not getting any leftover pizza, so we're given really nothing to latch onto with this couple except their negativity toward one another and we pretty much hate both of them right off the bat. The movie feels like it needs a counterbalance for them, maybe by adding a prologue where they're happy together during their dating life or early in their marriage so we can get to know what they were like when they were happy. This way maybe we could latch onto their chemistry and maybe become engaged in whether or not their marriage works. Instead the movie chooses a prologue with the wife as a little girl stating she wants to marry a fireman "like daddy" and as a result she has a fetish for firemen. I'm not unpacking that one. But the duo seem to lead themselves to a dreaded divorce, I can't help but feel relieved, because they're clearly a ticking time bomb.
Intention seems to be in relating to characters through their imperfections, but the vibe is so negative in this flick that if you feel you relate to these characters' emotions at all, you just might need therapy. Cameron is no stranger to violent outbursts and breaking inanimate objects, while his wife will belittle him for looking at internet porn yet get ready and willing to drop her pants at the sign of another man who smiles at her.
Enter Kirk Cameron's parents, who both have thick southern accents while Kirk Cameron talks with his natural high, squawk of a voice. Yeah,
suuuuuure they're related. He is then given the book he needs to follow to change his life for the better (bible allegory noted). I'll be honest, while the delivery of these messages is poor, the intent behind some of them resonates. I did like the one about "Studying one's spouse" and thought it brought up an interesting point that tends to get neglected in relationships. But when the movie tries to build up good will, it then flushes it down the shitter.
The movie isn't overtly religious for a while, mentioning God and Jesus mostly in passing for about 50 minutes, often shoehorned in to establish Cameron isn't a bible guy (something tells me this isn't going to be for long). Then the movie outright bullies its audience. At the midpoint the film takes its mask off, and it makes it clear that the movie isn't about marriage but judging the non-Christians and how they're going to Hell. In a bout of his already established selfishness, Cameron claims he is a good person because he is a firefighter and saves people.
His dad calls him out on his shit, but not because Cameron's ego obviously needs to be deflated, but because God judges who is good and who is bad based on his own terms. While I'll accept that this is a coveted Christian belief, the attempted cutting down of Cameron here is a complete farce. If Cameron has limited belief in God, then very little of what his father says relating between his marriage and Jesus Christ has any real weight. Instead it comes off as Kirk Cameron suddenly changing his mind on religion on a whim, and the way this scene plays out is utter bullshit. Cameron's problem isn't that he needs Christ. Cameron's problem is that he needs to stop being an asshole. If finding Christ is means to an end, so be it, but don't act like being a Christian and being an asshole are mutually exclusive. It's not one or the other.
His dad then drops this beauty of a line:
"Son, I've now made the
decision to love your mother whether she deserves it or not."
This line right here is busting my balls so hard that it tied my testicles into a pretzel. (Pretzticles, if you will.) Like, this is "Being gay is a choice" level bullshit. It really makes it hard for me to side with this movie's take on love and relationships when it seems to fundamentally misunderstand human emotion on such an epic level. Love isn't a decision. Love is an affection. You don't choose to love someone or something, it's a fondness that grows inside you and stays in spite of imperfections or unpleasantness. If you "decide" to love something, then you don't really love it. You're putting on a face mask to hide your own misgivings and you've just decided to live with it. What daddy here is preaching isn't love, it's toleration.
The fact that this fucking movie chooses to make this line a point of "revelation" to Kirk Cameron's character makes me want to smack it. Because it doesn't encourage him to love his wife. It encourages him to put on a facade to placate his wife while they both just wait to die in misery. (You can also quote me on this on Wikipedia.)
Kirk Cameron's reaction to his Jesus pep talk? "I'm in."
Cool. What a reaction to a spiritual awakening. Wait until he learns that bananas prove God exists.
I'm sure nobody involved in making this wants my advice on how to "fix" their movie, as I imagine the movie is exactly what they want it to be. But I'm going to give it a shot, and I'm going to try and not betray the film's Christian themes by doing so, which is admittedly very important to the filmmakers. This scene between Cameron and his dad his supposed to be the pivotal moment of the movie, but it's stale, trite, and tries to sell the right message for the wrong reasons. Way too many Christian themed films hinge on the idea that they need to focus on a non-believer who sees the light, because all of life's problems miraculously end because Jesus loves you. I imagine this is because it feeds into Christianity's colonialism slant where Christians feel they need to sell their religion to as many takers as possible and just spread like wildfire, so when someone "wakes up" it's to trigger a reaction of "WE GOT ONE!" A Christian movie shouldn't need to do this to create conflict, because then the film falls on the shoulders of scenes like this that need to shake a character's entire ideology, which is easier said than done. In this particular case we don't need this subplot, because marital problems are universal and aren't the result of a lack of faith. It occurs to me that Fireproof might benefit from making Kirk Cameron's character a Christian from the begining of the film and show him struggling with the idea of separating from his wife because of the Christian values he has been raised with. You can make the first half of the movie play out almost the exact same way with minimal changes, until you get to this wide-awake nightmare of a scene. Have Cameron's dad sit Cameron down and help define that the while wedding vows are sacred in front of God, fundamentally the issues in a marriage come down to two clashing individuals who need their personal needs met. Kirk Cameron doesn't need a bible pep talk right now. Dad needs to sit his ass down, tell Cameron to stop being a shithead (in more Christian terminology than I'm using), and let him know that not violating your vows is one thing, but if you want to prove that those vows you made to your Lord meant anything in the first place, you
fight for your goddamn marriage.The movie would still be cringe, but at least it would have its moral pulled out of the gutter and cleaned off. I think that would be much more impactful than "You're going to hell and your marriage is shit."
After this, the movie then centers itself back on Cameron and his wife as Cameron becomes more determined than ever to save his marriage. Somehow, after it's big Jesus centerpiece, I'm even less invested in their relationship. It's supposed to be a big turning point in Cameron's character in discovering it's how he's treating his wife that's ruining his marriage and not the other way around, but now he's saving his marriage because it's the Christian thing to do and not about personal truth and happiness, which feels like the wrong reason to save a marriage. This movie needs to convince me that what Cameron and his wife have is true love, and it's not doing that. It's more along the lines of marriage being a sacred vow for life, and if it's falling apart, too fucking bad. You're stuck for life, bitch!
From here on the movie gets cringier with Cameron's antics, as he bashes an expensive PC with a baseball bat so he doesn't look at pornography (that is a hard overreaction) and he gives a lecture to his wife's romantic interest about the power of his wedding ring (GREEN LANTERN'S LIGHT) and how he's going to win her heart because they're already married. Congratulations on objectifying the female lead.
What is this all leading to? How does Cameron win back his wife's affection? He spends 23 grand on hospital equipment for her parents. I think this is supposed to contrast the fact that he was reluctant to spend $45 on roses for her earlier in the movie, but if Cameron had tens of thousands of dollars in the bank, he wouldn't have blinked at that $45. Hell, he probably would have gone full material possession in trying to win her affections throughout the entire movie (at least then he might learn a lesson about not being able to buy love or some shit). So this implies that he either has a secret savings account his wife doesn't know about (so she doesn't take it in the divorce?) or he just put a mortgage on their house without telling her. Neither reflects well on him as a husband, and are honestly both grounds for a divorce by themselves.
His wife's grand gesture in all of this is that she doesn't fuck the guy she's thinking of fucking. Congrats, Kirk! God has gifted her vagina fidelity to you!
It all comes to a head at his place of work...
This movie has one final "twist" at the end (spoiler alert, if you care), where Kirk Cameron finds out the labor of winning back a failed marriage wasn't something his father did, but his mother instead. Why does this matter? I don't know. The movie seems to think it's some sort of closure on his raging sexism throughout the film, at least as far as I can tell. He runs to his mother and hugs her while crying saying "I'm sorry!" Sorry for what? That she hasn't had more than two lines in the movie?
But if
Doomsday is trying to recreate the Tulsa experience by giving me this movie...let me tell you, Fireproof is a fucking Oscar winner compared to Tulsa, so that didn't happen. Here are some things Fireproof had going for it: 1. The argument scenes are actually pretty well staged. They are a fairly strong recreation of how small irritation can snowball into an all-out shouting match. 2. While the movie is misguided and manipulative in presenting its messages, I can't deny that some of them are worth presenting. If someone saw this movie as a foundation for strengthening their own marriage, that's fair enough. There are some takeaways here that are important and just taking those from it might be more than enough. I can't pretend it's a good movie though. It often feels like it's doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.
But if
Doomsday's intent was to implant the idea in
Neverending's head that he needs to give me nothing but Kirk Cameron movies from now on, mission accomplished!
Time TrapSo, I was at home sick and fucking around on Shudder a few months ago and I just kind of tuned into the Shudder TV live stream and just watched whatever the fuck was on it, which happened to be a low budget, indie sci-fi movie called Coherence. It was a movie done with limited resources with somewhat bad acting and dialogue (I later found out it was shot without a script and everyone was improvising), but despite this it was keeping my attention with a high concept premise that was continually engaging and interesting, where a group of people find themselves in the middle of some sort of convergence of the multiverse and suddenly find themselves surrounded by hundreds of houses featuring alternate versions of themselves from alternate realities. I was kind of digging it and wanted to know where it was going.
Long story short, if I had known Ian was going to give me Time Trap, I would have given him Coherence as an option. That was largely the movie i was thinking of while I was watching this movie. And while a good argument could be made that Coherence is a better film than Time Trap (because it is), it would seem like a fair trade.
Meanwhile,
Doomsday watches a mediocre superhero movie and I watch a Kirk Cameron movie. Let's not talk about equal trade.
Like Coherence, Time Trap is a low budget, high concept sci-fi movie that is mostly confined to a single set. I'm also reminded of an episode of Sliders called In Dino Veritas, where the Sliders hide in a cave after being chased by a dinosaur, because they had a cave set at their disposal and wanted to set a budget saving episode inside of it. I imagine Time Trap was conceived for similar reasons, perhaps the filmmakers had access to a large cave set and wrote an entire movie around it. But rather than do a traditional spelunking/cave-in rescue story, they chose to have a more unique reason to have the main characters limited to their cave surroundings, in that they're caught in some sort of time vortex where they move much slower than the outside world. It's actually a terrifying concept to think about, and say what you will about the movie, but it really goes to bat to sell it the best it can.
Where the movie will likely make or break itself with most people is the acting, which is pretty uneven. The male lead is stiff, expressionless, and lacks charisma, while the supporting cast ranges from hard underacting to wild overacting. Coherence had a reason for its performances in that it was using improv to try and make the characters feel real, and all the talking over each other and lack of dialogue flow was just something it decided was a cost worth paying. Time Trap's is simple script and acting issues, which becomes very telling during some heavy exposition scenes and characters deducing what is going on.
Like Coherence, I was a bit glued to Time Trap, because even if it was faulted I was curious about where it would end up. As if Coherence and Sliders weren't enough, I found myself recalling yet another film while watching it, this time a film featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000 called The Time Travelers, which played with linear time moving forward as well. I theorized it might have ended like that film with time loops (see also the Futurama finale "Meanwhile"), but it instead had a more adventurous ending that implied there is more to our character's story and this was just the beginning without fully showing off what's next for them. I kind of dug it.
I imagine most come into this Film Club to get recommended greats that pass them by, real gems that remind them why they watch movies. I like those movies. But in my case it's movies like Time Trap that remind me why I watch movies. Movies that I can watch and see through their imperfections and find a beating heart that it's wants the world to see. A lot of people probably wouldn't bother, and would probably turn it off after 10 minutes of suffering through the acting. But I watch movies like this to see through the fog and see the movie for what it is, point at it and say "I see what you did there." I love seeing that heart, even if the movie isn't a home run.