Post by Neverending on Oct 18, 2014 15:31:55 GMT -5
RANKING THE FILMS OF MICHAEL BAY!
Michael Bay is one of the most fascinating filmmakers working in Hollywood today. Everyone hates him, and yet, everybody goes to see his movies. It's like... when you're driving and see a car accident you have to slow down to check it out. Curiosity always gets the best of you in regards to Mr. Bay. So, with this weekend's release of Pain and Gain, it seems like an ideal time to discuss his work.
#9 - PEARL HARBOR (2001)
During the 4th of July weekend in the year 2000, I saw the first teaser trailer for Pearl Harbor during a packed screening of the George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg classic, The Perfect Storm. It showed the citizens of Hawaii staring into the sky as Japanese planes flew towards Pearl Harbor. And all that could be heard was dramatic music and a speech by FDR. When it was over, everyone turned to each other and said, "wow! That's gonna be awesome." What none of us knew at that moment was that the marketing and title were incredibly misleading. Pearl Harbor isn't about Pearl Harbor. It's about two soldiers in love with a nurse. Normally, I like to judge a movie for what it is instead of what it should have been. But here, I have to make an exception. If you're making a film titled Pearl Harbor, it should be about what led the U.S. to join World War II. It should have been an historical drama and not some romance flick for teenage girls. I know Titanic was a record-breaking success and everyone wanted to cash in on it, but Michael Bay approached it the wrong way. A few years ago, there was a Robert Pattison romance drama called Remember Me or something like that. It ended with his character on the World Trade Center right before the September 11 terrorist attack. It shocked everyone because nobody expected it. So, if Michael Bay had used a similar approach with this story, it might have been effective.
#8 - TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011)
When I first saw Dark of the Moon, I thought it was an improvement over Revenge of the Fallen. In retrospect, it isn't. For starters, it's very forgettable. Say what you want about the previous installments, but at least they stick with you. You're never gonna forget the first time you saw a live-action Optimus Prime. You're never gonna forget the two racist robots from the sequel. They were memorable movies. Dark of the Moon, on the other hand, is just bland. Secondly, the storyline is weird. If the U.S. launched its mission to the moon because they spotted a Transformer, then why did it take three films to bring it up? Shouldn't they have mentioned it, you know, the first time these robots started fighting each other on our planet? I know Michael Bay and his writers made up this s--t as they went along, but this plot just seemed a little too late.
#7 - TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009)
Despite the negative reviews on the internet, the masses loved Revenge of the Fallen. I still remember Frizzo being horrified when he heard his co-workers praising it. And as a Target employee, he would also know that Revenge of the Fallen was the top-selling blu-ray of 2009. So, this wasn't some isolated incident. 4 years later, I understand why the movie works. It's an insight into Michael Bay's sense of humor. Because of the 2007-08 writer's strike, there was no script. It was just an outline and storyboards. So, literally, this movie is just Michael Bay making s--t up on the spot. The results are... Sam's mom high on pot, some overly-sexual Transformer that attacks Shia LaBeouf with her tongue, two racist robots, a Transformer that humps Megan Fox's legs, a Transformer with testicles (because why not), and Transformers heaven cause robots are clearly spiritual & have an after-life. This is one of those movies that's gonna be ridiculed a decade from now on YouTube by Nostalgia Critic clones. It's such a bizarre movie that you can't help but laugh at it.
#6 - ARMAGEDDON (1998)
Armageddon has many flaws but there are two that stick out the most. Oil drillers in space is stupid and the love story between Ben Affleck & Liv Tyler is underdeveloped. But despite all this, I still enjoy Armageddon. Bruce Willis is awesome. Billy Bob Thorton is fun to watch. Steve Buscemi is hilarious as usual. The action scenes are well done. The Oscar-nominated title song by Aerosmith is... good. So, forgive me, but I'm gonna give Armageddon a seal of approval. I mean... it's on the Criterion Collection, so it can't be that bad, right?
#5 - BAD BOYS II (2003)
One of the most common issues in Michael Bay movies is the running time. No film should be longer than 2 hours unless there's a story to support it. And as we all know, there are no Michael Bay movies with a good story. So why he constantly insists on a two and a half hour running time is incomprehensible. Bad Boys II is a perfectly good sequel, but man, it's f---ing long. For what it's worth, the chemistry between Will Smith and Martin Lawrence continues to be great. The action scenes are, of course, incredible. And the comedy is actually really good. But a way shorter running time would have been preferable.
#4 - THE ISLAND (2005)
The Island takes great dystopian literature and turns it into a summer blockbuster directed by Michael Bay. So is it bad? Not really. The first half of the movie is actually pretty good. Everything is taken seriously and handled well. We meet a society of repressed people that turn out to be clones for the rich. Whenever one of them is injured or has serious health issues, they'll take the clones and use their body parts to cure them. It's an interesting concept. In the second half, two of the clones escape the facility they're in, and suddenly it turns into a typical Michael Bay action flick. But... by this point you're invested in the characters and storyline so just go along with it. Well, at least I did. Overall, it's a decent film.
#3 - TRANSFORMERS (2007)
The sequels are so bad that it is easy to forget how awesome the first movie is. What benefits the original installment is that it was developed as a Steven Spielberg production. Michael Bay's only real contributions are the military & government angle and, of course, the over-bloated action sequences. But the story, characters, and even humor, are what you'd expect from a Spielberg produced feature. You have Shia LaBeouf as a typical teenager getting his first car, which naturally, is a clunker. Except it turns out to be a Transformer in disguise. It's such an inventive and relatable concept that it works. Add in Megan Fox as the hot girl every guy wants and a save the world plotline and you have a winner. This is a genuinely entertaining movie. However, it isn't perfect. There are some things that bother me. The shaky cam is annoying. And no effort was made to distinguish the various Transformers. You have Bumblebee, who's yellow, and that's about it. Everyone else, more or less, looks the same so the action scenes can get very confusing. Other than that, I don't have much to complain about. As I said, it's a good movie.
#2 - BAD BOYS (1995)
In the `90s, I was a big fan of two urban sitcoms: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Martin. So when I heard that Will Smith and Martin Lawrence had starred in a buddy cops movie, I was excited. Especially since the buddy cops sub-genre was no longer common in the 1990's. The action genre was focusing on Die Hard rip-offs and high-concept features that took advantage of the emerging CGI technology. So this was a nice throwback and had the right stars involved. Now, I shouldn't have to tell you that Bad Boys is a good movie. Most people have seen it and agree with that statement. However, this is a perfect opportunity to bring up the elephant in the room. Michael Bay does have ONE talent: his visual style. Every Michael Bay movie looks good and distinctive, which is why he has always stood out despite the overall quality of his work. As Doomsday would probably say, his career is a giant turd but it's a unique looking turd, so you have to at least admire it for a bit. When Bad Boys was released, since it had a fun premise and enjoyable actors, people were blown away by what Michael Bay had to offer. Audience interest was peaked and they were genuinely looking forward to his next film. And boy, he didn't disappoint.
#1 - THE ROCK (1996)
If Michael Bay has one truly great movie... it's The Rock. In fact, I have another theory as to why people continue to watch Michael Bay movies. It's what I call the James Cameron syndrome. James Cameron made two great Terminator movies, Aliens, and True Lies. So when he released Titanic and Avatar, everyone in the world went to see it because it's from the guy that made those classics. It's the same with Michael Bay. He made The Rock. Deep down, you're rooting for the guy. You want him to make another movie as good as The Rock. And if Pain and Gain is any indication, maybe he might someday. The guy isn't even 50 yet. He still has a long career ahead of him. But anyway, I don't know what I can say about The Rock that isn't already well-known. It... kick's ass. For starters, Sean Connery makes every movie better. I know Dracula disagrees with that because Diamonds Are Forever, to him, is such a turd. But let me put it this way. Imagine Diamonds Are Forever with Roger Moore. It would have been a hundred times worse. Connery has charm, wit, and great screen presence. That's a great asset. Nicolas Cage, on the other hand, can be over-the-top sometimes but under the right circumstances it can work. Cage balances Connery very well and they're fun to watch together. Add to that Ed Harris and you have a dose of class and depth. Now take that cast and combine it with great action and visuals... and you have a very entertaining movie.
