Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - Review Thread

So you're saying I'd like it.

I heard this suuuuuucks.

This movie looks absolutely ridiculous and nonsensical like the first Jurassic World.

I am sure I'll enjoy every minute of it. You can make a big dumb blockbuster and still make it entertaining. Just saying.

Saw it tonight because whatever. Dinosaurs.

Didn't hate it. Maybe I'd go as far to say it's the one I enjoyed the most out of the ones Spielberg didn't direct, but I'm not really picking from the cream of the crop there.

This is one dumb fucking movie though. Hell the third act bad dino vs. good guys climax is set into motion by one of the human bad guys making the single stupidest decision out of all five of these movies (which is saying a lot). I just sat there going "Whyyyyyy? Why would you do that? Why are you defying common sense?"

But I enjoyed enough of it. A lot of the setpieces are fun, including one that made me giggle quite a bit involving a pachycephalosaurus. I enjoyed the visuals as well, some of which reminded me of Nosferatu with the use of shadow.

I probably would have been more invested in it had it been the story of an active park built around an active volcano. Now that would be something.

I'm never real.

Isn’t the end of Lost World the part that people liked the least?

Personally I was just disgusted by the implication of a mixed race couple with goldblum. No place for that in this world. #maga

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - Review


Minor spoilers read at own risk, Unless your Neverending

Look, I try and be positive when I go into movies. Even if I think it'll be bad I try and get what enjoyment I can and find positive things to appreciate. I don't care if your movie is dumb, poorly written, cliche, loud, long, etc. The only thing I ask is please don't be boring. So how was a movie about dinosaurs attacking people so fucking boring? Major pacing issues mixed with bland as fuck characters just made this a chore to get through.

The most disappointing thing was the lack of interesting or surprising deaths. I think there were like four major deaths? One of them was a pillow smothering off screen which I thought was kind of out of place here, and the dinosaur related ones were all dealt out to major animal abusing shitbags. Remember in Jurassic World where the caretaker woman dies a gruesome death and everyone was like, "That was a bit much." It was, but it kind of kept you on the edge of your seat as far as who might die during the movie. Sure, no kids or main characters, but if the secretary gets tossed in the air and snapped in half by a water dino then maybe anything can happen.

There was a point in JW:FK where the nerdy character is running up a ladder and the ladder falls back down towards the danger and in that brief moment I thought it would be great if he dies here. Set the tone that I don't know who might die, plus his scaredy cat shtick was played out by then. Once he survived that scene I got the idea that this movie had no balls, and it never challenged me on that front. Everyone who died was a mustache twirling level villain doing insanely dumb shit. As if no one has been paying attention to know these things are dangerous, hey why not bring them to America and lock them in small cages under a mansion. Surely this will go far better than a secluded island with endless security measures.

Also the movie was sprinkled with moments that seemed to have no sense or motivation and only existed to get characters into cliche situations that wrote themselves. Like when the paleo veterinarian (who, by the way, has never seen a dinosaur? How are you a paleo veterinarian if you've never seen a dinosaur? Don't vets work on animals not just theorize about it? She specifically said PALEO vet. Whatever.) grabs the gun and points it at the military guy. Then, in response, the military guy boredly points his gun at her. So she explains that he needs her alive and how everyone should put guns down. But he never even threatened her? She grabbed the gun and pointed it at him. Seemed to me like she wouldn't have had to negotiate for her life if she hadn't started the situation? I know there was more going on but that scene was basically character grabs gun, points it at someone, then says hey let's all just put the guns down.

Also did it bother anyone else that Chris Pratt decides to adopt a child immediately after meeting her? I know they didn't use that language but it's like the movie just assumed you knew they'd end up taking care of her so they skipped over any motivation or reason for them to do so. It's just like oh there's a kid here. Guess it's our kid now.

It really bothered me that this Indo Raptor didn't have any of the powers the Indominus Rex had. The whole point of genetic engineering in the first JW was that they had made this super beast with like camouflage and all these crazy genetic powers, but the Indo Rex never used any of them? And it didn't even seem half as smart as everyone said it was. It opened one door and had a really hard time finding THREE people it was in the same room with because they were playing ring around the rosie. If that thing was half the hunter Dr. Wu said it was it would have taken out the entire complex before the gas was an issue.

It was just all so pointless and frustrating. I was so bored waiting for the dinos to break out of their cages after that big exploding island set piece where no one got hurt, then when it finally happened there was nothing new to convince me this thing was a real threat.

Best part of the movie was Paralyzed Pratt trying to get away from the lava. Everything else... I dunno. I went into this with really low expectations and still ended up disappointed. Kind of a shame because the third one they set up has an interesting premise but I can't imagine it's suddenly going to get competent writing.

And don't even get me started on the kid. What an awful plot/reveal that was. As if anyone cared where she came from or "what she is." Literally no one cared and it had no effect on anything. And I'm sorry, I don't like to besmirch the work of child actors, but that "They're alive... like me" line almost gave me something terminal.

5/10

The First "Jurassic World" was way better.