Neverending
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Post by Neverending on Mar 15, 2018 3:20:15 GMT -5
 It’s crazy to think that it’s 2018 and Hollywood is still riding Christopher Nolan’s cock. Has 10 years of Marvel meant nothing? If you’re gonna make a Tomb Raider movie, make a Tomb Raider movie, even if it means Angelina Jolie punching a shark. Alicia Vikander stars in this reboot that could have easily been titled Lara Croft Origins: Tomb Raider. They could have cast a 15 year old Disney Channel actor and it would have made no difference. Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior has more merit than this shit. When we meet Lara Croft, she’s still coming to terms with the disappearance of her father 7 years earlier. In flashbacks, Lara Croft is a preteen. That makes her college-aged in present time. She spends her days with the youth in London, running away from her family fortune and her feelings. One day, an attorney reaches out to her with a map that leads to her father’s whereabouts in an Asian island. The movie has to pander to Asia cause that’s where the money is these days. Now the adventure begins and we meet the villains of the story: Americans. They’re after a tomb containing an ancient virus that could be spread across the globe and kill everyone. Neat plot if they had done something with it. Instead we just get Lara Croft running around, shooting arrows and solving puzzles. There might be more action in those Noah Wyle Librarian movies for TNT. This movie is a bore. Alicia Vikander is nice to look at, and she kept my penis awake, but my brain went to sleep. Better luck next time. Only good scene is Nick Frost as Lara Croft’s gun salesman. “I’m not flirting. I’m naturally charismatic.” |
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Doomsday
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Post by Doomsday on Mar 15, 2018 10:45:05 GMT -5
Yeah this one is a hard pass for me.
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1godzillafan
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I like pie!
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Post by 1godzillafan on Mar 15, 2018 13:29:25 GMT -5
Yeah this one is a hard pass for me. Tomb Raider is Doomsday's latest cinematic kidney stone. |
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Neverending
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Post by Neverending on Mar 15, 2018 14:11:36 GMT -5
Yeah this one is a hard pass for me. But feminism |
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FShuttari
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SPIDEY do! What SPIDEY DOES!
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Post by FShuttari on Mar 15, 2018 14:14:10 GMT -5
Some of my friends who have played the last 2 games that have come out, said it was pretty accurate and fun popcorn flick. I'm going to give it a shot sometime next week
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Neverending
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Post by Neverending on Mar 15, 2018 14:18:45 GMT -5
Some of my friends who have played the last 2 games that have come out, said it was pretty accurate and fun popcorn flick. I'm going to give it a shot sometime next week generation continues to ruin everything. Only one Tomb Raider, baby.  |
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Deexan
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Post by Deexan on Mar 17, 2018 2:28:01 GMT -5
I spuffed on her imaginary wabs so many times...
(Google it.)
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Jibbs
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Post by Jibbs on Mar 17, 2018 12:28:05 GMT -5
I refuse to Google that. You're making up words.
Dirty, dirty words.
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Ramplate
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Post by Ramplate on Mar 18, 2018 7:28:55 GMT -5
I'm seeing it, I don't care if Neverending had a wet diaper when he wrote his review  |
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PhantomKnight
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Post by PhantomKnight on Mar 22, 2018 18:15:47 GMT -5
I saw this last weekend, and it's...fine. Not awful, at least for me, just kind of on the borderline between O.K. and good. It's at least entertaining in a mindless sort of way and I thought Alicia Vikander did a good enough job. Walton Goggins, while his character was definitely underwritten, did at least have good presence and menace. The action scenes were fun, but yeah...why couldn't she have just gone after an artifact? Why use a virus angle? Again?
It's rental-worthy, at least, and certainly more watchable than the vast majority of video game movies out there.
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