Dracula Presents: The Ninth Annual Golden Stake Awards

Best Line
Throwing around quotes is something of a pastime among film buffs and fortunately there’s a new batch of potential classic lines that comes along every year. That said this award is more about the process of constructing a perfect little bit of writing than it is about creating something that is going to be widely quoted and to be nominated the line does need to have a certain ring to it when read out of context.

“Tell me the difference between stupid and illegal and I'll have my wife's brother arrested.” - The Big Short: One of the things that made the 2008 Wall Street crash so infuriating is that in many ways it happened because markets had been deregulated to the point where it wasn’t at all clear if the causes of the crash were illegal at all to begin with and even if they were the regulators were so asleep at the wheel that the people on the ground didn’t even think to be afraid of them. This line, said by the Ryan Gosling character in response to the Steve Carrell character’s shock about how stupid and fraudulent the real estate market had become, illustrates that state of affairs and attitude while also being a funny in-law joke.

“My name is Donovan, Irish, both sides, mother and father. I’m Irish, you’re German. But what makes us both Americans? Just one thing. One, only one: the rulebook. We call it the Constitution and we agree to the rules, and that's what makes us Americans. It’s all that makes us Americans so don’t tell me there’s no rulebook and don’t nod at me like that you son of a bitch.” – Bridge of Spies: This little speech comes into Bridge of Spies during a scene where someone from the CIA approaches Hanks’ character attempting to get privileged information about his client expecting the lawyer to not take this prisoner’s rights seriously because he’s an alleged traitor and alleges that there’s “no rulebook here.” Clearly he gets a bit of a mouthful in response. The speech cuts to the core of the film’s message and is also delivered very eloquently as only Tom Hanks can. Watch the scene sometime and admire how eloquently he takes the hostility out of that insult at the end.

“Gentlemen, I know Americans aren't apt to let a little thing like unconditional surrender get in the way of a good war. But I strongly suggest we don’t restage The Battle of Baton Rouge during a blizzard in Minnie’s Haberdashery.” -The Hateful Eight: This line, spoken by Tim Roth’s character, is both amusing in its construction and is also where Tarantino shows his hand a bit as to what is going on in this movie because Oswaldo’s advice is definitely not heeded. The whole movie is all about the post war tensions between everyone in the room and this line finds an amusing way to call this out without seeming wildly on the nose and also bringing out the character’s claims at being something of a neutral arbiter of this situation.

“Congratulations San Francisco, you’ve ruined Pizza. First the Hawaiians and now you” – Inside Out: You can tell that Lewis Black, who was cast as the voice of anger, is having to restrain himself a lot in order to keep things PG in this Pixar movie, but occasionally you see him cut loose a bit. This line, which comes in response to the title character being offered Broccoli Pizza at a funky San Francisco pizzeria. In its form this is very much the kind of line you’d hear from an adult stand-up comedian, but I do like how this comes in the context of a very childlike reaction to a vegetable and how it reflects the character’s anxiety about her new home.

“In the face of overwhelming odds, I’m left with only one option, I’m gonna have to science the shit out of this” - The Martian: I’ll be honest, looking at this line on the page and out of context it makes me cringe just a little, and the same can sort of be said about a lot of the lines in this movie. However, when you’re watching it in the movie and understand the feelgood vibe it’s going for it really makes sense. This is not an original quote, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that terminology elsewhere, but the audacity to have a character just come out and say it in a huge movie like this is pretty cool.

And the Golden Stake goes to…