Post by Jibbs on Oct 5, 2014 11:08:53 GMT -5
Jedi Knight 10-13-2000 10:04 PM
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The Comingsoon Bar Room Brawl!
*Jedi steps into an empty Bar Room.
He steps up to the bar counter and wipes the sleep from his eyes.
"What can I get for ya?" The Bar Tender asks as he steps up.
"A water, please" Jedi says while he looks around the room; not even making eye contact with the Bar Tender.
"Okay. Coming right up" The Bar Tender disappears into a room in the far corner of the bar.
Jedi looks around the room. He's not sure if this is a safe place to be; he could sense someone coming.
Suddenly James Bond walks into the room.
Jedi ignores Bond as he takes a seat.
The Bar Tender hands Jedi a glass of water and steps up to take Bond's order.
"What do ya want?" The Bar Tender asks.
"Dry martini; shaken, not stirred" Bond says as he puts on some sunglasses.
"Okay." The Bar Tender says as he turns to walk away.
But, Suddenly Barney enters the Bar.
Bond swings around to see who's entered the room.
"Well this is just great! Its that bloody dinosaur again!" Bond says as he pulls a gun from the inside of his jacket.
Jedi turns around to watch the whole fight.
"This should be interesting.." Jedi says.
Now its your turn. What should happen next in the "Bar Room Brawl" (PS; James Bond and Jedi and all of the Comingsoon posters can't be killed. But anyone else can)
[This message has been edited by Jedi Knight (edited 11-08-2000).]
JBond 10-14-2000 08:59 PM
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Damn right Bond can't die!
Anyway, Bond pulls out his Walther PPK, but then he realizes that instead of one Velociraptor, there are 5! So he takes Jedi's Lightsaber, and is just about to engage when he finds that the lightsaber doesn't work!! He opens the bottom of the lightsaber and realizes that Jedi bought the generic brand of batteries! He should of went with Energizer, they keep going, and going...
Jedi Knight 10-15-2000 09:57 AM
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Suddenly, the Predator bursts into the room and starts kicking the living daylights out of Jedi.
Until Ahnuld shows up!
"Hey, I will cush you with my finga!" Ahnuld says he punches the Predator in the face.
The Predator falls back and trips onto the ground.
Jedi gets up on his feet and looks around.
He looks to his left and he sights...Neo from The Matrix!
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, etc, etc" Neo repeats the same words over and over again as he does a back flip.
"Holy poo!" Ahnuld exclaims as he sights Neo.
"Arnold Brawsheimer! Throw me a gun!" Jedi yells out to Arnold.
"Its Arnold Schwarzenegger!" Arnold screams back.
"Whatever, man" Jedi says as he pulls a glass off of the counter.
"Dodge this!" Jedi says as he nails Neo over the head with the glass.
Neo lets out one last "Whoa" as he plummets to the ground; dead.
JBond 10-15-2000 11:17 AM
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Now that Bond has been eaten by the Raptors, since no one saved him (*cough*), the predator takes off his mask and starts to push little buttons on his wrist.
"Bwa ha ha ha" laughs the Predator
Jedi says "you are one, ugly, mother fu-"
"Hey!! that's mah line!!" blurts Arnold
Arnold throws a chair at Jedi, he uses his force to make it miss (not knowing it hit William Shatner just entering the bar)
Meanwhile, when Arnold and Jedi are fighting, everyone has seemed to forgot that a nuclear bomb is about to go off...
Superman 10-15-2000 02:40 PM
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That's when a certain mild-mannered reporter is out walking with Lois Lane when he hears the ticking nuke. The mild-mannered stranger quickly ditches the beautiful girl (idiot...) and changes into... Superman!!
Superman finds the nuke and flies to the bar, he watches Jedi Knight and Predator fight with a wounded and delusional Shatner moaning "There is no place like home," and "hey hey we're the Moneky's!" Not knowing which situation is worse, Superman finally decides that he has to save the people from Shatner's words and takes him to a hospital. He then returns to the bar, straps the nuke to the Predator and chucks his ugly ass into space where it blows...
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 10-15-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-15-2000 03:17 PM
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Suddenly, Bruce Campbell enters the room, chainsaw in hand and exclaims, "Come get some!"
JBond 10-15-2000 03:43 PM
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(LOL superman!)
With Shatner in the mental hospital, the nurses had to sedate him from saying things over and over like "God damnit Jim, you're a space captain, not a director!"
Meanwhile, Jedi, Superman, and Bond (he's ok)are walking down the street and see a movie theater and decide to see a movie. The movies that are showing are: Superman 5: Superman vs. Bill Gates, Bond Saves the World, and Star Wars Episode 2: Bye Bye Jedis.
So they split up...
Superman 10-15-2000 05:03 PM
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As the three heroes decide to go to their own movies, Superman realizes something odd about JBond after his encounter with the Raptors. It appears his left leg is in place of his left arm and his left arm is in place of his left leg because he was stitched in a rush job. Superman decides to see how long it takes for JBond to realize this.
Meanwhile Shatner is in the mental ward of the hospital cursing like a sailor and claiming outrageous things like inventing sliced bread and being engaged to Britney Spears.
Our three heroes purchase their tickets, Superman waves to the other two heroes and JBond waves his left foot back thinking its his hand. Jedi Knight starts giggling like a school girl. As they settle in their seats they hear a rumbling and scream...
Bruce Campbell continues to shout out random phrases at the bar even though no one is there anymore. Poor bastard...
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 10-15-2000).]
JBond 10-15-2000 05:44 PM
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After the Rumble was heard...
Bond: Excuse me! I had quite a meal!
Jedi: No you idiot, that wasn't you, it was...a...A...Tyrannosaurs Mex!!!
T-Mex: Hola!
AAAAAAAAAA!
The Tyrannosaurs Mex then starts to eat everyone in the theater.
Some Guy: Hey! Down in front!!!
He is quickly devoured
Jedi: Hey!! Eat this!
Jedi throws his lightsaber into the T-Mex's mouth.
Jedi: Oh shoot! Qui-Gon Jinn gave me that!
T-Mex dies and Bond and Jedi find Superman before the police arrive. (Though it takes awile for Bond to get out of the theater because he keeps tripping over his hand.)
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 10-15-2000).]
Superman 10-15-2000 07:04 PM
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Superman walks out of the theater casually eating his popcorn and junior mints when he notices everyone running out.
Superman: Dudes what happened?
JBond and Jedi Knight simultaneously explain
Superman: A mexican dinosaur with a sombraro, what the hell did they put in your popcorn.
JBond proceeds to give the finger but realizes he's actually showing his middle toe. A confused Jedi Knight looks on and shows Superman the defeated dinosaur.
Superman: AHHHH! Okay now you guys have done it!! This is a dinosaur from the JP3 movie, its a prop that cost millions of dollars and "Mr. Jedi Knight, I'm so cool" just destroyed it.
A moment of silence.
JBond: Why not blame it on Shatner?
Jedi Knight: Okay!
Superman: I'm with it
Jedi Knight: Hey lets go look for more trouble!
Superman: Uh JBond your shoe goes on your hand now...
JBond: <throws the shoe at Superman>
Superman: Freak!
JBond: Bite me you tight wearing pansy!
Superman: Your momma
JBond: My momma what?
Superman: Momma said knock you out!
Jedi Knight: Hey ladies break it up! We got bigger problems...
Jedi Knight 10-15-2000 07:52 PM
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Suddenly Godzilla (the new one from 1998) comes running towards Jedi, Superman, and Bond.
Godzilla pauses right before he's about to crush the three heroes underfoot and turns to take a seat on a nearby car.
"Hey, wait a minute...!" Jedi screams out to the Lizard. But its too late, Godzilla crushes the car as he sits down upon it.
"Oh, great! Thanks a lot you stupid Jurassic Park rip off! You just smashed my Rent-A Car!" Jedi screams at the idiot monster.
Godzilla just growls and continues to sit.
Jedi turns and walks away. But as he turns he sights something in the sky...
"Oh crap" Superman says as he looks into the sky.
"We've got trouble" Bond says as the Space ship overshadows them.
"What're we gonna go now?" Jedi asks.
Superman 10-15-2000 08:13 PM
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As the mothership hovers over, the three heroes look on. Godzilla looks up and pure fear is put in him, so much fear that he starts pissing.
Superman: &%#&$!@ b*tch lizard is taking a piss on a windy day duck!
The three heroes proceed to hide in a building.
Jedi Knight: At least he didn't take a dump
JBond: Um too late buds, he just took a dump on our rental car!
Superman: Hey Jedi Knight your not insured for that sort of thing are you?
Jedi Knight: <shoots a look at Superman> That's it! That lizard is going down!!!
Superman: Whoa cowboy, you don't have the means to do that!
Jedi Knight: I'll find a way! JBond, take your foot off my shoulder.
JBond: Whoops sorry bad habit.
Superman: I have an idea! Okay JBond, due to your freakish appreance...
JBond: Hey you...
Superman: Hear me out, okay you run out there in front of the JP rip-off and distract him. He'll be confused because of your odd physical situation, so then I'll fly into his back and then Jedi Knight will finish him off with his lightsaber!
Jedi Knight: Yo "Man of Steel" I lost my saber back there in the theater.
Superman: Use a rock! Or JBond....
JBond: Hey!
They proceed with their plan and Superman knocks the lizard over, Jedi Knight throws some rocks and then proceeds to throw JBond.
JBond: Ow, hey!
Jedi Knight: Sorry it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
JBond: <kicks Jedi Knight with his left foot in place of his arm>
Jedi Knight: Hey what was that for?!
JBond: It seemed like the right thing to do!
Superman: Hahahaha! Uh I hate to break up your little skirmish but we still gotta take that mothership down!
Jedi Knight: I'm damn useless without my saber!
JBond: Your damn useless in general...
Jedi Knight: I heard that!
Superman: So what next?
JBond 10-15-2000 10:12 PM
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First of all, in a blink of an eye, JBond gets surgery and is back to normal (i hate you guys www.comingsoon.net/ubb/smile.gif). Then Jedi uses the force to make random people off the street to fly into the windshield of the mothership.
Superman: Glad your power is good for something.
Eventually the ship can't see and crashes into a Firestone blimp and it deflates and plummets to the ground along with the ship.
JBond: Like we didn't see that one coming!
But because the ship is so big, it ends up killing thousands of people in the process (like what should have happened in the movie).
Then the three "heores" knew they were in trouble, but as it turns out, in New York killing a person is only a $5 fine. So they charge it to William Shatner and move on.
Superman 10-16-2000 09:06 PM
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Superman: (to Jedi Knight) You know there was an easier way to do that, I could've taken care of it with a zero casulty rate.
Jedi Knight: Yeah but they're New Yorkers, who the hell is gonna care?
Superman: Too true my clumsy friend. Good to see you back to normal JBond, you know I'll miss your handicap because at least we had some comic relief.
JBond: Why would you need me as comic relief when we can just look at your face!
Superman: You philandering...
Jedi Knight: Hey quit it, we need to find my new saber.
JBond: <Not use to his regular form he trips backwards into a young couple walking by>
Superman: <shakes head>
Jedi Knight: At least he's still half-way entertaining.
JBond: Hey I heard that! <As he gets up>
Superman: Hey we can get you a new saber, all we have to do is find Yoda!
Jedi Knight: Yeah that's it!
JBond: What's it?
Superman: Nada, we'll tell you on the way.
Jedi Knight: So how do we find Yoda?
Superman: Last I heard he was pimpin downtown with E.T.
JBond: Well that's a start...
JBond 10-16-2000 09:52 PM
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JBond: Hey look! There's Han Solo and Chewbacca!
Jedi: Do you know where we can find Yoda, Han?
Chewbacca:Unnnnnngh!
Han: What's that Chewy, you think he went downtown to train E.T. into a Jedi knight?
Superman: How the HELL could he have said that in one sound??
Han: Hey!! How can someone fly and have X-Ray vision?
Superman: ...
JBond: Anyway, we better call a cab...anyone speak swaheli?
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 10-16-2000).]
Superman 10-17-2000 05:48 PM
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Superman: Chewy! You call a cab!
Chewbacca: <Groans>
Jedi Knight: Alrighty lets go!
JBond: Hey wait with you guys in there with all your crap, where am I gonna sit?
Superman: Ride on the outside.
JBond: But I'll fall!
Superman: Yeah but your Bond, you always do crazy stunts and crap so this is no different.
JBond: Yeah well your Superman you could fly!
Superman: I don't feel like it!
JBond: !#@%!*
Jedi Knight: Right back at you
The heroes ride the cab and watch for the corner street where Yoda might be pimpin, they spot a familiar figure.
Jedi Knight: Stop the cab here!
Cab screeches to a sudden halt, and at the same time JBond is seen flying over the cab due to the force of the halt he falls in front of the cab.
Superman: Whoa, I'll pay you $10 to do that again!
JBond: Har har, I'll pay you $10 to quit wearing that cape.
Superman: Talk to the hand!
Jedi Knight: Bond already talks to his own hand, sometimes when he's by himself I hear him.
JBond: Hey hey hey!! Just don't spread it around...
Superman: I found Yoda!! <runs up to Yoda> Yo man how's the biz going.
E.T.: Phone home...
Superman: Yeah later man, we got more important things to talk about.
E.T.: Phone home...
Superman: Why the hell does he keep saying that?
JBond: Because that's E.T. you reject.
Superman: So it is, never could tell those two apart...
Jedi Knight: He's just as good, maybe he can help us. E.T. I'll give you a quarter to phone home if you can tell me where Yoda is.
E.T.: Yoda is with his hoes two blocks from here.
Jedi Knight: Great! <tosses E.T. a quarter>
E.T.: I'll need more than a quarter to call space, its long distance you cheap robe wearing !#^&
Jedi Knight: <looks at Yoda with an evil smile>
Meanwhile Superman and JBond are browsing the area while Jedi Knight is away. All the sudden we see E.T. flying over head of the two heroes as Jedi Knight as punted him.
JBond: It's a bird...
Bystander 1: It's a plane...
Bystander 2: No its Superman!!
Superman: No, I'm here. It looks like Yoda
JBond: E.T.!
Superman: Whatever. Now that's something you don't see every day.
JBond: Yes, quite so...
Jedi Knight walks back towards the hero.
Superman: What happened man?
Jedi Knight: The bum gave me lip so I told him as an illegal alien in this country I'd personally send him back. So I kicked him, but he didn't go far enough apparently.
JBond: Well at least that's one way to go...
Superman: I heard him crash into Radio Shack.
Jedi Knight: So sue me. Anyways before I punted our small friend he told me that Yoda was nearby, so lets get movin...
JBond 10-17-2000 08:05 PM
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JBond: We are going to have to go to his pimping place, Superman, no X-Ray vision!
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JBond: There's Yoda!
Yoda: C'mon ladies, meet our quota we must, hmmm! And Shatner has had enough!
Hoe: I'm just not comfortable with this job.
Yoda: You will be. You, will be.
Jedi: Hey, Yoda, I need a new lightsaber.
Yoda: What do I look like, a #$%@ing convenient store?! You have to fill out a form, pay me $500, and pick it up in a few weeks, you do.
Superman: Should we pay in cash, or through your hoes? He he!
JBond: Superman! There's time for that later
(Jedi start's to choke Yoda)
Superman: Jedi! What are you doing?!
Jedi: Give! Me! My! Lightsaber!
Yoda: Fine! *Voooooooooom* (Yoda turns on his lightsaber)
(Dramatic music starts, lights dim, someone from the side passes Jedi a lightsaber, and Yoda and Jedi get into duel)
JBond: So, Superman, how are you doing!
Superman: Fine, Fine.
Will Yoda the Jed- Pimp Master win, or will he finally meet his doom!, Tune in tomorrow to find out!
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 10-17-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-17-2000 08:15 PM
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Suddenly the three heroes sight....A GIANT WILLIAM SHATNER!
Superman: Holy cow!
*Shatner starts to shake like he's having a seizure*
Shatner: KHAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!
Jedi Knight: We've gotta stop him! He's causing an earthquake!
JBond: And how are we going to do that, genius?
JBond 10-17-2000 09:22 PM
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Jedi: First we got to lure him over here
Superman: HEY! PRICELINE.COM SUCKS!!!
Shatner: Arrrrgghhh!
Jedi: He's coming! Now what
Sumperman: I don't know, I didn't think that far into the future...
(Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons: "This here is the only real working phasor, used only once to stop William Shatner from making another album")
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 10-17-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-17-2000 09:30 PM
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JBond takes the phaser and takes aim at Shatner.
But before Bond can pull the trigger, Shatner breaks out into song.
Shatner: "Your just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you..."
JBond: Aaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh! My ears!
JBond stumbles and falls to the ground; covering his ears.
Jedi goes for the phaser and fires at Shatner. The phaser stuns Shatner, who falls to the ground; KO'ed.
Superman: Get up, Bond, you idiot. Shatner's down.
JBond: *dusts off his tux* Uh, yeah. I knew that.
Jedi: Suuuurrrre.
Jedi: *looks around* Hey, where the devil did that freaking midget Yoda goe?
Superman 10-18-2000 06:46 PM
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First off before I begin my part I have to say that was mad funny with the stuff you two wrote!
Superman: Man I knew Shatner would finally lose it! The man was cursing like a sailor the last time I saw him, can't say I didn't see it coming.
JBond: Maybe he cracked when Jedi here used Shatner's credit card number for a certain 1-900 number...
Jedi Knight: Hey! That was part of my investigation to locate Yoda.
JBond: Investigation? More like probing...
Superman: <uses X-Ray vision on the females> Heh...
JBond: Enjoying yourself?
Superman: You don't know the half of it.
Jedi Knight: Okay that's enough, we have to find that b*tch Yoda!
JBond: Just how do we do that?
Superman: A minute ago I had no idea <walks toward a familiar figure>, Binks!
Jar Jar Binks: Uh oh! <Jar Jar runs outside and hits a pedestrian on his bike> Mesa Jar Jar Binks, mesa steal your bike!
JBond: Halt!
Superman: Halt? Who the hell uses that phrase?
Jedi Knight: Who cares! Lets catch the bastard, he's on his bike!
JBond: This a job for Bond! <Bond proceeds to pull out a pen that has a propeller, he flies over everyone until he's right above Jar Jar. He turns off the propeller and tackles Jar Jar>
Superman: I've got to get me one of those!
Jedi Knight: You already have one, Bond gave it to you last Christmas.
Superman: Oh yeah...
The two heroes run up to a fallen Jar Jar and Bond.
Superman: Binks, I can't believe your back to running smack on the East Side! I thought when Lucas gave you a job you'd clean up!
Jar Jar: Ex-squeeze me?
Superman: I can't believe the f--ker just said "ex-squeeze me."
Jedi Knight: Talk Jar Jar! Where can I find Yoda!
While Jedi Knight proceeds to interrogate, Superman helps Bond up.
Superman: Dude that was a kick a$$ manuver back there!
JBond: All in a days work for Bond, I always keep this pen handy!
Superman: No I meant getting that freebie back there from Yoda's hoes.
JBond: All in a day's work for Bond.
Jedi Knight: He talked.
Superman: And...
Jedi Knight: Well not only is Yoda pimpin, but he's running smack on Jar Jar's territory. Seems that our buddy Binks wasn't too pleased and came to meet Yoda about interference.
JBond: Man all these Star Wars guys ain't right in the head, I mean look at Luke's pop and kissing his sister. I mean now I see where Angelina Jolie gets it from.
Jedi Knight: Funny. Anyways he said Yoda has a techno club on the West Side, its damn trendy and we may be able to find him.
Superman: Well then you guys ready for some clubbin'!
JBond: It's clobberin' time!
Jedi Knight: He said clubbin.'
JBond: I knew that...
JBond 10-18-2000 10:40 PM
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(I got this one, it's just too late right now, but I want to kill Jar-Jar! Ha ha ha!!!)
Jedi Knight 10-18-2000 10:53 PM
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Superman:
First off before I begin my part I have to say that was mad funny with the stuff you two wrote!
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Thanks. That was funny too www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif.
The three heroes walk right into the club. Flashing neon lights light up the entire immense room.
Jedi: I feel like I just stepped into a Joel Schumacher movie.
They walk over to a table where Yoda sits, women surrounding him.
Jedi: Yoda! I've found you, you stinking son of a tire!
Yoda: Back off punk. This is my territory. And if you don't leave, I'm gonna get my peeps to sabotage you and your friends!
Jedi: Why you stupid muppet!
Jedi jumps over the table and starts choking Yoda to death.
JBond: Uh, oh. Here come Yoda's bodyguards!
Superman: Jedi, we've gotta get out of here!
Superman pulls Jedi back onto his feet.
Jedi: I'm gonna kill you, you stupid Kermit The Frog rip off!
Yoda pulls out a lightsaber and hops over the table.
Yoda: Come get some!
Jedi pushes Superman out of the way and pulls a lightsaber from his pocket.
The two lightsabers strike. Jedi seems to be more agile than Yoda, who has gained some weight since Episode 1.
Jedi uses a Jedi mind trick to throw Yoda through the air and into a brick wall at the far side of the room.
Yoda slams against the wall and dies on impact.
But Yoda's bodyguards seize Jedi immiedately and kick him to the ground.
JBond: Hey morons!
JBond screams at the bodyguards and splashes them both in the face with a dry matrini *shaken, not stirred*.
Superman: We better get out of here quick!
The three heroes rush outside and run off.
JBond 10-19-2000 10:04 AM
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(Yes, All the stuff you guys have said has been really funny!!)
Jedi: Well, Yoda my Master, who thought me everything I know, has tragically died. He even thought me to pick up chicks when I was 7. *sniff*. Well, on the plus side, I got my lightsaber back!
Superman: Alright!! (Superman and Jedi slap hands)
Jar-Jar: Ex-squese me! Where are you-sa going!
JBond: None of your damn business, buzz off!
Jar-Jar: Ex-squese me, can me-sa come with?!
JBond: No you can't!! And if you say something in that stupid voice of yours again I'm going to put you in the same room as William Shatner!
(Jar-Jar Binks was never seen again, though it has been told that he was beaten to death my an angry mob carrying signs saying "Send Jar-Jar Binks, Far-Far away!" and some signs were more stright forward saying "Kill the Bastard".)
Jedi: Any-Hoo, I think...OH MY GOD, LOOK!
Superman: Oh for Christ sake, now what?!?
Is there...
A) A pissed Frank Oz with a machete
B) A pissed Trinity with an automatic
C) A pissed Steven Spielberg with a bill
D) A happy Star Trek crew with party hats and cake
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 10-19-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-19-2000 10:25 AM
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Jedi: I'll say...D.
JBond: Is that your final answer?
Jedi: Yes....
Superman 10-19-2000 04:32 PM
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Superman: Alright a party with food, I'm starved dudes. Lets go scarf some pizzas and hang 10 on some killer waves.
JBond: He's gotta stop watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Jedi Knight: Yeah well...
Trekkie 1: Hey are you Star Trek fans because this party is only restricted to fans of the Captain Kirk series and movies.
Superman: Uh yeah... That's us!
JBond: Man we have entered geek world.
Jedi Knight: Man the last time I entered geek world was at JBond's place this morning when he...
JBond: Hey!
Trekkie 1: Are you sure you guys are Trekkie fans <adjusts his glasses that are held by a piece of masking tape in the middle>
Superman: Sure we are!
Trekkie 2: Prove it!
Superman: How?
Trekkie 2: What was "Star Trek 2" about?
Superman: Oh I know, that's the one where whiny kid finds out his dad is some evil dictator and he gets his hand chopped off.
JBond: NO!
Jedi Knight: <looks down, closes eyes and shakes his head>
Superman: What? What'd I say?
JBond: You idiot that was Star Wars not Star Trek!
Superman: Ah I see, was there an evil emperor in that one too with an asthma problem.
Jedi Knight: No, and if you want to find out the difference between the two get ready for a battle. These nerds are about to take us down!
<The Tekkies advance towards our heroes ready to take them down, Jedi Knight pulls out his light saber and Bond pulls out his stun gun>
JBond: You suck Superman, you have no damn idea!
Superman: Hey its not as bad as the time Jedi Knight used salt instead of sugar for the cake we were making for John McCalne.
Jedi Knight: *snickers as he's getting ready to fight* Oh yeah, that was damn funny...
<The Trekkies advance in a group, a group of 5 charges Jedi Knight as he uses a mind trick to make them believe that there would be no special edition DVD's of any Star Trek movie>
<Meanwhile Bond uses his stun gun and caddle prod to fight off a group of 4, while Superman keeps pushing the faces of the Trekkies into the cake>
Superman: Cakes taste's good!
Jedi Knight: Hey save some of that for me <as he continues to fight>
JBond: Coming right up! <puts a piece of cake on the prod and launches it to Jedi Knight>
Jedi Knight: Thanks! <eats it as he cuts the belt of a very large Trekkie who loses his pants>
Superman: <continues to stuff the Trekkies face in cake> Next time you should bring some Kryptonite if you want to take me down!
All the sudden a rumble is heard and a shadow looms over our heroes in battle. Is it:
A). An alien spaceship again.
B). Marlon Brando
C). A revived Godzilla
D). Steven Segal currently in his lard incarnation.
Jedi Knight 10-19-2000 06:26 PM
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Its D; STEVEN SEGAL
Segal: I will force you all to watch Under Siege 2 and Executive Decision!
Jedi: I'd love to watch Executive Decision again. I love watching you die, Segal!
Segal: Why you little...!
Superman flies into the air and socks Segal straight in the face, smashing his nose.
JBond: We better get out of here quick! Here comes Godzilla!
Godzilla is seen storming through the streets, roaring angrily as he charges toward the three heroes.
Jedi holds up a STOP sign and Godzilla immiedately comes to a halt.
Jedi: Alright you stupid lizard. Your gonna have to pay for relieving yourself on my rental car!
Godzilla roars right in Jedi's face.
Jedi continues to stand there.
Jedi: Okay moron! Do you need a Tic Tac?!
JBond: Jedi, you idiot. You've ticked him off!
JBond 10-19-2000 07:15 PM
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Superman:
<The Trekkies advance in a group, a group of 5 charges Jedi Knight as he uses a mind trick to make them believe that there would be no special edition DVD's of any Star Trek movie>
<Meanwhile Bond uses his stun gun and caddle prod to fight off a group of 4, while Superman keeps pushing the faces of the Trekkies into the cake>
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LOL!!
Jedi Knight 10-19-2000 09:22 PM
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Quote:
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Originally posted by Superman:
Superman: Alright a party with food, I'm starved dudes. Lets go scarf some pizzas and hang 10 on some killer waves.
JBond: He's gotta stop watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Jedi Knight: Yeah well...
Trekkie 1: Hey are you Star Trek fans because this party is only restricted to fans of the Captain Kirk series and movies.
Superman: Uh yeah... That's us!
JBond: Man we have entered geek world.
Jedi Knight: Man the last time I entered geek world was at JBond's place this morning when he...
JBond: Hey!
Trekkie 1: Are you sure you guys are Trekkie fans <adjusts his glasses that are held by a piece of masking tape in the middle>
Superman: Sure we are!
Trekkie 2: Prove it!
Superman: How?
Trekkie 2: What was "Star Trek 2" about?
Superman: Oh I know, that's the one where whiny kid finds out his dad is some evil dictator and he gets his hand chopped off.
JBond: NO!
Jedi Knight: <looks down, closes eyes and shakes his head>
Superman: What? What'd I say?
JBond: You idiot that was Star Wars not Star Trek!
Superman: Ah I see, was there an evil emperor in that one too with an asthma problem.
Jedi Knight: No, and if you want to find out the difference between the two get ready for a battle. These nerds are about to take us down!
<The Tekkies advance towards our heroes ready to take them down, Jedi Knight pulls out his light saber and Bond pulls out his stun gun>
JBond: You suck Superman, you have no damn idea!
Superman: Hey its not as bad as the time Jedi Knight used salt instead of sugar for the cake we were making for John McCalne.
Jedi Knight: *snickers as he's getting ready to fight* Oh yeah, that was damn funny...
<The Trekkies advance in a group, a group of 5 charges Jedi Knight as he uses a mind trick to make them believe that there would be no special edition DVD's of any Star Trek movie>
<Meanwhile Bond uses his stun gun and caddle prod to fight off a group of 4, while Superman keeps pushing the faces of the Trekkies into the cake>
Superman: Cakes taste's good!
Jedi Knight: Hey save some of that for me <as he continues to fight>
JBond: Coming right up! <puts a piece of cake on the prod and launches it to Jedi Knight>
Jedi Knight: Thanks! <eats it as he cuts the belt of a very large Trekkie who loses his pants>
Superman: <continues to stuff the Trekkies face in cake> Next time you should bring some Kryptonite if you want to take me down!
All the sudden a rumble is heard and a shadow looms over our heroes in battle. Is it:
A). An alien spaceship again.
B). Marlon Brando
C). A revived Godzilla
D). Steven Segal currently in his lard incarnation.
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This is funny stuff! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
JBond 10-19-2000 09:40 PM
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Do you guys suppose anyone else is reading this? I've been running out of things to say.
Jedi Knight 10-19-2000 11:01 PM
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No. I think were the only ones who care about this thread. Lets keep it alive, my friends! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
I don't want anyone else talking in this thread, anyways.
Superman 10-20-2000 02:18 PM
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Lets keep it going! I don't care if anyone reads it or not, I haven't read something this funny and bizzare in a long time. Everytime I read this stuff I fall out of my chair from laughter! Its mad funny! Remember this is all taking place in one day, imagine what each day would be like!
A very mad Segal gets up from the punch that Superman gave him, Segal grins and stuns Superman with the film "The Patriot" (Segal version, not Gibson!)
Superman: AHHHHH!!! <Falls to the ground having severe seizures>
JBond: Oh crap turn away from the screen!
Jedi Knight: It's too late, we can't do anything for him right now. Its his fight...
Superman: Must stop... viewing of awful... film....
Segal: You will never defeat me, I am making a career come back to finish you off!!
Jedi Knight: Did he actually have a career?
JBond: Not that I know of, even Van Damme on the crapper with no toilet paper would be more entertaining.
Jedi Knight: Hey that was a good film! Remember he had diarrhea and no toilet paper and all he had was that brief case of money he had to deliever to the mob so he uses that to wipe his ass and now has to find a way to pay the ransom!
JBond: Man that action sequence in the stall rocked!!
Superman: If its not too much trouble can you guys toss me a mirror!?!
JBond: Uh yeah <tosses a mirror to Superman and continues to talk to Jedi Knight about the Van Damme movie>
Superman puts the mirror in front of Segal as he starts shaking and screaming from his own reflection.
Superman: Ha! Take that you bloated has-been!
Segal runs around cursing in a blind frenzy when he collapses!
JBond: Yo Superman, you okay?
Superman: <Struggles to get up> Yeah, that fight was worse and harder than fighting Doomsday!
Jedi Knight: Well ya gotta admit that "The Patriot" was a film that would make any normal human being go blind. I mean Segal as a doctor and that ending where the military comes in throwing flower peddles to cure the towns people <Shudders>, no Jedi mind trick would be strong enough to defeat that!
Superman: Yeah tell me about it, I'm at half energy right now. I'm about as strong as Bond which isn't that much!
JBond: Keep talking like that and I'll revive "The Patriot."
Superman: I'll be good!
Jedi Knight:We have another situation guys.
Superman: What?
Jedi Knight: Godzilla is still walking around taking a dump on rental cars!
JBond: You think he was sent out by a rival car rental corporation to take out the competition?
Superman: F--k I don't care, its smells too damn awful for any reson.
Jedi Knight: I could throw JBond again at Godzilla, or we could rearrange his limbs...
JBond: I'll rearrange your momma!
Jedi Knight: Not mommy....
Superman: Why don't we feed him some Japanese people, he likes eating those.
JBond: <shakes his head> How the hell did you even make it as the world's greatest hero?
Jedi Knight: Wait I have an idea...
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 10-20-2000).]
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 10-20-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-20-2000 05:52 PM
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Jedi:...We can force Godzilla to watch his own movie!
Both JBond and Superman shake their heads.
Jedi: What?!
JBond: Whatever, man.
Superman: Lets just give the stupid lizard some Tums and be done with this whole thing!
Jedi: Okey dokey...
Jedi pulls a bottle of Tums from his pocket and feeds them to the idiot lizard.
(Thats was a hilarious post btw, Superman) www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
RossBond 10-20-2000 07:01 PM
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Suddenly Agent Smith is there:
<While massageing JBonds head>
Agent Smith: I need to know the codes...within your mind is the key.
<Bond tries to shake him off>
JBond: What are you doing you megalomaniacal psycho!
<Agent Smith suddenly stops>
Agent Smith: Sorry re-occouring nightmare! Have you seen Morpheus?
<Superman is peeved>
Superman: Hey! Can't you see we're trying to kill Godzilla here?!?
<Agent Smith looks to his left>
Agent Smith: No problem.
<Agent Smith then makes like a hyperspastic kung-fu master- limbs all a blur as he pounds Godzilla. Then he pulls out a large handgun and blows hole through Godzillas head!>
JBond: Bravo! Bravo! He'll never get ahead in life.
JediKnight: Knock it off JBond you're starting to sound like Austin Powers!
<Austin Appears>
Austin: Yeah I'm totally shag-a-delic baby!!
Superman: Good God no! Someone kill him!
Jedi Knight 10-20-2000 07:19 PM
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Jedi pulls a lightsaber from his pocket and slices Austin in half.
Jedi: I'm da' man!
JBond: Oh, shut up!
Jedi: Your momma!
JBond: What about my momma?!
Superman: Shut up! We've got bigger problems...
Suddenly the three heroes sight Roseanne running through the street, roaring like an animal.
Roseanne: I'm gooonna eat ya!
Agent Smith: Ooooookaaaayyyyyy! Well, I'm outta here!
Agent Smith jets off.
JBond: Now what'll we do?
RossBond 10-20-2000 08:40 PM
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Morpheus: Have any of you seen Neo?
JBond: He died on page one.
Morpheus: I guess he wasn't the one after all.
Jedi Knight: I'm the one-
<Whips out his lightsaber and slices Morpheus>
Morpheus: There is no lightsaber.
Superman: Oh for the love of God-
JBond: Some kook was just here looking for you-
Morpheus: Really-
Jedi Knight: 6'1", short dark hair, funky sunglasses...long drawn out voice.
Morpheus: Agent Smith...
JBond: Yeah, he killed Godzilla! But i coulda done it better and with more style!
Superman: Hey...you have no skeleton!
Morpheus: Yes this is my residual self image-
JBond: This dude has a screw loose-
Jedi Knight 10-20-2000 08:50 PM
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Jedi: You can say that again...
JBond: Okay. This guy has a screw loose.
Jedi Knight 10-21-2000 12:46 PM
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Suddenly the three heroes spot something coming towards them again.
ITS MARLON BRANDO! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/eek.gif
JBond: How are we going to live through this?! Roseanne's trying to eat us, Brando's going to stomp us, blah, blah, blah,..
Superman punches JBond.
JBond: Thanks, I needed that.
Jedi: I suggest we run.
The three heroes start to run away from the monstrous forms of both Roseanne and Marlon Brando.
The two blobs of fat continue to run after them.
The three heroes arrive at a parking lot.
JBond: Lets steal a car!
Superman: You idiot, that is'nt the right thing to do.
JBond: Oh shut up, Mr. Goody-goody
Jedi: Calm down. I parked my car here anyways. Sheesh.
JBond: Oh crap! Here comes Roseanne and Brando!
Superman 10-21-2000 07:31 PM
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Superman: <looking around> Hey lets hail another cab, they have no regard for the law when it comes to driving.
Jedi Knight: Good idea <whistles for a cab>.
RossBond: <opens door and gets in>
Superman: Jedi Knight get your butt in there! Hey JBond, want to ride on the outside again?
JBond: Har har...
Superman: Okay listen I want you guys in the cab to create a distraction, I've got an idea on how to get rid of them. Meet me at Times Square!
Jedi Knight: No problem "O fearless leader."
Superman: Want me to show you a new spot to stick that lightsaber?
RossBond: Okay girls lets break it up and go with the plan!
Superman flies away to start his plan while the other three heroes are in the cab.
RossBond: Hey Mr. Cab Driver, feel free to drive on the sidewalk if you have to!
Jedi Knight: <looks out the back window> Man for some fat asses they can move like the wind. Speaking of wind it smells like someone just passed wind...
RossBond: Sorry, I had some tacos before I hooked up with you guys.
Jedi Knight: Mixed with the cabbie's pine tree air freshner it smells like some took a dump on the tree...
Superman gets ahead of the heroes and waits for them. The cab comes to a screeching halt and the force causes JBond to be thrown off the top of the cab and into a hot dog vendor and trash cans.
Superman: Ross, pay the cabbie! <as he helps him up> JBond, you could've sat in the back seat!
JBond: I was kinda getting used to riding on the outside.
Jedi Knight: You know you could get some serious brain damage if you continue that.
RossBond: I wouldn't worry, he already has enough brain damage.
JBond: Wouldn't talk jackass...
RossBond: What did you say?
JBond: Nothin'...
Jedi Knight: Okay what's the plan Stan?
JBond: Whose Stan?
RossBond: He meant Superman.
JBond: <to Superman> Your name is Stan? And all this time I've been calling you Superman and...
Jedi Knight: <stares at JBond in disbelief shaking head> No more riding on the cabs on the outside.
Superman: Well I got to the downtown bakery and picked up 100 dozen donuts, 10,000 pounds of fudge, 100,000 chocolate pies and a million pounds of brownies.
JBond: Dude this is no time to eat!
RossBond: Yeah he's right, shouldn't we take care of Brando and Roseanne first?
Jedi Knight: We've got time for a quick snack I suppose.
Superman: <shuts eyes and waits patiently> NO! Its for them, I'm gonna let them fight each other for it and in the process they may kill each other.
Jedi Knight: I really wanted some of that brownie....
Superman: I'll friggin' buy you some later!
Jedi Knight: Sheesh, what crawled up your tights this morning.
Superman: Well before I left, Lois and I were...
RossBond: Okay I've heard enough.
JBond: <watches as Brando and Roseanne appraoch them> Whoa, here we go!
Brando: <In Godfather voice> You make me an offer I can't refuse <as he appraoches the food>
Superman: Damn straight bro'
Roseanne: NOOOO!! Its mine, all mine!!
The heroes duck as the two duke it out in an all out battle that destroys buildings and city property. Then all is quiet.
Jedi Knight: It worked! Son-of-a-b*tch it worked!!
RossBond: Man the whole city is covered in fudge and chocolate!
JBond: That ain't fudge...
Jedi Knight: They took out nearly half the city!
Superman: Man I'd hate to be part of the city clean-up, whose going to pay for all thie?
All four heroes at once: Shatner!!
JBond: God bless that man.
RossBond: It just occurred to me that we could've offered the two of them a t.v. special or movie deal to stop them from destroying the city.
Jedi Knight: Yeah thanks for mentioning it now.
Superman: Well what's done is done. What'cha gonna do.
JBond: Well I know what I'm gonna do, I'm taken a well deserved sleep. Its been the craziest day!
Jedi Knight: Yeah, its actually time for "Wheel of Jedi," followed by "Jedi Jeopardy."
RossBond: I'm going to catch the Bond marathon on TBS.
Superman: Dammit!
JBond: What? More aliens!? Godzilla!? What?
Superman: Um this morning I told Lois I'd be back in a minute and its been 16 hours!
RossBond: Just tell her you got stuck in traffic.
Superman: Okay works for me!
Jedi Knight: Alrighty, I'll see you guys tomorrow!
Superman: Stay frosty guys!
JBond: What the hell does that mean?
Superman: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
The four heroes walk off on their way home after a long and crazy day knowing that all the problems they solved today could've been solved by less destructive methods with less damage and casualties.
The End?
At night, a familar sight, an incoherent phrase is heard...
Jedi Knight 10-21-2000 08:44 PM
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LOL! Superman!
The next day, all three heroes meet at the bar room once again.
JBond: Holy crap!
Superman: What?! What is it?!
All three heroes swing around. They sight Neo again!
Neo: You can't kill me! I'm...the..one!
Jedi: This guy is seriously beginning to get on my nerves. *Jedi pulls out a lightsaber*
Neo pulls out two machine guns from his trenchcoat and opens fire upon the heroes.
Jedi: Take cover!
Suddenly Dr. Evil, The Terminator, Bruce Cambell, Darva Conger, Richard Hatch, Eminem, and Vanilla Ice burst into the room!
All 7: Die! *They open fire*
JBond: Holy poo!
JBond 10-22-2000 10:16 AM
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-Neo starts to scratch his head, forgetting how he got there.
-Dr. Evil suddenly realizes he put on his Fat Bastard suit instead of Dr. Evil and falls through the floor.
-The Terminator all of the sudden thinks he is in the year 1900 because of the millennium bug and starts to plow corn.
-Eminem is killed by people who forgot what music sounds like.
-Vanilla Ice spontaneously freezes.
-Darva Conger falls "in love" with Richard Hatch. (think about it)
-And Bruce Cambell falls in love with him self.
Sumperman: Who could have seen that one coming!?
Jedi Knight: Oh come on! I did!...JBond! Get out of the corner. And stop sucking your Thumb!
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 10-22-2000).]
Superman 10-22-2000 07:54 PM
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Superman: Well I'll admit that Darva Conger has some nice hoo-hah's.
Jedi Knight: Yeah but she'll go out with you only if you marry her on the first night and dump you on your Honeymoon.
Superman: Kind of like what Bond does with the girls he shags.
JBond: <Stops sucking thumb> Hey, whatever works.
Jedi Knight: Speaking of Bond where is our buddy RossBond.
Superman: He went bar hopping last night and ended up in the West End with no pants and a tattoo on his forehead that said "Spanky."
JBond: Not again....
Jedi Knight: You know Vanilla Ice has been behind me doing his dance moves behind me for the past half-hour and asking for a dime every time he does it.
Superman: Man has to earn a living some how...
Jedi Knight: Hey <to Vanilla Ice> I'll pay you $20 to cut that out!
Superman: Make it $30, I'll chip in.
Vanilla Ice: Solid <takes the money and starts singing "Havin a Roni" when JBond backhands him>
JBond: B*tch.
Jedi Knight: Was that necessary?
Superman: Absolutely.
JBond: You know come to think of it how come we're in a bar first thing in the morning?
Superman: Starbucks banned us after Jedi Knight called them a "corporate whore" and tp'd the entire store.
Jedi Knight: *snickers*
Superman: Then the coffee shop kicked us out after Bond pretended to have a heart attack when he couldn't pay the bill.
JBond: I lost my wallet the night before when I was spying in Russia!
Superman: And we were banned from the donut place after I had to change as Superman in a phone booth that was occupied by a woman who didn't appreciate me doing that...
JBond: Okay just making sure.
Jedi Knight: Hey lets go play a game of pool.
Superman: Yeah I want some of JBond's money again.
JBond: Hey look "The Patriot" (Segal version) is playing on t.v.
Superman: AH!! <ducks under the table wrapping cape around himself sucking his thumb> I want my mommy!!
Jedi Knight: Hey he was kidding.
Superman: <Gets up dusting himself off> I knew that...
The three heroes walk towards the pool table when they are approached by three adversaries who want to challenge them to a game of pool. They are:
A. John Bobbit, Richard Hatch, and Kato.
B. James Cameron, Francis Ford Coppola, and Steven Speilberg.
C. Ronald McDonald, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit.
D. Darth Vader, Darth Maul, and Mr. Peanut.
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 10-22-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-22-2000 08:15 PM
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The answer is B!
(That was funny as heck, btw)
Venom2010 10-23-2000 09:08 PM
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(All of the sudden Venom2010 walks into the screen and see's James Cameron, Venom201 jumps acrosss the table and jump kicks Cameron in the face)
Venom2010:YOUR SCRIPT FOR SPIDERMAN SUCKS!
JamesCameron:But didn't you like The Terminator movies?
Venom2010: Good Point
(Venom2010 than turns around and decks Steven Speilberg across the face Jedi, JBond, and Superman join in the fun and start stomping on Steven)
Which WWF Superstar should join the Bar Room Brawl?
A) The NEW WWF Champion Kurt Angle
B) The Rock
C) The Game HHH
D) Stone Cold Steve Austin
Jedi Knight 10-23-2000 09:21 PM
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The Rock; that guy's funny!
The Rock jumps into the fight and starts beating the crap out of Venom.
The Rock: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK, IS COOKING?![/b]
Venom: Aaaaah!!
The Rock throws Venom across the room and into a stone wall.
Jedi: Thats gonna leave a mark!
JBond: He's going to feel that tomorrow!
Suddenly John Cusack bursts into the room.
Cusack: Excuse me.
Cusack taps The Rock on the shoulder.
The Rock: WHAT DO YOU WANT!?
Cusack: Well...
The Rock: IT DOES'NT MATTER WHAT YOU WANT!
Cusack pulls out a shot gun from his trenchcoat and blows The Rock away.
Cusack: You forget that I was a Professional Killer in Grosse Point Blank.
Cusack walks out of the bar with a beautiful women on each arm.
Jedi: How come the goofy looking guys get all the chicks?! Yoda was a lousy teacher at picking up women.
Superman: Holy Poo!
Jedi: What is it?!
Superman: Its...its......
Is it;
(A). Mike Tyson
(B). Jessica Alba in a bikini (please, someone choose this one!)
(C). A drunk Mr. Rogers
(D). A revived Barney The Purple Dinosaur
RossBond 10-23-2000 09:48 PM
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Hmmmm....Jessica Alba! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gifrool:
JBond 10-23-2000 10:04 PM
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B.
Alba: Oh shoot! It appears my bikini is slipping off, won't somebody help me?
Superman: Allow ME!
JBond: Oh lay off Superman! I saw her first!
Superman: Give me a break, JBond! You've slept with half of the women in the country! She's MINE!
(While JBond and Superman are fighting over her, Jedi approaches)
Does he say...
A. It looks like you could use some sun tan lotion, too!
B. JBond and Superman are married
C. Uhhhhh...Heh heh heh, I'm uh... allow me to...uh...Oh shoot!
D. Your place or mine?
Jedi Knight 10-24-2000 08:40 AM
________________________________________A!
Venom2010 10-24-2000 04:41 PM
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(When Jedi says it, Venom2010 slowly's get's up with a steel chair in his hand, and than jumps at Jedi with the Steel Chair knocking Jedi out)
Venom2010: Hey Alba WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS UP?
JessicaAlba: How Rude, who do you think you are?
Venom2010: umm Venom2010?
JessicaAlba: THAT'S IT! I AM GOING PULL DARK ANGEL ON YOUR ASS!
Venom2010:Oh ****
(Jessica Alba jumps high in the air and boots the piss out of Venom2010 and Jessica Alba leaves the building, Superman helps Venom2010 up to his feet)
Superman: You ok?
Venom: Oh **** Superman look behind you!
Who is it?
A) Pauly Shore
B) One of BARNABAS Casting list's
C) WCW Pro Wrestler Bill Goldberg
D) WWF Pro Wrestler Chyna
Superman 10-24-2000 04:47 PM
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Superman begins rubbing lotion on Jessica Alba when Mr. Peanut taps Superman on the shoulder.
Superman: What!?
Mr. Peanut: That's my woman!
Jessica Alba: I am not!
Mr. Peanut: You are now...
Superman: Hey back off....
Mr. Peanut: Hey you want some of this a$$hole!
Darth Vader: Hey Pete come on we don't want any trouble here.
Darth Maul: Yeah, these guys fighting here are starting to scare me.
Mr. Peanut: F--k, I don't leave until I get this girl.
Superman: <Pushes Mr. Peanut> Hey! You wanna end up like your pals in a bag on some airline?
Mr. Peanut: <Smashes a bottle on the side of the table to use as a weapon> You best be backin' off "Man of Steel."
Darth Vader: That's it, I'm outta here <Leaves the bar on a razor scooter with Darth Maul following>
Meanwhile JBond is squareing off with the Trix Rabbit.
JBond: You sadistic son-of-a-b*tch, you wanna piece of me!
Trix Rabbit: <Pulls out a switch blade> I'll hurt you so bad you'll be screaming for your mother!
While Jedi Knight has the difficult task of taking on Tony the Tiger.
Jedi Knight: <Pulls out his saber>
Tony the Tiger: Hey pal this ain't that kind of a bar!
Jedi Knight: Whoops, I sometimes get those sabers mixed up....
And Ross Bond and Venom are up against a sword wielding Ronald McDonald.
Ronald: I'll slice you up good and use your insides as a happy meal toy!
RossBond: Uh that's gross.
Venom: Yeah wouldn't that be kinda messy for the kids.
Ronald: We can figure something out in the marketing division!
Venom: Yeah but there isn't enough of me and my buddy here to use as a happy meal toy for the entire country.
RossBond: He's right...
Ronald: Shut up! I have this figured out!
RossBond: Whatever pal...
Superman and Mr. Peanut are ready to trade blows, Mr. Peanut dives in with his killer cry as he tries to dig the bottle in Superman's chest. Superman side steps and trips Mr. Peanut. An enraged Mr. Peanut picks up his cane and hits Superman, Superman throws him into the bar breaking bottles. Mr. Peanut gets up and gets ready to stab Superman when he moves and stabs Tony the Tiger by mistake.
Tony: That's just gggggrrrrrreat!
Mr. Peanut: Hey Tony I didn't mean to bro...
Tony: <Approaches Mr. Peanut and jumps on him mauling him>
Superman: <Standing over them> Man that can't be good for anyone.
Jedi Knight: Well at least it took care of my problem.
JBond and the Trix rabbit are trading extensive blows when JBond pulls out his cattle prod and poses like Darth Maul.
Trix Rabbit: Nice moves, but its been done! <Jumps at JBond>
JBond: Yeah, but where your going it won't matter anymore <JBond swings his cattle prod like a bat striking the rabbit unconscious>, silly rabbit. Trix are for Bond <Proceeds to eat a bowl of Trix>.
Venom: ...And think of the parents.
RossBond: Yeah I mean sales will go down because people aren't into the violence deal.
Venom: Plus you gotta think how much this will cost, I figure it'll be an easy $50 mil.
RossBond: Which means you'll have to cut back on your daily liquor and women....
Ronald McDonald: Shut up! I had rhis planned so perfectly <Falls down onto the floor into a fetal position crying>.
RossBond: Man some people can't handle the truth.
Venom: Tell me about it <Gives a swift kick to Ronald>, besides everyone knows Burger King is better!
RossBond: I thought Wendy's was...
Venom: Nah...
Superman: Well that's that!
JBond: Looks like The Rock is chillin at the pinball machine.
Jedi Knight: Alba left, figures. Can't blame the girl for that ass Mr. Peanut scaring her.
Vanilla Ice: Hey man, cool moves back there with the fighting! Cool as "Ice Ice Baby."
The three heroes look at one another and at the sametime they toss Vanilla Ice out of the bar window.
Superman: Now we're done!
JBond: It's not even 9am and we've already destroyed a place of business.
RossBond: Hey its like any other day.
Jedi Knight: Right "Spanky."
RossBond: Hey I said I was gonna take care of that!
All the sudden the three directors that had taken a beating from the heroes return with a script. An evil script, the three genius directors have come up with the cheesiest script, the lamest story and are using it against our heroes. What happens:
A. The heroes fall to the ground having severe seizures.
B. Give the directors the finger and leave.
C. Convince the directors to team up with them to stop production on a greater evil threat, "Battlefield Earth 2."
D. Tell the directors it can't be worse then any Van Damme or Segal movie.
Superman 10-24-2000 04:50 PM
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Ah crap! Venom and I posted sort of around the same time which kinda made things a little confusing.
RossBond 10-24-2000 05:20 PM
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I say we continue with Supermans storyline and Team up to Stop BattleFeild Earth 2!
Superman 10-24-2000 05:23 PM
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Well lets see what direction the other guys want to go in, heh somehow I figured "Battlefield Earth 2" would get picked over the other 3 choices. Its a real life evil that could happen...
Venom2010 10-24-2000 05:26 PM
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Seen how i posted it, let's carry on with Supes post.
JBond 10-24-2000 06:25 PM
________________________________________Battlefield Earth 2 must DIE!!!
Jedi Knight 10-24-2000 06:43 PM
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Yes, IT MUST!
Jedi pulls out his lightsaber and slices the three directors in half.
Jedi: Superman! Burn that script!
Superman fires a blast of his heat vision upon the script on the ground; it bursts into flames.
Superman: That was close, too close
Jedi: Hey! Where did Jessica Alba go?
Superman: She saw you and ran away.
Jedi: I'm going after her...
Jedi walks outside and looks around.
Superman (to Venom) Yeah, like he has a chance with Jessica Alba.
Suddenly Jedi spots a huge Tornado (and F5 to be exact) and runs back inside.
Jedi: Take cover again!
JBond 10-24-2000 07:12 PM
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JBond: A Tornado you say! This looks like a job for...Bond!
(Bond starts to shoot at the tornado with his PPK)
Jedi: Uhhh, what are you doing?
JBond: Shh! Not now! *Bang* *Bang*
Superman: Whatever. I got a better idea!
A. Superman destroys the Weather Center so a tornado could not possibly continue
B. Superman runs like a little school girl
C. Superman calls Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton over
D. Superman throws Shatner into the tornado, hoping that's in ample sacrifice
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 10-24-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-24-2000 07:24 PM
________________________________________
Definitely D! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
Venom2010 10-24-2000 07:24 PM
________________________________________
D!
[This message has been edited by Venom2010 (edited 10-24-2000).]
JBond 10-24-2000 07:36 PM
________________________________________
D it is!
(Shatner flys into the tornado)
Shatner: Khaaaaaan!! I mean Supermaaaaaan!!
Jedi: Well that's the end of him!
*ptoooee*
JBond: Oh my God! The tornado spit him back!
Superman: Well that just shows how much he is hated.
Jedi: Uh, guys! the tornado is still here! What do we do?
A. Jedi throws JBond into the tornado (you didn't read this, look to the next one)
B. Everyone leaves to Los Angles
C. JBond panics and starts to choke Jedi
D. Uhhhh, none of the above
RossBond 10-24-2000 07:37 PM
________________________________________
C...my vote is C! Does my vote even matter?
[This message has been edited by RossBond (edited 10-24-2000).]
Venom2010 10-24-2000 08:20 PM
________________________________________
Awlright C
(JBond starts choking Jedi ... Venom2010 kicks JBond off of Jedi)
Jedi: What was that for?
Venom2010: EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP! Awlright here is the plan you all take cover, while i go get Jessica Alba to see if she is ok. Awlright?
Superman: Ok, JBond and Jesi let's hide under pool table
(Venom2010 walks out of the Bar, and see's Jessica Alba crying in help. Venom2010 runs towars her)
Venom2010: LET'S GO INSIDE THE BAR!
JessicaAlba: Yes ... SEXY!
(Venom2010 and Jessica Alba walk in the bar room and start making out)
What should happen next?
A)Jedi attacks Venom2010
B) JBond, Jedi, Superman cry there eye's out
C) Venom2010 and Jessica Alba get married.
D) The Rock attacks Venom2010.
Superman 10-24-2000 08:36 PM
________________________________________
All of your posts were funny as hell!!
Okay lets go with "C."
Priest: Do you Venom take Jessica Alba to be your wife.
Venom: I do!!
Priest: Jessica Alba, do you take Venom as your husband.
Jessica Alba: I do!
Priest: I now pronounce you husband and wife!
Superman: Yo Venom snap out of it! <Snaps fingers in front of him>
Venom: Huh?
Superman: Dude I know this traumatic but snap out of it.
RossBond: Hey how come you grabbed Jedi and wanted him as your wife?
Jedi: <Stands in the corner of the room afraid to go near Venom>
Venom: Sorry I must've zoned out...
JBond: Hey I got an idea of how to defeat the Tornado!
Superman: How?
JBond: <Pulls out "The Patriot" (Segal version)>
Superman: Ahhhhh!! Falls to the floor having seizures while the other heroes giggle like school girls at Superman.
JBond: Man this stuff is more powerful then Kryptonite!
Superman: I want my mommy....
Jedi Knight: <Slaps Superman upside the head>
Superman: Uh yeah thanks.
JBond proceeds to throw the tape into the Tornado causing it to curse for five minutes straight and then stops.
RossBond: Have you ever heard a Tornado with such foul language!
Venom: Yeah back in '96, saw one just like it.
Jedi Knight: Can't blame it, hell if you saw the movie that would be your reaction too.
The heroes look outside relieved from stopping the Tornado, however a new threat starts to rise.
Superman: You hear that?
JBond: What?
Superman: That growling sound with a really bad smell.
Jedi: Sorry, I thought I was standing far enough.
Superman: No not that.
RossBond: Wait I hear it too...
Venom: Yeah its getting closer.
Superman: Oh ***** its....
A. The sequel for "Battlefield Earth" getting ready to be released.
B. Steven Segal's return.
C. Joel Schumacher attempting to direct every superhero movie he can.
D. RossBond is hungry and he gets moody when he's hungry.
RossBond 10-24-2000 08:40 PM
________________________________________D sounds strangley familiar!
Venom2010 10-24-2000 08:41 PM
________________________________________GO WITH C!
JBond 10-24-2000 08:49 PM
________________________________________
Quote:
________________________________________
Originally posted by Superman:
Priest: I now pronounce you husband and wife!
Superman: Yo Venom snap out of it! <Snaps fingers in front of him>
Venom: Huh?
Superman: Dude I know this traumatic but snap out of it.
RossBond: Hey how come you grabbed Jedi and wanted him as your wife?
Jedi: <Stands in the corner of the room afraid to go near Venom>
Venom: Sorry I must've zoned out...
________________________________________
That is really funny!!
Jedi Knight 10-24-2000 08:56 PM
________________________________________
This stuff is almost too funny, lets keep it coming. I love this!
Superman 10-25-2000 04:08 PM
________________________________________
Okay we'll go with "C" and "D."
Venom: Hey it looks like Schumacher is trying to buy the rights to every single superhero film!
JBond: Uh oh, RossBond doesn't look so good!
RossBond: <Starts foaming at the mouth from hunger>
Superman: This is it, this is armageddon!
Jedi Knight: Dude I haven't even gotten all my shots and if "spanky" there bites me then I'm b*tch slappin' him!
Superman: Okay let's regroup and split! JBond comes with me to take on Schumacher...
JBond: Noo!! I'm too young to wear giant rubber codpieces and nipples, I still have my life ahead of me!
Superman: <Slaps JBond> Get a hold of yourself man! We have to do this, Jedi Knight and Venom you keep RossBond under control.
Jedi Knight: Yes captain!
Superman: That's "sir" to you!
Jedi Knight proceeds to bring out his light saber and Venom gets ready to attack RossBond if necessary. Superman and JBond approach Joel Schumacher.
Superman: Hey you... <To JBond> Quick what's something tough I can say!
JBond: Beats me.
Superman: What the hell do you mean! Your Bond, you have the cool lines and charm to be bad ass.
JBond: Yeah but I've never been up against something like this.
Superman: Peachy...
JBond: Tell him he acts like a guy too much, you know he's a little you know...
Superman: Heh, yeah okay! Hey macho man over here!
Joel: <Turns around enraged>
Superman: Yeah I'm talking to you, why don't you come over here and try to direct my movie!
Joel: <Lunges at Superman with a blank sheet of paper and pen> I'll write you the campiest script and destroy your franchise!
Superman: NOOO!!!
JBond: Bastard <Tackles Joel>
Joel: While I'm at it I'll destroy the Bond franchise too!
JBond: Ahhhh!!
Both heroes fall to their knees as Joel gives a speech on how he'll destroy both franchises with a campy style. Meanwhile over at the bar where Venom and Jedi Knight stand guard against RossBond...
Jedi Knight: Hey man, I don't like how he's looking at me!
Venom: Maybe we can give him a snack until those guys finish so we can get some lunch.
Jedi Knight: Okay what do you have?
Venom: A pack of gum and my pen.
Jedi Knight: That'll do!
Venom: What? The pen too?
Jedi Knight: Yeah, he won't know the difference. He's too hungry. <Approaches a foaming RossBond and gives him the gum and pen> here!
Venom and Jedi Knight watch as RossBond eats the pen and gum, but the ink starts leaking all over his mouth.
Venom: Great now he's foaming in color.
Jedi Knight: Hey it makes all the more interesting...
RossBond: <Jumps and tackles Jedi>
Jedi Knight: Ahhh!! Psycho son-of-a-....
Venom: Whoa! <Jumps to pull off RossBond but is thrown back>
Jedi Knight: Get off of me you maniac!
RossBond: Rrrrgaahhh!!
Jedi Knight: <Takes his shoe off and puts it in RossBond's mouth> Chew on this chief!
Venom: <Gets up and puts a leash on RossBond tying him as he eats Jedi's shoe>
Jedi Knight: That is one hungry man!
Venom: Talk about putting your foot in your mouth.
Jedi Knight: Well technically it was my shoe and not mouth, and it was his mouth not mine.
Venom: Shut up, you know what I meant.
Jedi Knight: <Looking outside he see's the other two heroes in danger> Uh oh it doesn't look too good for them out there!
Venom: I got an idea on how to help!
Meanwhile back to Superman and JBond are holding their ears and on their knees from Schumacher's ideas.
Joel: And we'll put these cute little nipples on Bond's tuxedo, of course the tuxedo will be neon green with pink shoes...
JBond: You horrible bastard!
Joel: And for Superman we'll have a neon yellow and pink costume with short shorts instead of tights and a cape, no shirt but just shorts and knee high boots.
Superman: Arrrgghhh.... Can't take... anymore.
Venom: <To Jedi Knight> Okay unleash RossBond and since he's in a crazy mood he'll attack Joel.
Jedi Knight: Okay I like it! <Unleashes RossBond, but he attacks Jedi again instead>
Venom: Bang goes that theory...
Jedi Knight: You f--kin' moody ass, get off of me!
Venom: Hmmm... <Takes Jedi's other shoe off and throws it towards Joel. RossBond runs toward Joel where the shoe is and attacks him bringing him down>
Jedi Knight: It worked!
Venom: Of course it did.
Jedi Knight and Venom run towards the other two heroes to help them up.
Jedi Knight: You guys okay?
Superman: I want my mommy...
JBond: Horrible man, said horrible things. Where's my blanky...
Venom: <Slaps them both>
Superman: Uh yeah I'm cool.
JBond: <Looks around> Hey, you don't tell anyone what I just said.
Jedi Knight: Sure thing, hey want your blanky?
JBond: <Runs to punch Jedi Knight but Venom grabs him>
Venom: Easy fella, you had a lot taken out of you.
Jedi Knight: What are we going to do with Joel?
Superman: <Puts a muzzle around him and ties him up> I'm leaving him here with a muzzle and sending him to a mental institution via federal express.
JBond: Works for me.
RossBond gets up and is confused by the ink and gum all over him.
RossBond: What the hell happened?
Venom: Come on buddy, we'll tell you all about it over lunch. You've earned it for taking down Joel.
Jedi Knight: <Shoots a look at RossBond> Yeah and I have to buy a new pair of shoes. Those were imported Ewoks! Cost me $500!
Superman: Really, Watto would've charged you $175.
Jedi Knight: Ah ***** I can't go to him because I threatened to put his ass in the blender last week. Guess its not the best time to see him....
JBond: Hey where should we eat?
A. Wolfgang Puck's
B. Burger King
C. Wendy's
D. Red Lobster
Jedi Knight 10-25-2000 04:54 PM
________________________________________Wolfgang Puck's sounds good.
RossBond 10-25-2000 06:40 PM
________________________________________
God that was so funny....Just letting you guys write for me! Hahahaha!
Um Wolfgangs sounds great...I'm HUNGRY!
[This message has been edited by RossBond (edited 10-25-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-25-2000 06:41 PM
________________________________________
After having a great lunch the heroes walk back to the Bar Room.
As they step in they sight....William Shatner holding a gun to Jessica Alba's head!
Shatner: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jedi: I hate this guy...
Jedi pulls out his lightsaber and challenges Shatner to a duel.
Shatner: Your on!
Shatner throws Jessica aside and pulls out his own lightsaber.
Superman: I'm thirsty. Anyone for a drink?
The other heroes take a seat at the Bar counter.
Superman: My money's on Jedi. Anyone for a bet?
The lightsabers strike together.
Shatner: You are weak in the force, Jedi!
Shatner pushes Jedi back.
Shatner: Qui Gon never told you about your father.
Jedi: He told me enough. He told me he had a seizure while watching one of your movies!
Shatner: No, Jedi...I am your father.
Jedi falls to his knees.
Jedi: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Shatner seizes this opportunity and goes in to strike Jedi in half. But Jedi quickly reacts and kicks Shatner in the face.
Shatner recovers.
Shatner: Join the dark side, Jedi. Be in one of my movies! Advertise for Priceline.com!
Jedi: Never!
Jedi cuts off Shatner's mechanical hand.
Jedi: I will never join the dark side.
Jedi punches Shatner's lights out.
Superman: (to JBond) Okay, where's my twenty bucks?
Superman 10-25-2000 08:44 PM
________________________________________
That was damn funny!
JBond: <Gives Superman $20> Well there goes my night with the hookers... I mean Church Bingo!
Jedi Knight: <Walks to the bar in a cold sweat> That was a close one!
Superman: You okay pal?
Jedi Knight: Yeah...
Superman: Drinks on me!
RossBond: <Pours the drinks on Superman>
Superman: Hey!! I didn't mean it like that!
RossBond: My bad...
Meanwhile Venom is playing darts, and people are casually stepping over an unconscious Shatner.
JBond: You think he'll be back for more.
Superman: <Eating pretzels> I'm countin' on it.
RossBond: <Joins Venom in darts>
The heroes hang around the bar when Wolfgang Puck runs into the bar.
Wolfgang: Where are the four retards that came in my restaurant today!
RossBond: <Raises hand> That would be us retards!
Venom: <Slaps RossBond's hand down>
Wolfgang: You, came into my place of business and paid for my meals in monopoly money!!
The heroes look at Superman.
Superman: What? Okay so I was a little low on cash, so sue me. That money is just as good during the game when your short on cash!
Jedi Knight: <Looks at Superman shaking his head> What the hell is wrong with you?
Venom: My first impression is everything is wrong with him <As he plays darts>
RossBond: I thought the superheroes union covered you.
Superman: They do, but I get paid tomorrow.
RossBond: Oh...
Jedi Knight: Well we apologize Mr. Suck but we'll be glad to pay you in real cash!
JBond: He called him Mr. Suck, its over...
Jedi Knight: Whoops I didn't mean that!
Wolfgang Puck takes his shirt off and starts wielding nunchuacks.
Superman: Place your bets guys, I got Wolfgang.
JBond: I got Wolfgang!
Venom: <Playing darts> Put me down for Mr. Puck.
RossBond: I got Shatner! <The heroes look at him>
Superman: Uh he's down and out.
RossBond: Yeah well what the hey!
Jedi Knight: I bet on Puck too! <All three heroes look at him> Well you never know!
Jedi Knight: Okay you midget psycho, I've had a bad day. First some rabid freak attacks me and eats my $500 Ewok import shoes...
RossBond: Hey there was a good explaination for that! <Starts eating another shoe>
JBond: What's your explaination now?
RossBond: <Looks around> Uh, well the taste kind of hooks you <Hands JBond a shoe>.
JBond: Uh no thanks, had a big lunch...
Superman: I'll take it! <Starts eating the shoe> Mmmm... Not bad!
Venom: For the love of God and all that's holy...
Wolfgang begins to hit Jedi Knight as he dodges some of Wolfgang's hits. Wolfgang moves in and does a cartwheel kick followed by a roundhouse.
Superman: <As he eats the shoe> Wow he's doing a real number on him.
Venom: I think that's why we all bet on Puck, except for Ross!!
RossBond: <As he finishes the shoe> I stand by my bet!
Jedi finally gets a hit on Puck as he knocks his nunchucks away, Wolfgang pulls out a cream puff bomb and throws it in Jedi's face causing his sight to be severly altered.
RossBond: Wow I gotta say I didn't see that one coming.
Venom: I was expecting the pie in the face routine but I like this better!
A partially blind Jedi starts attacking the dart board where Venom was playing.
Venom: Ah geez come on, not on my game...
JBond: Should we let him know he's fighting a dart board?
Superman: Nah, this is more fun and interesting to watch.
Puck taps Jedi on the shoulder and takes a swing, but Jedi ducks and removes an egg roll stun prod and uses it against Wolfgang.
Jedi Knight: <To Puck> How do you like how that ***** works!
RossBond: I gotta say I liked that, perfect form and smooth motion.
JBond: Yeah, perfect 10.
Superman: Perfect 10 for me too.
Venom: 9.5 <The heroes look at him> Minus .5 because he ruined my dart game!
Wolfgang proceeds to attack with his electric pasta net causing Jedi to fall. As Wolfgang proceeds to finish Jedi off Shatner bites Wolfgang's ankles.
Wolfgang: Ahhhh! You nerd-God!!!
Superman: F--k, I didn't see that one coming!
JBond: No way that just happened!
Venom: That was way cool!
RossBond: Told ya so.
Shatner proceeds to bite Wolfgang's ankles until he falls and starts crying and runs out of the bar with his face in his hands.
Venom: <Helps Jedi up> You okay bud?
Jedi Knight: Yeah, never doubt the power of a Jedi.
Venom: Is that why you bet against yourself?
Jedi Knight: Uh that was in the heat of the moment so uh... Hey look a birdie!
The three heroes turn around to look for the bird while Jedi runs to the bathroom to wash up and confuse our heroes.
Superman: Where's the birdie?!
JBond: Hey I think I see him there! <Throws a rock behind the pool table hitting someone> Whoops.
Venom: Hey you might scare the bird away!
RossBond: Um I don't mean to interrupt your retarded expedition for an imaginary bird, but you guys owe me some money.
JBond: Oh <Looks around with Venom and realizes there is no bird and both give Ross the money from the bet>
Superman: Here birdie birdie birdie!
JBond: Uh there is no bird.
Superman: Yeah okay I know that line from the "Matrix" that "There is no spoon."
JBond: No there really isn't one here.
Superman: <Gets up from the floor where he was crawling and composes himself> Right I knew that <Hands Ross the bet money>
The heroes step outside the bar when they notice something suspicious, is it:
A. Dennis Rodman dressed as a man
B. Regis Philbin performing rap songs and breakdancing
C. Jerry Springer doing a show with class
D. Kathie Lee Gifford with a Grammy award for "best female performer."
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 10-25-2000).]
JBond 10-25-2000 09:18 PM
________________________________________
C
Springer: Yes, I know, let it all out.
Guest: i'm sooo saaaaaad!!
JBond: I've always been disgusted by Jerry Springer, but somehow this is just wrong! I can't STAND IT!
Jedi: Have no fear! I'll save it!
(Jedi picks up a chair)
Jedi: Stop ******* sniffling you ****** ****, I ******* hate it when ****** ******* cry!!!! Jedi then slams the chair into the guest.
Crowd: Jedi! Jedi! Jedi!
Superman: Let's make it interesting!
(Superman passes guns to half of the people in the crowd)
Superman: That's more like it!
Then something AMAZING happens!
A. Someone accidently shoots Shatner and he FINALLY dies
B. Earth falls into a black hole
C. JBond goes to celebacy
D. Natalie Portman, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Mandy Moore come out of a building wearing only bath towels.
Superman 10-25-2000 10:14 PM
________________________________________
"C"
JBond: Wait I have something to say. After years of sleeping with countless women...
RossBond: Show off...
JBond: I have decided to turn to celebacy.
Crowd: They all cheer and stand for JBond.
Superman: BOOO!!
Venom: <Looks at Superman>
Superman: What, freedom of speech man!
Jerry: Now what caused you to make this decision, I mean was it a woman that changed you...
Jedi Knight: Or V.D.
Crowd: <Boo's Jedi>
Jedi Knight: F--k all of you! <Gives the crowd both fingers>
RossBond: I don't like where this is going, it can't be good for our public image.
Venom: Like we ever had one, especially after Superman paid our restaraunt bill in monopoly money!
Superman: Hey at least it wasn't in chocolate gold coins....
RossBond: Yeah like last time.
Jerry: Now Mr. Bond, how do you think the public will view you now. Why did you do this?
JBond: Well Jer, can I call you Jer?
Jerry: Sure you can son.
JBond: Don't call me son. Well the truth is for years I wanted to be on your show, and now that I am I've always wanted to say something.
Jerry: And what's that?
JBond: I should host this show!! <Grabs the microphone and rips his shirt off> Hey Mandy, Natalie and Sarah!! Come on out and get some!! <On his chest JBond has "Playa Foeva" written on his chest. The crowd starts to boo and cheer at the same time as they begin to fight>
Venom: Hey Supes, you gonna do anything?
Superman: Hell yeah, I'm Superman! <Runs up to Jerry and drop kicks him and throws a chair in the crowd>
Venom: Not what I had in mind...
RossBond: If ya can't beat 'em, join them <Grabs Jerry in a headlock and gives him a noogie>
Jedi Knight: <Jumps into the crowd and starts to crowd surf> WHOOHOO!!
JBond: <Still without his shirt and yelling into the microphone> Where are you fine pieces of ass!! Come on out!!
Superman: <Elbows security guards>
RossBond: <Fighting an old lady who is hitting him with her purse> Ah! Someone help!
Jedi Knight: <Throws JBond at the old woman>
JBond: Hey! Ow!
Jedi Knight: Riot cops! Lets get the hell out of here guys!
A. The heroes escape
B. Before they escape they run up to Regis and push him over
C. Blame everything on Shatner when the cops ask who started it
D. Kick the cops in the shins and run
Jedi Knight 10-25-2000 10:14 PM
________________________________________
D!
Jedi: Well, hello!
Jedi walks over to Natalie, Mandy, and Sarah and starts throwing out some terrible pick-up lines.
Jedi walks off the stage afterwards, the three women on his arms.
Superman: (to RossBond) Chicks dig the force for some reason.
Jedi comes back a few hours later.
Superman: Your too lucky, man.
Jedi: Chicks dig the force! What can I say!
Suddenly Shatner bursts into the room.
Shatner: You shall all die!
Jedi Knight 10-25-2000 10:15 PM
________________________________________
Man, me and Superman posted at exactly the same time!
Superman 10-25-2000 10:17 PM
________________________________________
Hahaha! We did! We can still continue from your story though, it can be a post riot thing before the cops arrive.
Jedi Knight 10-25-2000 10:19 PM
________________________________________
Okay www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
That post was HILARIOUS, btw. All of these posts on this thread have.
Jedi Knight 10-25-2000 10:40 PM
________________________________________
Continuing onward from my post...
Superman: Geez! Can this guy ever die?!
Jedi: He will now..
Jedi jumps down from the stage and slams Shatner in the face.
Shatner quickly recovers and charges at Jedi.
Jedi jumps out of the way and throws Shatner against a wall.
Jedi: Your really annoying me, Shatner!
Shatner kicks Jedi backwards.
Shatner pulls out a sword and starts showing off some kung fu moves.
Shatner swings the sword and slices the air.
Jedi: (yawning) Your boring me.
Shatner charges at Jedi with the sword.
Shatner: (as he charges) KHANNNNN!!!
Jedi steps out of the way and Shatner slams headfirst into the brick wall behind him.
Jedi: (dusting off his hands) Well, that was fun. Now I'm going backstage again www.comingsoon.net/ubb/wink.gif
JBond 10-25-2000 10:48 PM
________________________________________
Wow! I never thought Shatner would be such a hit! And to think the first post with him in it, he got hit by a chair that missed someone else. Ahhhh, memories!
Jedi Knight 10-25-2000 10:55 PM
________________________________________
We just love to hate Shatner www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
RossBond 10-26-2000 01:08 AM
________________________________________
So what's next?
A: The Staypuff marshmallow man from Ghostbusters attacks?
B: A massive volcano attempts to swallow our heros?
C: 006 comes back to life and whups JBonds ass?
or
D: Something you guys come up with!
RossBond
JBond 10-26-2000 09:38 AM
________________________________________
I got an idea, maybe we should start over with a new plot. Same characters and we can keep some of the extras like Neo, Shatner, and Jessica Alba. www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
RossBond 10-26-2000 12:40 PM
________________________________________
What JBond afraid of getting your ass whupped by 006!
No seriously I don't mind...maybe I'll get to be a little wacks sometimes!
Superman 10-26-2000 03:51 PM
________________________________________
As the rioters from the Springer show are disperesed and Shatner is taken away by authorites the heroes finally get ready to end their day. Until Natalie Portman's, Sarah Michelle Geller's, and Mandy Moore's father arrive.
Natalie Portman: <Points at Jedi Knight> That's the creep that was following us around for hours trying to get our numbers!!
RossBond: Hey Jedi I thought you said you slept with all of them?
Jedi Knight: Okay so I exaggerated! <All the heroes look at him and step back as the father's approach Jedi Knight> Oh crap! <Jedi looks around and finally has an idea> Hey Mr. Portman, Mr. Geller, and Mr. Moore look a birdie!
The three fathers: Oh where!! <They all look around while the heroes run away including a shirtless JBond>
Superman: So much for the "Jedi mind trick."
Jedi Knight: Worked on you...
Superman: I thought we weren't going to discuss that incident...
<The heroes finally stop running and rest against a building>
JBond: Why the hell were you running when you can fly Superman?
Superman: Beats me...
Venom: Look lets all go home and hook up tomorrow.
RossBond: I'll get a cab! <Starts whistling for a cab>
Jedi Knight: So what's up for tomorrow?
Superman: Well its Saturday so we got all day...
RossBond: F--k I can't get a cab!! <A frustrated RossBond throws his shoe and the cab stops>
Cab driver: Which one of ya d*cks did that!?
RossBond: <Hides behind the heroes>
Venom: <Points at RossBond>
Cab Driver: C'mere squirt <Approaches RossBond when JBond grabs a trash can and puts it over the cab driver>
JBond: Lets get out of here!!
Venom: Hold up <Starts banging on the trash can like a drummer> Hey look I'm a rock star!
RossBond: I want a turn!!
JBond: <Shakes his head> No morons its a distraction, lets go before someone see's us!!
Superman: Fine fine, take all the fun out of it... <The heroes run away and finally hail a cab, JBond as usual sits on the outside>
The next day in McDonalds.
Jedi Knight: You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France?
RossBond: What?
Jedi Knight: Hamburger with cheese!
Venom: <Slaps Jedi upside the head>
Jedi Knight: What the hell was that for!?
Venom: Because that's the 5th time you've said that this morning and its annoying me!!
Superman: Hey here comes JBond!
RossBond: Where?
Superman: He's sitting on the outside of the cab. <The cab comes to a halt and the force of it causes JBond to be thrown through the doors> Nice entrance.
JBond: <Gets up and dusts himself off> Mornin'
Jedi Knight: You know riding on the outside of the cab like that ain't normal.
RossBond: Then again he ain't exactly normal!
JBond: Shut it you Bond wannabe!
RossBond: I'm not a Bond wannabe!
JBond: Are too!
Jedi Knight: R2? Where, I don't see R2-D2. <Starts walking around looking for R2-D2>
Superman: Should we tell him...
Venom: No, let him go. I want to see how long it takes him to figure it out.
RossBond and JBond finally stop arguing. That's when the electricity goes out and a bang is heard outside.
JBond: Its not even 8am yet!
Superman: Actually it is, your watch is just a little behind.
JBond: Oh...
RossBond: Oh crap! I don't believe it, its:
A. The Nutcracker Prince
B. Darth Vader fell off his Razor scooter
C. MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice are trying to revive their careers by performing outside
D. Ross Perot is trying to run for president again
Venom2010 10-26-2000 04:24 PM
________________________________________
C!
[This message has been edited by Venom2010 (edited 10-26-2000).]
RossBond 10-26-2000 06:18 PM
________________________________________I agree with Venom C!
Jedi Knight 10-26-2000 06:57 PM
________________________________________
C it is!
Hammer: (rapping) Do the hammer....
Vanilla Ice www.comingsoon.net/ubb/frown.giftrying to rap) I got no money because my honeys ditched on me...
The riot crowd goes into a frenzy after listening to their performance and charges at both of them like raging bulls.
Vanilla: Yo lets get outta here!
Hammer: Were gonna get hammered!
The crowd slams into the both of them and they plummet to the groud.
Jedi: Ouch.
Jedi Knight 10-26-2000 08:36 PM
________________________________________
Superman: We better get back to the Bar room. We have a whole two days to spare.
The heroes run back into the Bar and sight Jessica Alba in a bikini, sitting on the bar counter.
Superman: <faints>
Jedi quickly charges at her, ready to lay on the bad pick up lines.
JBond: Oh no you don't!
JBond trips Jedi and walks over to Jessica.
JBond straightens his tie and takes a seat next to Alba.
JBond: So, you come here often?
Venom: (to Rossbond) I want a drink. You got a dollar?
Rossbond: We just came from breakfast, how can you be thirsty?!
Venom: Just give me the dollar.
Ross: Okay I will. Keep your shirt on!
Ross gives Venom the dollar and Venom walks off.
But suddenly NSYNC bursts into the room!
Jedi: Kill them!
All of the heroes (except Superman) charge at the wussies.
JBond pulls a gun from his jacket and blows them all away.
Jedi: Hey! I wanted to kill them!
The other heroes walk back to their original places, greatly disappointed they could'nt have kicked the crap out of the annoying pop stars.
JBond: <taking his seat next to Jessica again> Anyways, where were we?
Superman gets up off the ground and walks over to Jedi.
Superman: What happened? Did I pass out or something? It must have been all that rubber meat I had at MCDonalds.
Jedi: Nah. You just passed out after you saw Jessica Alba in a bikini again.
Superman: Oh yeah...<looks back over at Jessica and passes out again>
Jedi: <shakes his head>
Then William Shatner bursts into the room again and grabs Jessica Alba!
JBond: Let her go you fat buffoon!
Shatner: Never!
Shatner gets into an elevator and goes up to the roof.
As the elevator doors close Shatner exclaims;
Shatner: You'll never save her Jedi! <laughs like a maniac>
Jedi: You guys stay here and go get me some lunch; I'm hungry. I'll save Alba and kill Shatner.
JBond: <yawns>
Shatner gets to the top of the roof.
Shatner: (to Jessica) I'm going to force you to watch all my movies and listen to all my albums....AT THE SAME TIME!
Jessica: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Shatner: Geez, your voice is worse than mine!
Suddenly Jedi jumps in front of Shatner and kicks him in the face.
Jedi: Your weak Shatner!
Shatner: <stumbles up; still having a grip on Jessica> Your going to pay for that!
Shatner once again charges at Jedi.
Shatner: KHAAAAANNNN!!!!
Jedi: <rubs the sides of his head; beginning get a headache>
Shatner swings around and throws Jessica aside.
Shatner: Join the dark side, my son.
Jedi: Never!
Jedi pulls out a lightsaber.
As does Shatner.
The lightsabers strike together. Sparks fly.
Shatner: I sense....anger.
Jedi: No kidding moron!
Jedi slices the air with his lightsaber.
Shatner kicks Jedi back onto a ledge below.
Shatner jumps down to the ledge to continue the fight.
Shatner: Get up!
Jedi stumbles onto his feet.
Shatner: Join the cast of my new movie 'The Big Monster that ate this big town with a bunch of poeple in it that had a headache!'
Jedi: NO!
Both lightsabers strike.
Shatner: Join the dark side or I'll sing, I swear!
Jedi: Please no!
Shatner: Alright, thats it!
Shatner breaks into song again.
Shatner: "She's a super freak, super freak...!"
Jedi: <covers his ears> NOOOO!!!
Shatner: <pauses> Do you give up?
Jedi falls to the ground; losing his strength in the force.
Jedi: Never.
Shatner: Alright then...<breaks back into song>
Jedi feels the force leaving him by the second. He has to do something; he has to stop him.
Jedi: Father! Please!
Shatner continues to sing.
Shatner then fires lightning bolts from his finger tips and shoots them at Jedi.
Jedi screams as the lightning strikes him.
Shatner: HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Jedi uses the last bit of the force he has and pulls his lightsaber towards his hands.
The lightsaber flies back into Jedi's palm and Jedi cuts Shatner in half.
Jedi kicks Shatner off the ledge and into a dark abyss below.
Jedi: <stumbles to his feet> My head hurts.
Superman 10-27-2000 04:25 PM
________________________________________
Superman: <Runs up to Jedi> Hey man you okay!!
Jedi Knight: Yeah, I think I got him but the fight drained me.
RossBond: My question is didn't anybody notice that it was strange that a small bar like this had an elevator?
Venom: I was too drunk to notice.
JBond: I saw it, but then again I see a lot of strange things.
Superman: Yeah like a woman with her clothes on.
JBond: Shut up jackass...
Superman: What did you just call me!
JBond: Nothin!
RossBond: I hate to be the bearer of bad news...
Venom: Then why are you?
RossBond: But there are now 2 Shatners after Jedi split the original.
JBond: Nice work pal.
Jedi Knight: Crap! Now we're in for twice the trouble!
Superman: You know I've been doing some thinking...
RossBond: Which is very rare in your case.
Superman: Hey don't make me show everyone those pictures of you during New Years with that bottle of rum and the pinata!
RossBond: I'll be good!
Superman: Anyways with all the trouble we've been having why not start our own superhero agency!
Jedi Knight: Yeah that would be cool, but aren't you already part of the JLA.
Superman: I can do both.
Venom: Good idea, but where are we going to be stationed? I mean with all the damages we cause and Superman paying everything in monopoly money we can't afford a place.
JBond: That's where I come in! See my parents still have my old tree house from when I was a kid, we could use that.
Vanilla Ice: Solid! I like the sound of that!
Superman: <To Vanilla Ice> Look a fan!
Vanillai: Where?! It's the first I have in almost 10 years! <Runs off>
RossBond: Okay I like the sound of the tree house thing, no villain would suspect us there!
JBond: Well lets get going.
The heroes arrive to the home of JBond's parents, they go to a backyard where the tree house still stands with a sign that says "Only Girls Allowed- XXX."
Venom: Why am I not surprised that you were a horny kid Bond.
RossBond: Well I was always a ladies man...
Venom: I meant the other Bond.
JBond: Hey what can I say, its natural charm!
Jedi Knight: Natural charm, right like when you sit on top of a car and get thrown into things or have your limbs rearranged.
JBond: Shut up.
The heroes all climb into the tree house and clean it up a bit. Inside there is a desk made out of a cardboard box covered with Disney and Pokemon stickers. There is a couch for the clients to sit and instead of magazines for them to read its comic books or the Berinstein Bears.
Jedi Knight: This is a sweet set up!
JBond: Told you so.
Venom: <As he's rearranging some furniture> Hey Ross could you move back a little.
RossBond: Sure thing <Takes a step back but doesn't realize that there is no door from the entrance, he loses his balance and falls out of the tree house. The heroes run and look down at him>
Venom: You suppose that hurt?
Jedi Knight: <Casually nods>
Mrs. Bond: I brought you boys some homemade cookies and milk.
Superman: Thanks Mrs. B, I never had homemade milk!
Jedi Knight: She meant the cookies were homemade "Ass of Steel."
Superman: Whoa, did you just compliment my ass!
Jedi Knight: I meant ass as in jackass.
The heroes help Ross up and go back up into their new headquarters.
Venom: Hey we can't have clients climbing up the ladder, we've got to get them up some how.
JBond: How about a pulley with some rope, and some wood so that we can pull them up.
Superman: Sounds good to me!
Jedi Knight: Well I think we're in business, we only need to get ourselves some business cards with our team name.
RossBond: Speaking of which, what are we called?
A. Anti-Shatners
B. Superman and the other guys
C. Fantastic Four
D. The Cool Heroes
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 10-27-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-27-2000 05:19 PM
________________________________________I'll say D!
JBond 10-27-2000 05:53 PM
________________________________________Bond is an orphan, oh well.
Venom2010 10-27-2000 06:01 PM
________________________________________I want C
RossBond 10-27-2000 07:52 PM
________________________________________I say C....let's get sued! J/K!
Jedi Knight 10-27-2000 10:38 PM
________________________________________
Oh fine then. C it is.
Jedi: That name sucks!
Venom: <slaps Jedi upside the head>
Jedi: Thats getting really annoying!
Venom: So are you.
Jedi: Why you...<Jedi throws Venom out of the Tree House>
JBond: Ouch. Cleanup on Aisle six please! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
Superman: <slaps JBond upside the head> Idiot.
JBond: Hey! <punches Superman in the face>
RossBond: Fight! <JBond and Superman turn around to look at him and punch his lights out simultaneously>
JBond throws Superman out of a window and jumps down to continue the fight.
JBond: <picks up a shovel and strikes Superman with it>
JBond: How do ya' like that, Steel head!
Superman: Son of a...<Superman gets up and kicks JBond across the backyard>
Jedi: <Puncesh Venom's lights out> A-HA!
Venom: <staggering to his feet> Your mother wears combat boots!
Jedi: <punches Venom again> Never insult my Mom www.comingsoon.net/ubb/wink.gif
Venom: <falls to the ground, KO'ed>
Suddenly the two William Shatner's burst through the gate and into the backyard.
Jedi: Uh, oh!
Superman: Crap!
Two William Shatners: "Girls just want to have fun...!"
Superman: AAAAAHHH! My ears!
Jedi: <pulls out two lightsabers> Dodge this, Shatner!
Jedi throws the two lightsabers and they slam into the two William Shatners.
JBond 10-27-2000 11:13 PM
________________________________________
(You set me up Jedi!)
And create FOUR SHATNERS!!!!
The Shatners than create a Barber Shop Quartet.
Shatner1:Goodbye
Shatner2:Goodbye!
Shatner3:GOODBYE!!
Shatner4:GOODBYE!!!!
All Shatners: Goodbye by baby, goodbye my...
JBond: Good one, Jedi! You think you would have learned by now!!
What happens next!?!
A. Jedi gets a brilliant idea and throws four lightsabers at the Shatner Quartet
B. The rest ban Jedi from their secret clubhouse
C. The Shatners start to corner the group while singing Henry the 8th
D. Aliens come to take the Shatners to their home planet
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 10-28-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-27-2000 11:21 PM
________________________________________
A! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
JBond 10-27-2000 11:23 PM
________________________________________You sure about that?
Jedi Knight 10-27-2000 11:32 PM
________________________________________Yes, thats my final answer!
Venom2010 10-28-2000 12:26 AM
________________________________________
(All of the sudden Jedi grabs 4 lightsabers and throws all of the 4 Shatner's)
Jedi: There that slove's are problem.
(Venom2010 punches Jedi in the face)
Jedi: Ouch what was that for?
Venom2010: You know i am Canadian!
Jedi: Yeah so ...?
Venom2010: WILLIAM SHATNER IS CANADIAN!
Jedi:Oh sorry ... wait a munite isn't Keanu Reeve's Canadian? HAHA YOU CANADIANS CAN'T ACT FOR HORSE ****!
(Venom2010 kicks Jedi in the gut and throws him against the wall)
Superman(Whisper's to JBond):Looks like Venom2010 can't handle the truth.
Venom2010: I HEARD THAT!
(All of the sudden Wolverine burst in the door)
Venom2010: Ah-ha! There's a fellow Canadian. Screw you guys, i am talking to Wolverine
JBond: Be careful Venom.
Venom2010: Why? Why would Logan hurt a fella canadian
(Venom2010 goes sits near Wolverine, and Wolverine punches Venom2010 accross the room)
JBond: SEE I TOLD YOU, but no, noone listen's to me, i am just a...
Superman: Stop your *****ing JBond, Venom2010 is really hurt.
(Rossbond goes up to Venom2010 to check his pulse)
Rossbond: Guys ... i think Venom2010 is dead.
JBond&Superman: OH NO!!!!!!
(Jedi gets up and goes up to Superman)
Jedi: What happen guys? I was knocked out.
Superman:Well Wolverine punched Venom2010
RossBond:and he's dead
Jedi: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR MESSING WITH ME
(Jedi goes to Venom2010, and dances in front of him)
Jedi(Singing): YALL CAN'T MESS WITH JEDI, YALL CAN'T MESS WITH JEDI
(Jedi turns his back to Venom2010 gets up)
JBond:Uh Jedi... don't turnaround
Jedi:Why?
JBond: Just don't
(Jedi turnsaround, and Venom2010 punches Jedi right between eye's, and Jedi goes flying accross the room)
JBond: See IT HAPPEN AGAIN NO ONE EVER LISTEN'S TO ME
Superman: Save it JBond, i think Venom2010 is gonna pick a fight with Wolverine.
JBond: Oh no, we have to stop him
(JBond and Superman trying to hold Venom2010 back)
Rossbond: Wow, i love watching this stuff
(Venom2010 pushes JBond and Superman back, and goes over to Wolverine)
Venom2010: Hey dumbass, you wanna fight, you got a fight.
(Wolverine, push his chair and stands)
Wolverine: Them fighting words
Venom2010: Well no **** sherlock, how long did take you to figure that out, you stupid numskull!
Superman(to himself): Oh man, what has Venom2010 gotten himself into.
(Wolverine changes at Venom, but venom dodges out of the way. and Wolverine crash into a wall)
Venom2010: hahahahaha you suck numskull!
(All of the sudden the Wolverine gets up and leave's the bar, and Anna Paquin walks into the bar)
Anna: I am having X-Men flashbacks
(Jedi slowly gets up and runs to Anna)
Jedi: Hey sexy lady, wanna go to my place.
Anna: Ewwwwwwwwwwww, your soooo sick, leave me alone.
(Superman than goes to Anna)
Superman:Yo Anna wanna play pool, but with my VERY OWN POOL STICK
Anna:Your sooooooooo gross, cut it out
(JBond, walks up to Anna)
JBond: You know Anna, i've always had my way with the ladys
Anna:Leave me alone scumbag!
(JBond crys and runs to Rossbond)
Rossbond: It's ok JBond
JBond: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Venom2010 walks to Anna)
Venom2010: Hey Anna wanna ...
Anna: Venom, there is somthing i have to tell you.
What does Anna say?
A)Venom... I AM YOUR SISTER!
B)I see... I see dead people
C) You made me preagnet, now let's go on Springer
D) Let's leave this bar and go to your house
[This message has been edited by Venom2010 (edited 10-28-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-28-2000 11:32 AM
________________________________________A; Just for the heck of it!
Superman 10-28-2000 04:35 PM
________________________________________
Superman: You'd think we've been here in this tree house for 10 minutes and we already have people invading it!
JBond: Well uh we are listed in the phone book and have business cards.
RossBond: Hey you put "RottBond" instead of "RossBond."
JBond: <Looks innocently at Ross> Um, darn.
RossBond: Hey fly boy lets go take a walk <Throws JBond out of the tree house>
Anna: Venom, I have something to tell you...
Venom: Yeah yeah yeah, your my sister.
Anna: How did you know!?
Venom: Because Jedi Knight was playing sharades and acting the whole thing out while I was fighting Wolverine.
Anna: Oh...
Vanilla Ice: <Peeks in as he's been watching everything> Yo my pasty homey's, how about giving me a job here!
Jedi Knight: Hold me back before I kick the living daylights out of him!
RossBond: <Holds back Jedi> And they said I get cranky...
JBond: <Climbs back up into the tree house>
Superman: Get lost Vanilla, your career melted a long time ago.
Vanilla Ice: Hey man you got a sweet set up here, I'll do odd jobs around here...
JBond: Like clean up after Jedi Knight when he takes a dump...
Jedi Knight: <Goes to push JBond back out but JBond grabs him first and throws him out instead>
JBond: <Dusts his hands> Its one thing to toss me out of a tree, but don't mess with the tux.
RossBond: Okay Ice boy you can be our secratery/maid/scapegoat/cook.
Vanilla: Solid!
Venom: <Pulls over RossBond> What the hell did you do that for!?
RossBond: Look I figure if we can keep him occupied here maybe he won't try to make a musical come back.
Superman: Works for me, maybe we should recruit Hammer while we're at it!
Venom: Don't push it!
RossBond: <Jedi Knight tries to climb back into the tree house but Ross pushes him out>
Jedi Knight: Ow! I know where you live a$$hole!
RossBond: Of course you do, your my roommate.
The heroes clean up the mess after fighting Shatner and Wolverine. Wolverine and Anna leave later on.
JBond: You know I can't help but notice the resemblence between Anna Paquin and Rogue.
Venom: <Shakes his head>
Superman: <Picks up the ringing phone> Guys, we got our first assignment!
RossBond: What is it?
A. Regis Philbin on top of the Empire State Building claiming he's the most powerful man on Earth
B. A sequel to "Easy Rider" has just been greenlighted with NSYNC in all the roles
C. Pauley Shore trying to make a career come back
D. Mickey Mouse is drunk and no one can stop him
Venom2010 10-28-2000 05:50 PM
________________________________________C!!!!!!!!!!
Jedi Knight 10-28-2000 07:44 PM
________________________________________D!
JBond 10-28-2000 09:16 PM
________________________________________
C is too far-fetched, even for this place.
I would go with A or D
RossBond 10-28-2000 10:21 PM
________________________________________D! Make it so...
Superman 10-29-2000 12:59 PM
________________________________________
I guess we'll go with A,C, and D!
Superman: Regis Philbin is claiming he's God on top of the Empire State Building!
RossBond: Hey I got someone on line 2 saying Pauley Shore is trying to make a career come back!
JBond: <Picks up the phone> Line 3 says that Mickey Mouse is mad drunk and I think he smacked up Minnie Mouse!
Venom: Not again...
Jedi Knight: Last time he pulled out a knife on Pluto.
Superman: Okay we've got three serious situations so we gotta split up. Venom and Jedi you guys take Regis, I'm guessing we'll need some Jedi mind trick to convince him he's not God.
Venom: What do you need me for to go with him?
Superman: We may need muscle power if he gets out of control.
Venom: Heh, I would have the muscles right?
Superman: Well compared to the rest of the guys your the best we got...
JBond: Hey!
Superman: Okay RossBond you and Vanilla Ice...
RossBond: &$@*!
Superman: Likewise. Anyways you two take on Pauley Shore.
Vanilla: Solid!
Superman: JBond you and I take on Mickey, not even I alone can stop him when he's drunk.
JBond: Aye aye captain!
Superman: Please don't do that again.
JBond: Pansy...
Superman: I heard that!
The 5 heroes and Vanilla Ice all go to their respective locations to confront their enemies.
Jedi Knight and Venom on the Empire State Building confront Regis.
Jedi Knight: <Pulls out light saber> Its over Philbin, your ratings are dropping and your not God.
Venom: Hey if you play nice I'll give you this nice white jacket I have, the sleeves are backwards but that's because its the latest fashion style.
Regis: Really!?
Venom: Uh yeah...
Regis: <Approaches the hero as he's seen wearing a robe> I have a millionn dollar question for you first.
Jedi Knight: What is it?
Regis: Have you ever seen anything like this! <Takes off his robe to reveal he's nude>
Jedi Knight: AHHH ***** I'm blind! <Falls>
Venom: Mother of... <collapses> What... kind of monster... are you...
Regis: The sexiest fat slob!
Jedi Knight: Noooo!!!
RossBond and Vanilla Ice arrive at a casting agency.
RossBond: I don't like it, its too damn quiet.
Vanilla Ice: Maybe some of my music will help "Ice Ice Baby..."
RossBond: <Punches Vanilla Ice> Stop! Yu know I don't have my ear plugs!
Vanilla Ice: Sorry...
Pauley Shore: <From the shadows> Hey buddy, I've been wai-ting for you!
RossBond: Son-of-a-b*tch is hiding!
Vanilla Ice: No he's not, he's right behind the couch!
Pauley Shore: Ah rats! <Stands up> It doesn't matter, because you won't live to see me win an Oscar!
RossBond: The day you win an Oscar is the day Vanilla here makes a successful career return.
Vanilla Ice: Hey!
Pauley Shore: I doubt that! <Starts to do his dramatic acting which causes both Vanilla and Ice hold their ears and fall> "FRREEEDOM!!"
Meanwhile JBond and Superman arrive at Disney.
Superman: Remember last time we were here?
JBond: Yeah Jedi barfed after we went on the Star Wars ride.
Superman: That too, but when you tried to do your "I'm king of the world" impression in front of the ship and you fell off onto the cotton candy machine.
JBond: Shut up, I didn't know people would get so mad.
Superman: It took a whole week to get that ***** out of your hair, you were covered in pink and blue for a whole week!
Mickey Mouse: <Drunk wearing a tank top, jeans and smoking> You f--k's *hic* will be covered in blood if you don't leave! I'll rip your insides!
JBond: Man he's a mean drunk!
Superman: Come on Mickey, give it up. We'll get you some help...
Mickey Mouse: Don't touch me you tight wearing freak! <Breaks his bottle> Where the hell is my rum...
JBond: This is going to be an all nighter...
Back at the Empire State Building.
Regis: You wanna see my million dollar prize dance! <Wears a thong and starts dancing> Thong thong thong thong! Like Sisqo, you know him right!
Jedi Knight: If there's an ounce of humanity in you, please stop!
Venom: <Starts having seizures>
Regis: <Rubs oil and grease on himself> I'm God, I saved ABC!!
Jedi Knight: Your show sucks! Don't you get... it... Ratings... dropping <Struggles to get up>
Regis: You lie!!
Venom: It's... it's true! <Throws him the Nielsen ratings> Your show was just a gimmick!
Jedi Knight: In the long run you'll be through!
Regis: NOOOOO!! <As he see's the ratings his ego deflates and is defeated>
Venom: Your going to the mental home, with your buddy Kathie Lee!
Regis: No anything but that! Please I'll do anything!
Jedi Knight: Sorry pal, your days are numbered!
At the casting studio.
RossBond: I can't take... anymore!
Pauley Shore: "To be or not to be buuudddyyy!"
Vanilla Ice: <Gets up and starts performing his songs which starts affecting Pauley>
RossBond: Its working, but its twice the damage to me!
Pauley Shore: AHHHHH!!! <Falls down in fetal position crying>
Vanilla Ice: Word to your motha!
RossBond: If you say that again it'll be the last thing you say!
Vanilla Ice: <Looks down> Sorry.
At Disney Superman is trying to hold down Mickey while JBond tries to cuff him.
Superman: Hold still you filthy rodent!
Mickey Mouse: Your f--king mother is filthy!
Superman: <Punches him> Shut up!
JBond: Easy Superman. Come on Mickey, we can't do this every week!
Mickey Mouse: I do your *hic* mother every week!
JBond: You bastard! <Begins pounding Mickey> When I'm through with you...
Superman: <Pulls JBond off> Easy dude!
Mickey Mouse: <Gives them the finger>
JBond: We can't do this alone.
RossBond: That's why we're here <The rest of the heroes arrive>
Jedi Knight: What's the problem?
Superman: He's been cursing, drunk, talking trash about our mothers and tried to burn Bond with his cigarette.
RossBond: Mean drunk.
JBond: Yeah, that's what I said too.
The heroes stand back and watch Mickey to see what his next move will be. He starts urinating on the Disney castle and rides while heavily cursing.
Superman: What the hell are we going to do?
A. Try to tackle him all at once and cuff him
B. Let him go and let Michael Eisner deal with it since he has so much money
C. Put him on "Cops"
D. Let Vanilla Ice handle it
Venom2010 10-29-2000 01:16 PM
________________________________________D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JBond 10-29-2000 01:46 PM
________________________________________E. Erase him!!
Superman 10-29-2000 03:10 PM
________________________________________
D and E it is!
RossBond: Look this is real dangerous, I say we send in Ice boy and let him take the risk.
Venom: I'm with it!
RossBond: Hey uh Vanilla, we were talking it over and got to thinking that maybe this could be your first superhero gig!
Vanilla Ice: That's icey cool!
Venom: Right yeah...
Superman: <Standing in a corner muttering to himself> He's just a cartoon, he's just a cartoon...
Jedi Knight: We gotta stop the ass before he causes anymore trouble.
Vanilla Ice: I got an idea! <Grabs a giant eraser> C'mere mousey mousey <Runs after Mickey to erase him. Mickey with his pants still down from urinating on the castle and rides tries to run away>
Mickey Mouse: Get away from me you *hic* has-been nobody!
JBond: You know in a weird way I'm going to miss Vanilla.
RossBond: Yeah he was fun to make fun of...
Vanilla Ice: <Finally tackles Mickey by erasing his legs>
Mickey Mouse: Get the *hic* f--k off of me, your crushing my pecker!
Superman: Son-of-a-b*tch got him! <The heroes all run and tackle him and finally cuff him>
Mickey Mouse: You haven't seen the last of me you mother f--kers! I'll remember this <Cops come to take him away>
Jedi Knight: Shut yer trap you alcoholic freak!
Mickey Mouse: <As he's being taken away> I did your sister last week!
Jedi Knight: <Runs up pushing the cops and throws Mickey against the car punching him>
Venom: Hey hey hey!! <Pulls Jedi off> You don't even have a sister!
Jedi Knight: I know but he's getting on my nerves!
As Mickey is put in the car he gives a sadistic smile and spits at the heroes, and then is finally taken away. That's when a piece of paper is seen on the ground that catches JBond's eye.
JBond: <Picks up the paper> Hey look at this.
RossBond: What is it?
JBond: It says: "Mickey, keep heroes distracted. I'm sending Pauley and Regis to triple their efforts so I can proceed with the bigger plan, William S. P.S. Remember to shop at Priceline.com."
Jedi Knight: Oh man I don't believe this!
Superman: He set us up...
RossBond: What I don't get it?
Venom: Put 2 + 2 together and you'll get it!
RossBond: 4
Venom: What?
RossBond: 2 + 2 is 4.
Superman: No!
RossBond: It's not 4, I always got 4 when I added 2 + 2.
Superman: No its still 4!
RossBond: Then how come you said it wasn't?
Superman: It is but that's not what he meant.
RossBond: What way is there to mean it, 2 + 2 has always been 4.
Superman: NO!!!
RossBond: You just said it was!
Superman: 5...4...3...2...1... <Runs up to smack Ross when the others pull him off>
Venom: <Pulls Ross over to explain it to him>
JBond: <Shakes his head> We'll never last as an organized team...
Vanilla Ice: <Does his dance moves for the bystanders>
Jedi Knight: Wait I got a pretty good idea what his plan may involve!
Superman: Then lets go!
JBond: Hey should someone tell Vanilla?
Venom: Nah, some how he always manages to find us. He's like a dog, he knows how to find his way home <Watches Vanilla Ice doing his moves as some bystanders clap and throw dimes>
RossBond: <Shakes his head> I'm not even going to say it...
Superman: So Jedi, what is Shatner's plan?
A. To gather an army of Trekkies to take over the world
B. Get his clones together that Jedi created and get them to work on a music, movie, book, internet, t.v., etc. deals so that we'll always see or read Shatner 24/7
C. Shatner plans to free Kathie Lee Gifford to make her our next president
D. All the above
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 10-29-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-29-2000 03:40 PM
________________________________________It is D!
Jedi Knight 10-30-2000 08:29 PM
________________________________________.....
Venom2010 10-30-2000 09:19 PM
________________________________________Yea D.
Superman 10-31-2000 03:30 PM
________________________________________
Heh, I guess that may be an implication for me to write it. Okay I will, but it'll cost you each $5.50. J/k, I'll get around to it as soon as I can!
Jedi Knight 10-31-2000 04:40 PM
________________________________________
Were waiting www.comingsoon.net/ubb/wink.gif
[This message has been edited by Jedi Knight (edited 10-31-2000).]
Jedi Knight 10-31-2000 09:20 PM
________________________________________
Suddenly, Rick Moranis jumps out of nowhere and starts firing at the heroes with a ray gun.
Moranis: I AM A GHOSTBUSTER!
Jedi takes cover behind a nearby metal table and uses it as a shield.
He then pulls out a blaster and shoots back at Moranis. But he misses him by an inch.
Superman: <covering his ears> Would you two shut up?! Your hurting my ears!
Both Moranis and Jedi fire at Superman, sending him flying through the air.
Jedi swings around and shoots back at Moranis, striking him down.
As Jedi holsters the blaster two scientists dressed in white lab coats step next to the unconscious Moranis and carry him off to the Insane Asylum.
Jedi: Now that THATS taking care of; lets take care of Shatner.
Superman: <stumbling to his feet after getting blasted> What was that for?!
Jedi: You would'nt shut up!
JBond: Okay poeple, we need to get back to the Bar!
All of the heroes rush to a sidewalk to get a cab.
Jedi: Superman, you can fly, remember?
Superman: Oh...yeah <flies off>
Jedi: <shakes his head>
RossBond: TAXI!
A Taxi cab pulls up.
Inside the cab sits Steve Guttenberg.
JBond: Guttenberg?! When did they let you out?!
A furious Guttenberg steps on the gas and roars off.
Jedi: <Slaps JBond upside the head>
JBond: Ow!
RossBond: I'll get another one; TAXI!
Another cab pulls up and inside sits Tony Danza.
Jedi: <To JBond> Shut up.
JBond: What?
Jedi shakes his head and all the heroes get in.
Danza: Where to?
JBond: To the Bar room Batman!
RossBond: <Shakes his head>
When the heroes arrive at the Bar they see that Superman has been battling Shatner for quite some time already.
Shatner: <to his clones> ATTACK THE OTHER HEROES!
JBond 10-31-2000 09:46 PM
________________________________________
Do they...
A. Tell Shatner he got a role in the next Star Trek film
B. Jedi uses a mind trick to make the Shatners think they are chickens
C. Stand very still and hope the Shatners can't see them.
D. None of the Above
Jedi Knight 10-31-2000 11:35 PM
________________________________________
B www.comingsoon.net/ubb/smile.gif
[This message has been edited by Jedi Knight (edited 11-01-2000).]
Jedi Knight 11-01-2000 02:16 PM
________________________________________
Shatner: Yummy! Chickens!
Shatner runs after the heroes, trying to eat them.
Superman: What'd you do this time, Jedi?!
Jedi: <fighting Shatner off with a lightsaber> I made him think we were chickens! He must be hungry or something!
Shatner: <frothing at the mouth>
Jedi: Get away from me, you freaking idiot.
Jedi swings furiously and frightens Shatner away.
Jedi: That was close; too close.
JBond: <to Jedi> Now how are we going to kill all of these clones?! This is all your fault!
Superman punches JBond across the face.
JBond: Thanks. I needed that.
Venom: Jedi! Watch out!
A clone bursts from underneath the floor and starts to choke Jedi.
Superman: <to Venom> Who wants something to drink? Anyone?
Jedi: <shoots a blaster into the clone's foot> HA HA!
Jedi slams the clone in the face.
Jedi: Thanks a lot. Geez, and to think of all the things that I've done for all of you.
Superman: What have you done for us, btw?
Jedi: Why you..! <starts to choke Superman>
Rossbond: Okay, break it up <pulls Jedi back>
Superman: Holy poo! Look out! Its.....
THE TELETUBBIES! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/eek.gif
Teletubbie #1: <walks toward Venom> Let me give you a nice big hug...
Venom: <screams as he's engulfed by the arms of the creature>
Jedi: Don't worry Venom!
Jedi smashes a chair on the Teletubbie's head.
The creature swings around. Its eyes have turning into the blazing color of red.
Teletubbie #1: NOW YOU'VE MADE ME MAD!
Jedi: Oh, shut up! <slashes the Teletubbie in half>
JBond: Here come the other Teletubbies!
JBond 11-01-2000 02:37 PM
________________________________________
Jedi...I meant the Shatners think themselves are chickens!!
Jedi Knight 11-01-2000 03:05 PM
________________________________________
Oh. I'm sorry.
I'm so stupid! <Jedi slaps himself over the head>
JBond 11-01-2000 03:40 PM
________________________________________That's hilarious!!
Jedi Knight 11-01-2000 04:04 PM
________________________________________
Thanks. I hope my self inflicted injuries brought laughs and smiles to the whole World www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
<Jedi punches himself in the jaw and flings himself out a window from the top of a Skyscraper>
I'm okay! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
JBond 11-01-2000 04:23 PM
________________________________________
I meant the chicken incident was funny! Though your self-inflicted injuries are funny too!
(Your story was funny too, DEATH TO ALL TELETUBBIES!!!)
Jedi Knight 11-01-2000 05:01 PM
________________________________________
Thanks www.comingsoon.net/ubb/smile.gif
RossBond 11-01-2000 06:29 PM
________________________________________
Holy Cow this is funny! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
[This message has been edited by RossBond (edited 11-01-2000).]
Jedi Knight 11-01-2000 09:44 PM
________________________________________
The dozens of other Teletubbies come rushing after the heroes.
Jedi: <pulls out a double lightsaber and smokes two Teletubbies at once>
Teletubbie #34: <to Jedi> Quin Gon never told you about your Mother...
Jedi: Oh not this again!
Teletubbie #34: ...I AM YOUR MOTHER!
Jedi: A family just does'nt get any wierder than this!
Suddenly William Shatner bursts into the room again!
Shatner: <to Jedi> Son! Join me and your mother in annoying the living daylights out of every human being alive!
Then, Keanu Reeves (who survived the page one incident) also bursts into the room!
Keanu: Qui Goon never told you about your brother....!
Jedi: Oh please no...!
Keanu: ...I AM YOUR BROTHER!
Jedi: NOOOOOO!!!!!!
The other heroes run to the elevator.
Venom: Jedi! Come on! The Bar's going to fall! (because the Teletubbies have annoyed the structure of the building to the point of collapsing)
Jedi: <looks at all three of his family> I'm out of here!
Jedi runs off and jumps into the elevator.
Jedi: Wait a second, you idiots. If the building's collapsing...why are we in the elevator?!
Superman: Oh...yeah.
JBond: Were all going to die!
The elevator cable snaps and they start to plummet.
Heroes: AHHHHHH!!!!
[This message has been edited by Jedi Knight (edited 11-01-2000).]
[This message has been edited by Jedi Knight (edited 11-01-2000).]
JBond 11-02-2000 06:15 AM
________________________________________
Where did you get a double edged lightsaber?! You must be evil...EVIL!! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
Jedi Knight 11-02-2000 07:57 AM
________________________________________
www.comingsoon.net/ubb/biggrin.gif
Superman 11-02-2000 06:17 PM
________________________________________
As the cable snaps the heroes scream for their lives.
Jedi Knight: AHHH!! I never got to go to Universal Studios!
JBond: I never had the chance to commit to one woman!
RossBond: I never got to go to France!
Venom: Don't worry its grossly overrated!
RossBond: For real...
Venom: Yep...
That's when Superman comes and stops the elevator from crashing.
Superman: <To JBond> Is this your floor madam?
JBond: Har har.
Jedi Knight: Thanks man, I owe you one!
Superman: No problemo.
Venom: We've got a bigger situation!
RossBond: <Looking out the window> Well um it looks like the Teletubbies are riding on a big cheese wheel in the city, and the Shatner clones are having a breakdancing contest.
Superman: NOOOOOO!!!!
JBond: What!? What!?
Superman: I wanted to be in the breakdancing contest this year. I even sharpened up my moves...
Jedi Knight: <Shakes his head> You know... Forget it, its not even worth commenting on.
Venom: So uh, what do we do?
RossBond: I say leave them the hell alone. As long as they aren't harming anyone let them ride the big cheese wheel <As he's talking Superman disappears and is seen riding on the big cheese wheel>
Jedi Knight: I can't believe he just did that!
JBond: Yeah he's going with the enemy!
Jedi Knight: No I meant he went without me! Wait up <Runs to ride the cheese wheel and all the other heroes join>
Venom: Dude this rocks <Riding on the giant cheese wheel> Whoohoo!
RossBond: <Looks curiously at the cheesewheel he's riding on. He looks around to see if anyone else is looking at him and then takes a bite out of it>
Superman: NOO!!
The cheese wheel then spins out of control and crashes into the Shatner breakdancing contest. The domino effect causes cheese to cover the entire city.
JBond: Oh bloody hell.
Venom: More like cheesy hell...
Jedi Knight: Hey you know what they call "a city covered in cheese" in France.
Venom: If you even say it, I'll make sure its the last thing you'll ever say.
Superman: <Crawls out of the cheese debris> So horrible....
JBond: <Helps Superman up> I know the city is messed up.
Superman: No I meant the foul language coming from the Teletubbies when the thing spun out of control.
RossBond: <Jumps out of the cheese debris> That was awesome! Whoo! Lets do it again...
Jedi Knight: NO!!
RossBond: Okay okay, sheesh. Hey lets go cracker surfing...
That's when the heroes see a scary site, is it:
A. Barney, and the heroes decide to team with the Teletubbies to take them down.
B. Ronald McDonald pissed that the cheese used by everyone as a ride was needed for his quarter pounders.
C. Anna Nicole Smith and her hoo-hah's are out of control.
D. Joe Pesci reviving his singing career (yes he actually sang!).
Jedi Knight 11-04-2000 12:22 PM
________________________________________
ITS NEITHER OF THOSE CHOICES.
ITS THE "STAY PUFF" MARSHMALLOW MAN! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/eek.gif
Superman: Whoa!
RossBond: Run, everybody!
The heroes run into an empty Hotel lobby and head to the Elevator.
Venom: We need to get to the roof!
JBond: Uh....why?
Superman: Yeah, why do we need to get to the roof? Were perfectly safe here.
Venom: Uh...we just have to!
Jedi: I'm surrounded by idiots.
Suddenly the Marshmallow man punches his hand through the Hotel door and grabs RossBond!
RossBond: AAAAAHHHH!!!
Venom: We've got to save him!
JBond: Why?
Venom: YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS!
The heroes rush back outside and site the Marshmallow man climbing the Empire State Building with Ross in his left hand.
Jedi pulls out a blaster and fire at the monster, but barely misses.
Jedi: We can't kill him by ourselves! We need help. We need....Rick Moranis!
Rick Moranis comes running down the street with a blaster and fires at the Marshmallow man.
The creature loses it's grip as the ray strikes it and plummets down to Earth.
RossBond quickly jumps from it's hand and onto the ground.
Superman: <to RossBond> You scream like a girl.
RossBond: <punches Superman>
Superman 11-04-2000 01:14 PM
________________________________________
But that doesn't stop the Marshmallow Man! He gets up in a gooey rage and steps on the Teletubbies and a bunch of Shatner clones.
JBond: Well at least that takes care of the Shatner clones and those rejects.
Venom: Hey if your talking rejects shouldn't you be in there.
JBond: <Smiles sadisticly and then throws Venom into the Marshmallow Man's ass>
Superman: Hey you don't think that thing takes a dump because it'll be a messy return for him.
JBond: Only one way to find out...
Jedi Knight: This is not good, the thing is out of control and is stepping on Star Wars merchandise which is plain cruel!
Venom: <Returns from the Marshmallow Man's ass shivering>
JBond: So how was it?
Venom: I'll get you for that...
Superman: Hey wait I got an idea! RossBond you up for a snack?
RossBond: Yeah I suppose...
Superman: <Huddles everyone together for the plan>
A few seconds later RossBond runs up to the Marshmallow Man and starts eating his legs which causes him to collapse.
Jedi Knight: That.... That's just plain weird...
JBond: Which is why I have my video camera handy <Films everything>
The Marshmallow Man rolls as his legs continue to be devoured by Ross. Vanilla Ice is seen running out of the goo making fantastic claims that the Marshmallow Man is really God. And then all is calm.
Venom: Damn what the hell are we going to do with all this marshmallow!?
JBond: Hmmm... I've got an idea...
A few hours later Ghost Rider and Human Torch arrive as the other heroes rip off chunks of the Marshmallow man and make smores on Ghost Riders head and Human Torch. The heroes then serve the smores to the people of the city.
JBond: Hey guys thanks for doing this!
Ghost Rider: <Wearing an apron> Hey anything for the Bond!
Human Torch: Yeah, long live Bond!
RossBond: <Runs up> Someone say my name?
JBond: Nope.
The heroes then join in with the city people eating smores made from the Marshmallow Man with a giant bonfire in the middle of the city as they sing camp songs. And so another day ends as the heroes destroyed all the Shatner clones and Teletubbies out of sheer luck and not skill and royally pissed off Ronald McDonald for stealing his cheese.
Superman: So what's up for tomorrow?
Venom: Do you have to ask, everything just sort of happens to us.
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 11-04-2000).]
Jedi Knight 11-04-2000 01:36 PM
________________________________________
LOL!
[This message has been edited by Jedi Knight (edited 11-04-2000).]
Jedi Knight 11-04-2000 01:37 PM
________________________________________
The next morning the heroes once again arrive at the Bar.
Superman: This place is a mess!
RossBond: I don't care; I'm thirsty.
RossBond walks over the counter and grabs himself a drink.
Jedi: Superman! Watch out!
Superman: Oh, what is it now?!
As Superman turns around a Raptor dinosaur pounces upon him.
Jedi: <pulls out a blaster and blows the Raptor's head off>
Superman: <covered in goo> That's disgusting.
Jedi: Its better then being dead.
Superman: I suppose.
Then, Roseanne bursts through the door and eats Venom! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/eek.gif
JBond: Crap!
JBond runs up the stairs; trying to hide from Roseanne.
Roseanne: I want cooookkkkiiiiiieeeeess!
Superman: To the elevator!
Superman runs to the elevator and pulls the doors open.
Superman: Hurry up! Here she comes!
Roseanne charges at RossBond <who happens to be wearing a red shirt> like a bull and throws him threw the air with her head.
JBond: <cringes> Ouch.
Roseanne looks up and spots JBond.
Roseanne Your next!
JBond: Eek!
JBond 11-04-2000 01:57 PM
________________________________________
Uh-oh! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/eek.gif
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 11-04-2000).]
Superman 11-04-2000 02:37 PM
________________________________________
That's when Venom climbs out of Rosenanne's body knocking her out.
Venom: <Falls to the floor muttering random phrases> Who wants chocolate ice cream... I want Trident! I do!! Chinese food... good...
JBond: I'm not even going... Help me out I'm at a loss for words...
The whole crowd sits there looking at what just happened and all is silent.
RossBond: No way that just happened!
Superman: That was way cool!
Jedi Knight: Dude do it again!
JBond: Man that was like "Aliens" only funnier!
Venom: <Gets up> Where the hell are my pants!?
Superman: <Looks at Roseanne>
RossBond: Ouch, looks like you...
Venom: <Puts his hand down her throat and pulls his pants out> Done and done.
Jedi Knight: <Looks at RossBond's forehead> Are you ever going to get that "Spanky" tattoo off your head?
RossBond: I dunno, I'm kinda used to it. Maybe I will.
Superman: Hey if you ever want to remove it I can do it with my heat vision for $50. Here's my card. <Hands RossBond the card>
RossBond: This isn't even a real card! It has a sloppy drawing of your "S" symbol written on the back of a napkin! And the phone number is for Domino's Pizza.
Superman: Can't blame me for trying.
JBond: The problem is you don't try...
Superman: I heard that "Mr. I want my blanky."
JBond: Shhhhh!! There are females present!
Venom: Not that Jedi would know what to do with one...
Jedi Knight: Hey that whole Portman/Moore/Geller incident was settled!
Superman: Yeah by an out of court settlement.
Jedi Knight: Yeah, 30 days of community service shoveling ***** at the farm.
RossBond: Could be worse.
Jedi Knight: Yeah, how?
RossBond: You could be shoveling JBond's garbage or end up like Venom inside of people.
JBond: <Slaps Ross upside the head>
RossBond: OW! You made me swallow my toothpick! Again...
Venom: Hey Supes, go easy on the drinks. Last time you got mad drunk and started flying into buildings and fighting invisible villains.
Superman: Hey! I could've sworn Gumby was dressed in army uniform scaling that building!
JBond: Yeah and you also started flying in nothing except for your cape and boots.
Jedi Knight: Talk about a scary sight.
Superman: Shaddup!
The heroes sit at their table eating and drinking when someone taps RossBond on the shoulder. Is it:
A. His pharmacist stopping by to give him his pills
B. Steven Segal looking to pick a fight
C. Jedi Knight just messing with Ross to confuse him
D. Ross's mother telling him its time to go home
Jedi Knight 11-04-2000 03:04 PM
________________________________________
B!
Segal socks RossBond on the back of the head and slams his face into a cream pie.
Superman: What's with you, Segal? Are you taking the failure of The Patriot out on us or something?
Segal screams and starts pounding Superman.
Jedi yawns and fires a blaster at Segal, blowing him out the door.
Superman: <recovering> Thanks!
Jedi: No problem.
RossBond remains unconscious.
Venom: You think we should wake him?
JBond: Nah. He's more entertaining like that.
Then Maximus (from Gladiator) bursts into the room!
Maximus: Is this not what you wanted?! Is this not what you came for?!
Bar room crowd: Maximus! Maximus! Maximus!
Maximus swings the sword and cuts the legs of Superman's chair off.
Superman falls back to the ground.
Jedi, JBond, and Venom all charge at Maximus.
Maximus: Oh crap.
Jedi smashes a chair over Maximus' head while JBond and Venom continue to kick him.
Superman gets up and also starts to kick him.
As the other heroes beat up Maximus, Jedi spots Jessica Alba sitting at the bar alone.
Jedi: Now that just is'nt right...<he moves in to lay on the bad pick up lines>
Jessica: Go, away.
Jedi walks back to his chair; severely disappionted.
Jedi: <takes a seat as the other heroes sit down> Man, I'm having lady trouble.
Superman: Tell us something we don't know.
Jedi: <slaps Superman over the back of the head>
Superman: Ow!
Jedi: Anyways; I just can't seem to find a date anymore.
Venom: <looks over at Roseanne> I hear Roseanne's available.
Jedi: <shudders>
JBond: Well you should try my method...
Jedi: And what is that?
JBond: Actually I don't really have a method...
Jedi: <slaps forehead>
Then another beautiful women enters the room.
Is it;
A. Jennifer Lopez in a bikini
B. Katie Holmes in a bikini
C. Rachel Leigh Cook in a bikini
D> All the above
Superman 11-04-2000 03:53 PM
________________________________________
That was funny! Let's go with "D"
Katie Holmes: We're looking for Bond.
RossBond: <Gets up> That would be me!
Rachel Leigh Cook: No, other Bond.
JBond: That would be me <In suave tone>
Jennifer Lopez: Well I'm glad I finally found you... <Slaps him in the face> Quit sending naked pictures of yourself to us or I'll get Puffy after you!
Rachel Leigh Cook: You'll be hearing from out lawyers!
Katie Holmes: My innocence has been shattered...
The three girls leave and everyone looks at Bond.
JBond: <Gives everyone the finger> Show's over!
Superman: It's not even 9am and we have our first lawsuit of the day.
Jedi Knight: Speaking of which we have to review our lawsuits for budgetery reasons. We need to know how much money we have to set aside for this. Okay I was sued by three girls, one is a minor.
Venom: Again...
Jedi Knight: Superman, your being sued for flying while intoxicated and indecent exposure while flying...
Superman: <High fives JBond>
JBond: Nice work!!
Jedi Knight: RossBond is being sued by the city for covering it in cheese, and assualting a cab driver with his shoe...
RossBond: So sue me!
Venom: That's exactly what they're doing.
RossBond: Oh...
Jedi Knight: JBond is being sued by those three girls for harassment...
Superman: Naturally.
Jedi Knight: The only one not being sued is Venom.
JBond: Mama's boy!
Venom: <Lifts JBond over his head and tosses him out the bar window> Put me down for assualt and battery and damage to private property.
Jedi Knight: <Takes notes>
As Jedi Knight takes notes a shadow looms over the heroes. Is it:
A. Godzilla's return
B. Steven Segal flashing his ass to everyone
C. Ronald McDonald and his crew looking to break the heroes legs for ruining their cheese
D. All the above
[This message has been edited by Superman (edited 11-04-2000).]
Jedi Knight 11-04-2000 04:25 PM
________________________________________
C!
JBond: Crap! Run!
The heroes run away as Ronald and dozens of small children and Mcdonalds employees dash after the heroes.
Jedi: <pulls out a blaster and shoots back at the stampede as he runs up the stairs> Take that, you buffoons!
The blasts frighten Ronald and his crew and they run out through the exit door.
Superman: That was close!
Venom: No kidding!
The heroes take their seats again.
Jedi: Anyways...
As they continue to discuss the numerous lawsuits filed against them, the heroes spot Vanilla Ice hitting on Jessica Alba (he's surprisingly succeeding)
Jedi: This truly proves to me I will never get a date.
JBond: Man, you should go outside once and awhile!
Jedi: <Getting up> Fine.
Superman: Where's he going?
Venom: We won't know until we find out <follows Jedi>
Superman: Uh...why are we following him? He's looking for a date.
JBond: He has problems getting a date, remember? We have to help him.
The other heroes follow Jedi to a downtown club full of women.
Jedi: Aaaah <covers his eyes> Neon lighting!
Superman: <steps up next to Jedi> You do need help.
JBond: Okay man.
Rule #1; Scope out the best looking single women in the entire place, and move in.
Jedi looks around and spots Rachel Leigh Cook at the counter.
Jedi: How about her?
JBond: Oh crap! Don't let her see me! <hides behind the door>
Superman: Why?
JBond: She filed a restraining order against me after that whole picture situation.
Jedi: I'm moving in.
Jedi takes a seat next to Cook and lays on the pick up lines.
Then Barney enters the room and starts gobbling up all the club's inhabitants!
JBond: This kind of stuff just seems to happen to us, does'nt it?
Superman: I guess so.
The Bar owners and security guards walk over next to Barney.
Guard: I suggest you leave.
Barney: But I just want to make everyone happy! I want to give everyone a big hug and love the world, forever and ever!
Guard #2: <to Guard #1> Bit of a fruit, is'nt he?
Barney: What did you just say?!
Guard #2: <backing up> Uh, nothing.
Barney: Baby Bopp! Seize them all!
Suddenly Baby Bopp, several young children, dozens of Teletubbies, William Shatner, Steven Segal, the Alien from "Aliens", Joel Schumacher, The Predator, Pikachu, Freddie Prinze Jr, and Ronald Mcdonald all burst through the dooors.
Jedi: <to Rachel> I suggest we leave.
All the heroes <and Rachel> run outside to the streets and back to the Bar.
Barney: Wait! Don't let them escape!
As all the heroes hop into a replica of one of the cars from Jurassic Park, they hear a loud "thump"
Jedi: Did you hear that?
Superman: Who did'nt?
RossBond looks out the back window;
RossBond: Holy cow! Here they come!
JBond: Superman! Start the car!
Superman: <starts up the car and it roars off>
Venom: Sheesh! That was close.
Superman: Were not out yet!
The stampede of annoyances continue to follow the heroes as the drive.
JBond: Now what do we do?!
Superman 11-04-2000 05:55 PM
________________________________________
Superman: <As he drives> I cannot believe this!
RossBond: Neither can I, for a guy who never drives your doing a pretty good job.
Superman: Really?
JBond: Ahhh!! Look-out!
Superman: Oh crap <Steps on the brakes and hits something. They all run out of the car>
Venom: ***** we hit something!
Jedi Knight: No, you think!
Superman: I say we dump the body in the bay, make a pact about this and never talk about it again.
JBond: You idiot! That's what they did in "I Know What You Did Last Summer."
Superman: It was just a movie...
JBond: The point is its wrong!
Venom: This coming from someone who shoots men on a regular basis and sleeps with many women...
RossBond: Can we see who we hit! The suspense is killing me!
Jedi Knight: <Turns the body over> Oh man we hit the jackpot!
RossBond: Please tell me its George Bush Jr...
Jedi Knight: Even better. Its Shatner!
Superman: So what do we do? <The heroes look at one another clueless>
A few minutes later at a pier a body is dumped in the bay.
Venom: Takes care of our situation!
Superman: Lets never speak of this again.
RossBond: Hopefully our Summers will still be good...
Jedi Knight: Its Fall right now jackass.
RossBond: And so it is.
JBond: You know he'll be back, I mean nothing has kept him down and out.
Superman: Eh, it never hurts to try.
Venom: Well we still have a major situation. Baby Bopp, the Teletubbies, Segal, Schumacher, Pikachu...
RossBond: Bless you.
Venom: <Continues looking at Ross confused> ...Prinze Jr, Ronald, and the Alien from "Aliens" are still after us!
Superman: Whoa wait what happened to Schumacher and the Predator?
JBond: <Points to an alley> Looks like Schumacher gave him a codpiece, nipples on his costume, and a neon pink, yellow and orange on his costume. Gave him a Jennifer Aniston haircut too.
Jedi Knight: <Looks in disgust> That man is horrible!
Venom: Ohhh! Looks like the Predator kicked Schumacher in the nuts, he's down!
RossBond: And the Predator is weeping like a little girl because he just saw what Joel did to him.
Superman: <Spots Pikachu and runs up to him punting him> Take that you corporate evil merchandising bastard!
Venom: Was that necessary?
Jedi Knight: Yeah if he didn't do it I would've!
JBond: I got Prinze Jr.
JBond walks up to Prinze Jr having a conversation. The heroes watch as JBond pulls out a picture and Freddie runs away sobbing into the alleys.
RossBond: What the hell happened!?!?
JBond: Well I told him if he kept his career up the way he was then he would end up like Van Damme as a has-been who plays in the same type of crappy movies.
Venom: Bet that did the trick...
Superman: Teletubbies problem is taken care of.
Jedi Knight: What happened?
Superman: The Alien from "Aliens" ate a bunch of them and the rest ran off.
RossBond: I can't beleived I missed that!
JBond: Don't worry I got it on film <Pats his video camera>
Venom: By the way Baby Bopp just seduced Segal and they're running off to elope.
Superman: What about Ronald McDonald?
JBond: Ross kicked him in the nuts and he fell down cursing.
Jedi Knight: PLease tell me you got that on film!
JBond: <Nods> And we can watch it in instant replay and slo-mo.
RossBond: Yeah John Woo style, except we had no doves.
Venom: That leaves just Barney and the Alien, shouldn't we do something?
Superman: Nah, maybe they'll end up killing one another or devour one another. I wanna go to lunch.
RossBond: Me too!
JBond: Yeah I'm starved.
Jedi Knight: You know that eventually all those guys will return to kick our asses and eventually that Alien and Barney will hunt us down.
Venom: Yeah but what'cha gonna do? We're on a lunch break!
The heroes head to Wendy's to eat but that's when a great evil shows up. Is it:
A. Shatner already back as the fisherman from IKWYDLS
B. Barney and the Alien teamed up
C. A Schumacherized Predator showing up
D. Ronald McDonald taking Dave Thomas hostage
Jedi Knight 11-04-2000 08:31 PM
________________________________________
A!
Superman: You know, Shatner. Your really annoying.
Shatner cuts through the air with a hook in his left hand.
JBond: Lets leave, shall we?
All the heroes rush out the door and into the Parking Lot.
Superman: <scratches his head> Now where did I park the car?
Jedi: Oh good lord!
Superman: What?!
Suddenly Shatner kicks Venom in the head; knocking him unconscious.
RossBond Ouch.
Shatner charges at Jedi, but rams himself into a telephone pole; missing Jedi by an inch.
Jedi: Not exceptionally bright, are you, Shatner?
Shatner passes out.
Superman: Crap! Look out!
JBond: What is it?! What?!
Superman: A sea gull (not Segal www.comingsoon.net/ubb/wink.gif) just took a dump on your head.
JBond: Ah, man!
Jedi Knight 11-05-2000 10:02 AM
________________________________________....
Superman 11-05-2000 01:59 PM
________________________________________Currently working on it!
Jedi Knight 11-05-2000 02:16 PM
________________________________________Okey dokey.
Superman 11-05-2000 02:39 PM
________________________________________
RossBond: Oh crap! There's an army of pooping sea gulls, they've been trained by Shatner to ruin the city!
Superman: Run!
JBond: What about Venom!?
Jedi Knight: There is nothing we can do for him now, he's at their mercy!
The heroes run into a store and hide as they watch the horror outside.
JBond: The humanity...
Jedi Knight: What are we going to do?
RossBond: I say find a ride and get the hell out of the city.
Superman: As in saving ourselves and escaping?
RossBond: Yeah...
Superman: I'm with it.
JBond: Me too.
Jedi Knight: Me three!
RossBond: Hey JBond, do you still get free BMW's?
JBond: Yeah, but right now we can't!
RossBond: <Runs accross the street and breaks the dealership window with a garbage can> We can now.
Jedi Knight: <As he walks into the car dealership he turns the sign from "Closed" to "Open"> Now its official and legal.
Superman: No its not.
Jedi Knight: Never hurts to try.
The heroes walk around the dealership as JBond goes looking for a car they can all ride in. Meanwhile RossBond is messing around with a computer, Jedi Knight is doing an impression of a car dealer while Superman steals candy from the vending machine.
JBond: Okay lets go, lets go! The car is ready.
RossBond: <Breaks the dealerships window with another trashcan>
JBond: Was that necessary?
RossBond: Sure it was, I don't like dealers! Besides I changed their computers so that all the people that bought a car from them don't have any more payments. I'll be a Robin Hood!
Superman: <As he runs towards the car he glances at the computer> Hey Robin Hood, you just doubled all of the customers payments.
RossBond: Oops...
JBond: No time to fix it, we've got to leave. And I'm driving, that way no one will run anyone over <Looks at Superman and starts up the car roaring off>
Superman: Hey what were the odds we'd run down our nemesis.
RossBond: Well at least we can't be blamed for what's happening right now.
Jedi Knight: Yes we can. You see covering the city in chocholate was Superman's doing when fighting Brando and Roseanne, covering the city in cheese was Ross's fault with the Teletubbies, and covering the city in marshmallow was Ross again....
RossBond: Heh.
Jedi Knight: And Shatner wouldn't have gone crazy if he was never hit by that chair in the first brawl by us so in a way we're to blame for him going mad and doing this.
Superman: Funny how in the end when you trace back these disaters the source leads to us.
JBond: What can I say, we go looking for trouble.
RossBond: Or the other way around.
Superman: I'm surprised you didn't want to ride on the outside Bond.
JBond: Not a chance, I'm surprised you didn't fly.
Superman: Not if I depended on clean shorts would I fly out under these circumstances!
Jedi Knight: Oh crap!
JBond: I know its all over the city.
Superman: No there's slick poop, we're gonna crash!
JBond: <Grabs the steering wheel and makes a sharp turn crashing into a department store> Whew, that was close but we did it!
RossBond: What are you talking about, you just crashed into a store!
Jedi Knight: Better than outside in the poop.
Superman: He has a point.
JBond: Now what <The heroes look outside as the sea gulls continue crapping on the city>
Superman: I've got an idea! Why don't we get some bread and throw it outside and they'll stop!
RossBond: That's pigeons stupid.
Superman: What do sea gulls eat?
RossBond: Stupid people...
Superman: You son-of-a-b*tch! <Goes to hit Ross>
JBond: <Breaks it up> This neither the time nor the place!
Jedi Knight: Fish!
RossBond: Mmmmm... Fish...
Jedi Knight: No, I mean that's what sea gulls eat!
JBond: Yeah but we'll need tons! How the hell are we going to get all that fish? <They all look at Superman>
Superman: Uh uh, no way!
Jedi Knight: Fine, then you'll never get to see Jessica Alba on t.v. again...
Superman instantly disappears and returns minutes later with tons of fish dumping it in city streets as the sea gulls land and eat them.
JBond: Ewww. The sea gulls are eating poop covered fish!
RossBond: <Stops eating fish> Whoops, I thought it was a sauce or something. <Looks around to see if anyone is looking at him and continues eating the fish>
Jedi Knight: <Pulls out his saber and charges at the birds> Die you bastards! <Swings with his saber to hit the birds but tthey casually move aside eating fish>
Superman: <Tries to kick the birds but as he is about to he slips on the bird poop and falls>
The birds slowly land and as they are Ross continues eating poop covered fish, Superman and Jedi try to hit the birds but are not successful and JBond looks on shaking his head at them. That's when a limping figure walks toward them, its Venom covered in bird poop from head to toe.
JBond: <Sees Venom> Oh my... God...
Superman: It can't be... It's Venom! <All the heroes run up to him>
Jedi Knight: <Puts his hand on Venom's shoulder> You were lucky my friend, the force was with you.
Venom: <Mumbles incoherently and then tries to strangle Jedi>
Superman: <Pulls Venom off>
RossBond: Man you look like *****!
Superman: <Elbows Ross>
RossBond: Ow! Hey sorry...
JBond: We have a current state of emergency! The city needs help rescuing people from the attack.
Superman: Well we gotta hose down Venom for the sake of decency!
RossBond: What do we do?
A. Hose down Venom
B. Help the city
C. Discuss it over dinner
D. Continue to argue
Jedi Knight 11-06-2000 09:31 PM
________________________________________
A!
Venom: <as the water strikes him> Thats cold!
Jedi: Quit your blasted whining, you cry baby!
Venom: Why you...! <attempts to strangle Jedi again>
Superman: Okay, okay. Back up <pushes Venom back>
After hosing Venom off, the heroes head to dinner at a restaraunt called "Ilikecatsalot"
A gorgeous waitress comes to seat them.
Waitress: A table for how many?
Jedi: As many as you want!
Superman: <punches Jedi in the stomach> a table for 6 please.
JBond: There are'nt six of us.
Superman: I have a feeling someone will be coming pretty soon.
JBond: Okey dokey.
The heroes take their seat at a booth table.
Jedi: Geez, Venom. You smell like crap.
Venom: <tries to strangle Jedi again>
Jedi: Okay, okay. I'll shut up now!
Jedi looks over at the entry door and spots Katie Holmes entering the room.
Jedi: <to JBond> Okay. Here's my chance...<moves in on Katie>
But before Jedi can reach her, Shatner enters the room and starts doing the cha-cha, which frightens all the customers away.
Shatner: <looks around> What?!
Heroes: <slap their forheads>
Then everyone hears a loud rumble.
Superman: You hear that?
Jedi: Oh not this again!
Its Rosie O'Donnell rampaging through the streets.
Venom: Oh thats it! I'm going home! <walks out>
Jedi: Well he can bail, but we can't!
Ross, JBond, Superman: <also run out the door>
Jedi: Wussies <walks outside to fight Rosie O'Donnell>
Jedi: Hey! Quit your blasted singing, you toad!
Rosie: AAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!!!
Jedi: Oh shut up!
Rosie: <crushes Jedi's new rent-a-cat underfoot> RRRRROOOOAAARRR!!!
Jedi: Oh crap!
Rosie charges after Jedi as he runs down the street to a nearby Restaurant.
Jedi bursts through the doors and spots Jerry Seinfeld and the whole cast of Seinfeld sitting at a booth.
Jedi: <gasping for air> Jerry! You've got to help me! Rosie O'Donnell's after me. She looks like a bloated William Shatner, man!
Jerry: Who are these poeple? Why do we live on Earth? Why not MARS?
Kramer: You know..I've always wondered about that.
Elaine: Me too! I've always been like; why do we live on Earth?! Its so...dampy!
Jerry: Thats a new word; Dampy. I like it!
Elaine: Thanks! I came up with it in my head.
Jerry: Its brilliant!
Jedi: Nevermind! <runs out the door>
Jerry: You know. I hate it when poeple do that. Its so...rude!
Kramer: So do I!
Jerry: Really?
Kramer: Really!
Rosie O'Donnell sticks her enormous hand into the Restaurant and grabs the entire Seinfeld cast and eats them.
Jedi: <hops into a car> No one locks their doors anymore. And why do they always leave their keys in the ignition? Oh man. I'm beginning to sound like the Seinfeld cast! <starts the car and roars off>
Jedi looks at the mirror and spots Rosie roaring after him.
Jedi: I've got to get to the bar!
Superman 11-07-2000 08:30 PM
________________________________________
Superman: <Leaning against the pool table with toothpick in his mouth> I'm glad we ditched Jedi back there, that b*tch won't follow us.
Jedi Knight: <Runs through bar doors> Help!
JBond: ^$#!@&~
RossBond: Bang goes that theory...
Jedi Knight: She's mad I tell you! Mad!
Venom: ... ARRARGGHHHHH!!!
Jedi Knight: <Looks at Venom curiously> The hell is wrong with him?
Superman: He's been moody since you know... the incident.
Jedi Knight: Ohhh...
RossBond: Whoo-hoo!!!
Superman: What!? Do you have a plan!?
RossBond: Even better! I just beat JBond in pool!
JBond: <Hands $20 to Ross> There goes my hookers for the night...
Superman: Can we focus on the issue at hand!
JBond: What issue? That your a freak...
Rosie O'Donnell: I love "Grease" and Tom Cruise!!
All the heroes at once: AHHHHHH!!!
Jedi Knight: She's here!!
All the sudden Rosie is shot in the back with a dart that knocks her out from a shadowy figure. The shadowy figure steps foward, its Charlton Heston.
Charlton Heston: Never diss the NRA you damn dirty talk show host! <He leaves the bar>
Jedi Knight: That was like way cool!
RossBond: We need more guys like him.
Superman: <Goes to shoot pool> Hey Ross I want some of your money.
RossBond: Not a chance! <Joins Superman at the pool table>
JBond: <Proceeds to play darts with Darth Maul>
Jedi Knight: <Has a beer with Mighty Mouse>
Venom: <Continues to randomly accuse people of touching him in his "special" area as he is still in trauma>
The heroes are all enjoying themselves when <blank> enters the bar!
Jedi Knight 11-08-2000 05:03 PM
________________________________________
Its...DARVA CONGER IN A WEDDING DRESS TRYING TO MARRY HERSELF TO ONE OF THE HEROES!!! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/eek.gif
Jedi: RUN!
Heroes: <run out the doors as Darva pursues them like a pitbull>
Conger: Come back here you little brats! I want my fifteen minutes of fame back!
Conger pursues them into Downtown.
JBond: <running franticly> is she still following us?!
Jedi: <looks back as he runs> YES!
The heroes run into another Bar full of WILLIAM SHATNER FANS ANONYMOUS.
Shatner fan #1: Welcome our new friends, everybody! <the Shatner fans close in to give a group hug to the heroes.
Jedi: We'll be going now! <the heroes run out the door>
Superman 11-08-2000 05:16 PM
________________________________________
Superman: <Flies away> Bye bye sucka!
JBond: Hey come back you weenie wimp!
Jedi Knight: "Weenie wimp?" How old are you again?
RossBond: Man that Darva Conger is worse than Sue from "Survivor."
Venom: Meat planes! Steak flavored ice cream!
Urine cereal!
Jedi Knight: Get a hold of yourself Venom!
RossBond: I say we leave Venom with Conger, he won't know the difference.
JBond: We can't do that! He's one of us!
The next day on t.v. Venom is seen marrying Darva. Later on he sends out an S.O.S. for help.
Superman: Man did you guys screw up royally!
JBond: If you stayed back maybe this wouldn't have happened!
RossBond: My question is how drunk was Darva that she settled for Venom.
Jedi Knight: Your so damn irritating!
RossBond: That's not what your sister said!
Jedi Knight: You little... <Tries to strangle Ross but Superman pulls him off>
Superman: Jedi, you don't even have a sister. Mickey pulled the same stunt on you and you did the samething.
Jedi Knight: Sorry, I've been a little edgey since the whole Regis incident...
JBond: <Shudders>
Superman: I say we nab Rick Rockwell, grab Darva and lock them in a room and let them irritate one another to death.
JBond: I'm with it, but who has the guts to try to bring Rick back into the media spotlight?
A. Ross and Superman
B. Vanilla Ice
C. JBond and Jedi Knight
D. None of the above, its too damn dangerous
JBond 11-08-2000 05:24 PM
________________________________________
But Darva Conger is still there!! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/eek.gif
JBond: I got an idea!!
Jedi: What is it!?
JBond: I should invest in Microsoft, it's a sure thing!!
Jedi: Oy vay!
Superman: I will handle this!
<Superman leaves in a flash and returns with Richard Hatch>
Richard(To Darva): Well! Hello there! I have money!!
And then it's love at first sight!!
But then the Trekkies start to surrond the heroes! What now!?
A. Tell them not only one Shatner is in town, but four!
B. Tell them they are re-releasing the Star Trek movies all in a row.
C. Show them behind-the-scenes shots of Star Trek so they realize it's not real and they disappear.
D. Or just kick their scrawny little asses since they are weak and could not possibly take us on.
JBond 11-08-2000 05:25 PM
________________________________________Superman, we posted at the same time!
Superman 11-09-2000 05:17 PM
________________________________________
Way cool, like they say great minds think a like! In our case its the bizzare...
Okay I choose "D"
Trekkies: You ruined our private bash two days ago!
Superman: Get over it.
Jedi Knight: They can't, they've never come in contact with a girl, and never will and this is all they have.
JBond: Plus the fact that they still live in their parents basement.
Jedi Knight: Like Ross...
RossBond: I'm staying there until my place gets fixed a$$ head!
Jedi Knight: The hell did you call me!?
RossBond: A$$ head! What's the matter, going deaf?
Jedi Knight: Your going down! <Starts fighting Ross>
Superman: Well JBond, looks like its just you and me. <Looks around and doesn't see JBond around> Bond...
Trekkies: <All tackle Superman trying to kick his ass while Ross and Jedi fight>
Jedi Knight: This is for eating my Ewok shoes! <Tackles him>
RossBond: Quit your whining you half wit! <Throws dirt in Jedi's face>
Jedi Knight: Ahhh! I'm blind!!
Superman: Not as bad as a bunch of fat slobbering smelly nerds trying to kick your butt! <Tries to hopelessly fight back>
That's when JBond returns with an army of beautiful women who come within 10 feet of the Trekkies. The Trekkies not knowing how to handle being close to a woman for the first time all suddenly have to go home...
Superman: <Gets up> Where did the girls come from?
JBond: Some former girls I slept with.
Superman: All 200 of them!?
JBond: Well the other 5,000 couldn't make it.
Superman: Figures.
JBond: So how do we break up Ross and Jedi?
Superman: <Whistles> Ross! Chow time!
RossBond: <Gets up and runs to the table with knife and fork>
Jedi Knight: <Tries to seduce the women that Bond brought but they slap him with a lawsuit>
That's when:
A. JBond sneezes in everybody's food and they get mad
B. The Trekkie's return with an army of Star Wars fans to fight the heroes led by General Shatner
C. General Shatner trips over a rock and the nerds quickly disassemble not knwoing what to do on their own
D. Gene Roddenberry returns as a ghost telling the Trekkies to go get a life
JBond 11-09-2000 06:05 PM
________________________________________
D!
Gene: Treeeeekkieees!! I am glad you like Star Trek and can name all of the Star Trek episodes in chronoloical order but.....GET LAID
Jedi Knight 11-09-2000 06:48 PM
________________________________________
The Trekkies all burst into tears and run off screaming for their Mommies
JBond 11-09-2000 07:12 PM
________________________________________
Wow! Appreciate this moment everyone! There are no threats to the heroes...Ahhhh!...Now that is over with, THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK START WALKING DOWN THE STREET!!!!!!
Jedi Knight 11-09-2000 09:12 PM
________________________________________Holy poo! Run!
Venom2010 11-09-2000 09:21 PM
________________________________________
(All of the sudden Kurt Angle comes and nails all of the New kids with the OlympicSlam)
KurtAngle: WHOOOOOOOO, I AM YOUR OLYMPIC HERO!
Superman 11-10-2000 11:45 AM
________________________________________
JBond: Good, now if only he took care of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys I'd be content!
RossBond: Hate to break up your contentness but we're not out of the woods yet!
Superman: What now!?
Jedi Knight: It's Shatner dressed in 70's clothing trying to bring Disco back!
Venom: Ah run!!
Kurt Angle: I can stop him!
Superman: No fool! RUN!
Kurt Angle: <Stands with his hand out to stop Shatner but doesn't stop him>
Venom: <Weeps as he looks back to see Kurt Angle in disco clothes dancing>
Jedi Knight: Wow that was weird...
RossBond: Its even worse! Shatner has already got half the city back in the disco era!
Superman: This is ridiculous! I'm stopping him now!
JBond: No you won't make it!
Superman flies to stop Shatner but just like Kurt Angle he isn't powerful enough and is captured and dressed in a disco Superman outfit with bell bottom tights, platform shoes, an afro, and a disco ball in place of his "S."
Venom: This can't be good for anyone...
Jedi Knight 11-10-2000 12:13 PM
________________________________________
Jedi: <pulls out a blaster and blows Kurt Angle, Shatner, and the rest of the city away>
JBond: Well THATS one way of resolving the problem
The heroes walk over the unconscious Superman.
JBond: <slaps Superman> Wake up idiot!
Superman awakens and stumbles to his feet.
Superman: That was like having a really weird dance party
Venom: Now what do we do? I'm bored
Suddenly, the heroes spot a giant Space-Craft looming overhead.
Jedi: %#@! Its the "Death Star!"
JBond 11-10-2000 03:33 PM
________________________________________
JBond: Got damnit Jedi, I thought you destroyed the Death Star...TWICE!!
Jedi: Is it really that surprising? Shatner has died 23 times! And look, he is even getting up and coming up with a new plan as we speak!
Superman: Guys!! 60 billion ton chunk of metal coming for Earth!!
What do they do??
A. Have Jedi call Rogue Squadron
B. Make a trade, Superman for NOT destroying Earth.
C. Hit their heels together and say "There's no place like home"
D. Retire.
Venom2010 11-10-2000 04:48 PM
________________________________________
*Punches Jedi all the way to Mexico*
Venom: YOU KILLED MY FAV WRESTLER!
RossBond 11-10-2000 06:41 PM
________________________________________
Whoa Venom!
He'll be back with clones!
CHILL!
Superman 11-11-2000 03:16 PM
________________________________________
JBond: Whoa Venom is back!
RossBond: Good to see you! We thought Darva did you in!
Venom: Nah, I escaped by foot before we got to our hotel. She's still hunting me down...
Superman: Well good to have you back, but we're about to be attacked by aliens!
RossBond: Yeah and Jedi here was about to call in some reinforcements when you punched his ass into Mexico.
Venom: Oops...
JBond: Maybe if we click our heels and say there is no place like home it'll work! <Everyone attempts it and when they open their eyes the aliens are still there>
Superman: It was a worthy attempt at least.
RossBond: Greetings! <Walks towards one of them> Welcome to our humble planet! <The aliens spit goo at him>
Venom: Hostile bastards.
JBond: Hey Superman, relatives of yours?
Superman: Shut up.
The aliens start attacking the heroes and they fight back with all they have destroying most of the city. That's when Darva Conger shows up!
Darva: There is my husband!
Venom: NO b*tch go away!
Rick Rockwell: <Followed Darva> There is my wife!
Darva: <To Rick> NO b*tch go away!
<The aliens look at one another and take Darva and Rick into their spaceship leaving Earth>
Superman: You know this just gave them 15 more minutes of fame.
JBond: Dammit! They could have at least taken Shatner!
RossBond: Nah, I kinda enjoy watching him make an ass of himself.
Venom: I wonder why Jedi hasn't come back yet...
Some where in Mexico, Jedi is sitting on a beach chair surrounded by many beautiful women feeding him grapes, bringing him drinks and fanning him.
Jedi Knight: Thanks Venom old buddy!
Jedi Knight 11-12-2000 06:54 PM
________________________________________
Jedi: Now THIS is the life! www.comingsoon.net/ubb/cool.gif
JBond 11-14-2000 05:02 PM
________________________________________
JBond: Hey! Look over there! It's Clint Eastwood!
------------------------------------------
Eastwood: I asked you question, did I give you six dollars, or did I give you five? Maybe i kept a dollar in my wallet. Well? Do you feel lucky, PUNK!
Store Clerk: Uh, Sir. You gave me a fake credit card.
Eastwood: Oh....Gotta go! <Eastwood huffs and puffs while trying to run away>
Superman: Quick! Get him, he's getting away...sort of.
Jedi: Heh heh! Yeah! Even you could catch him, JBond!
JBond: Har har!
<Eastwood points his magnum to the heroes>
Superman: Uh-oh!
Eastwood: You have to ask your self a question-
Jedi: Oh for crying out loud!!
Eastwood:-did I put 2 bullets in the chamber, or did I put in 1.
Superman: I think you should do the shooting alphabetical!
Jedi and JBond: Shutup!
Eastwood: Suit your self. <Click> Ah....
Superman: Or did you forget to put in bullets AT ALL!?!
Eastwood: Damn! <Runs away>
JBond: Let him go, I kinda feel sorry for him!
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 11-14-2000).]
JBond 11-16-2000 08:25 PM
________________________________________It's that bad, huh?
Superman 11-16-2000 09:30 PM
________________________________________
No way! I liked it, especially the fact that it has Eastwood who I mentioned in another topic I was a big fan of his! I just haven't had time to follow up on these stories this week, but I will get around.
Jedi Knight 11-18-2000 05:39 PM
________________________________________
Yeah, JBond. That was funny.
Lets continue;
Suddenly the heroes spot Chuck Heston blowing away monkeys in the streets with a "borrowed" N.R.A. Tank!
Heston: Take that you blasted dirty apes! <laughs maniacally>
Venom: NNNNOOOO!!!!
Superman: Calm down, man! Are the monkeys friends of yours or something?
Venom: No. This just seemed like the appropriate time to say, 'NNNNNOOOO!!!!'
JBond: Okay then. <turns around and spots Chuck Heston blowing away a dozen other monkeys>
Jedi: That guy seriously needs to go see a Psychiatrist.
Superman: You got that right.
Suddenly Heston spots the heroes and drives after them.
Jedi: Here comes Mr. N.R.A. now!
The heroes run off and jump into a Ford Expedition.
Jedi: Man! Why'd we choose this car! We'll be running out of gas in at least five minutes!
Superman: Lets just drive for crying out loud!
JBond 11-18-2000 09:32 PM
________________________________________
JBond: All right, let's go!!
<James Bond theme starts to play>
Superman: Where is that sound coming from?
Jedi: Hey! JBond has a tape recorder in his pocket playing that! So that's where it has been coming from all these years!
JBond: You have no idea! In my 60's movies, before the casstte was invented, the costume designers had to find a way to hid a guy playing the theme on a guitar in my suit!
Jedi: ...
Superman: Hello! Gun crazed, trigger-happy, dirty ape hating, manic getting away in an M1 tank!
JBond: Right! Shoot for the tires, THE TIRES!
Jedi: JBond...It has treads, there are no tires, haven't you ever seen Goldeneye!
JBond: Nah, I don't go for those kind of movies!
Superman: Hey Heston! If you stop this monkey killing madness, i'll give you this nice 30 cailber assult Rifle!
Heston: Does it have laser sighting and armor piercing bullets?!
Superman: Uh...You betcha!
Heston: All righty!
<He stops his tank and gets out and gets the rifle, then the police show up to arrest him>
Police: Sir, you have to give us the weapon!
Heston: You can remove this gun from my cold, dead hands!
Jedi: Yeah whatever, take him away boys!
Superman 11-19-2000 11:26 AM
________________________________________
As Heston is put away in the police car he yells that he'll eat the heroes grandchildren.
JBond: He's sounding a lot like Hannibal and Mike Tyson.
Superman: <Looks around the streets covered in monkey carcass and scratches his head> I'm pretty much at a loss for words.
Jedi Knight: Yeah, but I mean do monekys even have any value to society that we wouldn't know what to do without.
RossBond: Hell yeah! What about that Chimp Channel thingy on TBS where they used to act out scenes from mainstream movies.
Venom: Tell me again why I haven't knocked Ross out yet?
Jedi Knight: Because he has a hot looking sister that you want to ask out and punching him won't get you a date with her.
Venom: Oh yeah...
The heroes walk from the scene of the moneky massacre when Regis Philbin and Richard Hatch come running down the street naked past our heroes.
Superman: AHH!!! F--k I'm blind!! <Falls to knees>
JBond: Should we stop that?
Jedi Knight: Eh, let them express themselves.
RossBond: There is no way I'm coming within 10 feet of those guys!
Venom: I say we bust out Heston and let them nuke the bastards.
JBond: Nah, then we'd have to break out Shatner to take out Heston and then we'd need Godzilla to take out Shatner and Mickey Mouse to stop Godzilla and so on.
That's when Barney arrives on a motorcycle with tattoos, nose rings, leather jacket and chain with his gang.
Barney: <Gets off his motorcycle and pushes Superman> What's up b*tch!?
Jedi Knight 11-24-2000 07:31 PM
________________________________________
<Superman punches Barney in the ear>
Barney: Ow! My Ear!
The rest of Barney's gang jumps in to defend their leader and start to furiously beat the living daylights out of Superman.
Ross: Should we help him?
Jedi: Ah. Why not? We have nothing to do anyways.
Jedi then pulls out a blaster and blows Barney and his entire gang away.
Jedi Knight 11-26-2000 08:01 PM
________________________________________Man. My story was that bad?!
thebtskink 11-26-2000 09:42 PM
________________________________________
Oh no!! Here comes Vibe Impact and WatsMataU!
JBond 11-26-2000 09:49 PM
________________________________________
Don't ruin this thread with your pointless arguing...GET OUT!
[This message has been edited by JBond (edited 11-26-2000).]
TheBard 11-27-2000 02:51 AM
________________________________________
Damned, and I was wondering how you guys get your Zillions of posts... Now I know.
Change: Spelling
[This message has been edited by TheBard (edited 11-27-2000).]
JBond 11-27-2000 06:23 AM
________________________________________
www.comingsoon.net/ubb/confused.gif Huh?
TheBard 11-27-2000 06:29 AM
________________________________________
Huh?
TheBard uses his special ability to talk absolute nonsense and tries to get everyone under his control...
thebtskink 11-27-2000 03:40 PM
________________________________________
(Ok, I've promised to end the fued. I still want to post on this thread, I promise, no pointless bickering. Since I can't really post anything meaningful until someone post again....)
The heroes come to a fork in the road. A chill is in the air. Suddenly a loud screeching noise is heard. The group goes to investigate down the left road....
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 06:59 PM
________________________________________
<Jedi tries to pull himself towards a red button on a keypad.>
Jedi: Must...break...Vibe Impact's record of posts...<pushes the button>
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 06:59 PM
________________________________________
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLAAAHHHH!!!
[This message has been edited by Jedi Knight (edited 11-27-2000).]
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:02 PM
________________________________________BLLLAAAAHHHH!!!!
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:02 PM
________________________________________BBBBLLLAAAHHH!!!
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:03 PM
________________________________________BBLLLAAHHH!!!!!!
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:03 PM
________________________________________BLLAAAHHH!!!!
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:03 PM
________________________________________BLAAAHHHH!!!!
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:04 PM
________________________________________BBLLLAAAHHH!!!!
JBond 11-27-2000 07:04 PM
________________________________________BLAAAHHHH!!!!
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:04 PM
________________________________________BLAAAAHHH!!!
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:04 PM
________________________________________BLAAAHHH!!!
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:05 PM
________________________________________"Secret Weapon";
THE ALPHABET!
A
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:06 PM
________________________________________B
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:06 PM
________________________________________C
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:06 PM
________________________________________D
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:06 PM
________________________________________E
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:07 PM
________________________________________F
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:07 PM
________________________________________G
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:07 PM
________________________________________H
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:08 PM
________________________________________
I
[This message has been edited by Jedi Knight (edited 11-27-2000).]
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:08 PM
________________________________________I
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:12 PM
________________________________________
Ah. Forget the alphabet!
I will instead post the longest known english word...letter by letter!
P
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:12 PM
________________________________________N
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:12 PM
________________________________________E
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:13 PM
________________________________________U
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:13 PM
________________________________________O
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:15 PM
________________________________________N
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:16 PM
________________________________________O
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:17 PM
________________________________________L
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:17 PM
________________________________________T
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:18 PM
________________________________________R
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:18 PM
________________________________________A
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 07:18 PM
________________________________________M
thebtskink 11-27-2000 07:44 PM
________________________________________
Come on, man lets just not screw up this thread too, ok?
Besides, i thought the longest word was disestablishmentarianism, i might be wrong.
Anyways, lets get on with the real thread, ok?
Jedi Knight 11-27-2000 08:00 PM
________________________________________
Alright. I was just trying to give us a boost. Sorry.
<Btw; the longest word in the English language is PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS.>
[This message has been edited by Jedi Knight (edited 11-27-2000).]
JBond 11-27-2000 08:55 PM
________________________________________Hey! That's the name of my dog!!
Superman 11-27-2000 10:05 PM
________________________________________
Superman: <Knocks Jedi out> Sorry mates, he was getting out of hand. I think the Jedi Master from the other thread made him looney tunes.
JBond: That still doesn't explain why your still a jackass.
Superman: <Knocks out JBond> Ahh crap I just knocked out my comrades, now who am I going to make cracks to?
thebtskink 11-28-2000 09:42 PM
________________________________________
Superman sees thebtskink walking the other way and pictures the word "scapegoat" on his forehead..
Superman 12-01-2000 04:04 PM
________________________________________
Superman: Hey thebtskink old buddy, how about I try out my comedy routine on you?
thebtskink: How about I keep walking and not listen.
Superman: How about I'll let you walk with your balls in place unless you listen?
thebtskink: Fair enough.
Superman: Okay so this horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey pal why the long face?"
thebtskink: You thought of that?
Superman: Yeah, what do you think?
thebtskink: I say don't quit your day job.
Superman: Wait I got more!
thebtskink: No!
Superman: If you stay I'll give you some worms!
thebtskink: Whoohoo!
Jedi Knight 12-01-2000 06:52 PM
________________________________________
Suddenly, the heroes feel a faint rumbling underfoot.[*]Superman: <turns around, slowly> Uh, oh![*]Ross: <swings around> Holy poo!
The heroes see a giant Teletubbie walking towards them, ripping the cement from the streets with every step it takes.
Then the heroes hear the Police song "Every Step You Take" play in the background as the ferocious beast steps past them.
[*]JBond: <watches the Teletubbie walk by> Why didn't he attempt to kill us?[*]Jedi: We might be lucky this time.[*]Superman: Thats impossible, Jedi; we can't just suddenly have good luck! This whole topic consists of nine pages of our numerous misfortunes![*]Jedi: <shakes his head> Too true.
Then another rumble rattles the ground. This one is stronger, though. It sends every one flying to the ground. It feels as if gravity is pulling everyone down to the surface more so than ever before.
[*]JBond: <Trying to get to his feet, but failing> The "earthquakes" have never been this strong before![*]Superman: No kidding!
The heroes look up into the night sky as an enormous new model of the "Death Star" looms overhead once more.
They hear a voice come from above them; its William Shatner once again.
[*]Shatner: This is the final straw! You are commanded to board my ship and defeat me![*]Jedi: Ah. Why not?
The heroes step aboard.
Jedi Knight 12-02-2000 10:13 AM
________________________________________.........
Superman 12-02-2000 01:23 PM
________________________________________
Superman: None of this would've freakin happened if he wasn't hit by that chair in the first fight we were in!!!
JBond: Well at least he gave us something to do.
Jedi Knight: Waking me up at 5am is not what I had in mind!
RossBond: I'd like to welcome thebtskink to our group, he's replaced Venom afer he got moody and quit on us.
thebtskink: <As he's eating worms> Yo, what's up? <All the heroes look at him disgustingly as he's eating worms> Oh my bad, would you guys like some?
RossBond: I've eaten a ball point pen and Jedi's shoe but this I will not.
JBond: Pass.
Jedi Knight: Pass.
Superman: Sure! <Eats some worms> Mmmm.. Wormarrific...
The heroes finally reach Shatner's Death Star as he's assembled the heroes greatest foes which include Joel Schumacher, Mr. Peanut, Tony the Tiger, the Trix Rabbit, Richard Hatch, Regis Philbin, Barney, the Teletubbies, Pauley Shore, Mickey Mouse, Marlon Brando, Steven Segal, Roseanne, a fruity Predator and many more.
Jedi Knight: *****...
JBond: Sorry, I creamed my pants.
Jedi Knight: I didn't mean that.
RossBond: Hey Jedi, the next time you have any bright ideas about boarding a big thing called the "Death Star" run by our greatest foe and he asks us to come aboard, just say "no thanks."
thebtskink: <Starts throwing worms at the Death Star>
Superman: What the hell are you doing?
thebtskink: I thought I could defeat them.
Superman: <Shakes his head>
Shatner: The only way your leaving this place is in pieces!!
JBond: Whew, at least he wasn't going to vaporize, melt, or creamate us!
Superman: JBond, shut up.
JBond: You shut up!
Superman: Make me!!
JBond and Superman start pushing each other around and fighting as both the other heroes and villains look on in disbelief. They throw each other around and activate the Death Star by accident destroying the UPN network.
thebtskink: At least we know the Death Star is good for something.
RossBond: Yeah but we're about to rumble with our greatest foes...
Jedi Knight 12-02-2000 03:00 PM
________________________________________
[*]Jedi: <Pulls out a lightsaber> Come get some!
Roseanne charges at Jedi like a fierce beast attacks his prey, but Jedi backflips and kicks her back into a wall.
JBond pulls out a machine gun and fires into the crowd of enemies, barely missing The Predator and William Shatner, who escape. [*]JBond: <Hears loud footsteps> You hear that?[*]Superman: <Turns around> What now?!
The heroes sight dozens of Stormtroopers walking towards them down the hallway. [*]Ross: We should run.[*]JBond: I second that![*]Superman: But what about Jedi? He's still fighting off Roseanne.[*]JBond: Uh. Does anyone care?[*]Superman: Okay. Lets run.
The heroes run back down the hallway as the Stormtroopers pursue them.
Jedi, while the other heroes escape, continues to fight Roseanne. [*]Jedi: <Pulls out a blaster> Dodge this.
The blaster blows Roseanne into pieces and covers most of the Hallway in blue intestines. [*]Jedi: <Wipes intestines off his hair> Hey look! Its a new brand of hair gel!
Jedi looks around and realizes that the other heroes have left.[*]Jedi: Oh, man!
He then hears a loud scream. [*]Jedi: <Swings around> What the....? <Walks down the Hallway and up a flight of stairs>
Meanwhile, the other heroes are fighting off the Stormtroopers in a fierce hail of gunfire. [*]Superman: <Pulls out a shotgun and returns fire upon the Stormtroopers>[*]JBond: I'm out of ammo![*]Ross: Same here![*]Superman: Oh, blast it all! You two, run and get on the radio to inform Mr. Spock about this. I'll stay here and hold them off![*]JBond: Works for me. [*]Ross: Okay then.
At that very instant, Jedi steps into the docking bay area of the Death Star and hears the scream once again.
He then spots Shatner at the other end of the room, taking hostage Jessica Alba in a gold bikini![*]Shatner: <Sights Jedi> You'll never save this Planet, or her, Jedi! Bwahaahahahaha![*]Jedi: You are one evil cuckoo bird, Shatner! [*]Shatner: Thank you![*]Jedi: <Shakes his head> That wasn't a compliment. [*]Shatner: <counts his fingers> Oh, yeah! I knew that! Uh, anyways; you'll never save this Planet! [*]Jedi: You already said that.
Shatner, growing impatient, storms out through a door that leads to the Control Room.
Jedi hears the sound of Shatner's maniacal cackle as he goes into the room.
Jedi pursues them.
thebtskink 12-02-2000 04:37 PM
________________________________________
Meanwhile, we see thebtskink caught in the garbage pit of the Death Star 'rassling with Tony the Tiger. The walls are closing in.
Tony: You'll never beat me!!
skink: Oh yeah, why?
Tony: Because I'm bigger than you, I'm stronger than you, and gosh darn it, I'm GRRRRREATTTT!
skink: Damnit.
Just then, thebtskink looks up and sees RossBond and JBond lowering a rope. Skink grabs on.
JBond: Hey Ross, wanna see something funny?
Ross: Yeah
JBond : EYAHHH!!
JBond starts rocking the rope back and forth as Skink holds on for his dear life.
Skink: Stop it!
Ross: Make us!
Skink: When I get up there, I'm gonna....errrr.....ummmm....straight to the moon, Alice.
JBond: We're both guys.
Skink: Oh yeah... JBond I believe you were in the pulling position, and Ross, you were cheering him on.
Ross: Look out! Tony's behind you!!
JBond: I got it covered!
JBond pulls out a phaser he stole from Shatner, sets it to kill mode, and shoots at Tony. He completely misses, and the shots ricochet off the walls and burn through the rope just as Skink climbs out of the pit.
Tony: You haven't heard the last of me!! I'll piss in your cereal!!! Beware of Frosted Flakes, do you really know what they're frosted with? It's ...ARGHHHH!!
The walls close in on Tony and make a loud CRUNCH sound. Ross, JBond, and Skink run to get Mr. Spock.
Jedi Knight 12-02-2000 06:48 PM
________________________________________
I hate pressuring everybody, but;
...........
Venom2010 12-02-2000 07:42 PM
________________________________________
(DDP comes out of nowhere and Diamond Cutter's Jedi)
thebtskink 12-02-2000 08:57 PM
________________________________________........
Superman 12-03-2000 01:59 PM
________________________________________
Superman: <Kicks DDP over and over again> Thanks a lot you jackass, he was on our side.
Mr. Peanut: <Swings his cane and hits Superman> Hey you f--k, remember me!
Superman: Sure I do, your the guy that was crushed by Steven Segal.
Mr. Peanut: <Looks confused>
JBond: Bombs away!! <Pushes Segal out from above and on to Mr. Peanut>
Superman: Done and done.
Tucan Sam: Not yet!
RossBond: Why is it all the cereal icons are deranged maniacs?
thebtskink: Gotta be the sugar, makes them hyper and wrong in the head.
Superman: JBond doesn't eat cereral and he's still wrong in the head.
JBond: Your mother.
Superman: My mother doesn't eat cereal.
Jedi Knight: <Finally gets up> Hey Tucan, its bird hunting season! <Shoots Tucan with a shot gun>
Superman: Hey that was my gun!
thebtskink: Your Superman, you don't need a gun.
Superman: It's the new millenium, I was trying to change my image.
JBond: Not that it would make you less retarded anyways.
RossBond: Okay ladies break it up, we got company!
Ronald McDonald enters wielding nunchuaks and throwing stars. The heroes dodge them but Superman and thebtskink fall through a hole in the floor where they face Mickey Mouse.
Mickey Mouse: <Dressed in jeans, a tank top and smoking as usual starts kicking Superman and punching thebtskink>
Superman: F--kin Michael Eisner wouldn't pay for his psychiatric therapy and he finally snapped.
thebtskink: You would too if you heard "It's a small world" every day and every 5 minutes.
Mickey Mouse: <Runs across the wall and does a Matrix kick to both Superman and thebtskink>
Superman: Hey no fair! You stole that from a movie!
Mickey Mouse: Go f--k yourself!
Superman: You little... <Charges Mickey and tackles him beating him but Mickey bites him>
thebtskink: Its going to be one of those days...
Meanwhile Ross, JBond and Jedi face Ronald McDonald.
Ronald McDonald: You owe me $50 million worth of cheese for destroying it when you and the Teletubbies were riding it. I'm going to make you pay!!
JBond: <Points at Ross> It was him! It was all him I swear!
RossBond: Hey its not like you weren't there!
Jedi Knight: Cash, check or credit card?
Ronald McDonald: Huh?
Jedi Knight: You said $50 mil and I'm paying for it.
Ronald McDonald: Surprise me.
Jedi Knight: <Pulls out checkbook and writes a check for Ronald> There, now we're all set.
As Ronald looks at his check happily the heroes run away.
JBond: Since when did you have $50 million lying around?
Jedi Knight: Since I swiped it from Shatner.
RossBond: Naturally we only enrage him more...
Suddenly a scream is heard from Shatner and Ronald is thrown out of the Death Star and seen floating into space.
JBond: <Looks out> Well that's one way of going about getting rid of him.
RossBond: I would've stuffed his ass in a happy meal and sent it to his mother.
Back to the battle with Mickey...
Superman: <Has Mickey in a bear hug> I got the bastard, get him skink!
thebtskink: <Swings to punch Mickey but he ducks and punches Superman by mistake>
Superman: Ow!
Mickey Mouse: <Bites thebtskink on the leg>
thebtskink: You little *****! <Picks Mickey up and punts him like a football out of the Death Star>
JBond: <At another part of the Death Star see's Mickey floating outside>
Jedi Knight: This just keeps getting weirder...
RossBond: <Snaps a picture>
JBond: The hell you doing?
RossBond: Pictures for our scrap book.
And the battle continues...
[/p]
waaaa what about me?"
