31 Days of Halloween

It’s been fun so far, but it’s time to kick things up a notch, baby. Today SCHLOCKTOBER turns into…

SHARKTOBER

It’s Shark Week here on my 31 Days of Halloween! For the next five days we’ll be either afraid to go in the water or wettin’ ourselves with laughter in its domain. Five Rifftrax shark films: some good, some bad (well...one good, and the rest laughably bad). Let’s make a splash, shall we?

Day Sixteen - Sharktober Day One:


Film Year: 1975
Director: Steven Speilberg
Starring: Roy Scheider, Robert Shaw, Richard Dreyfuss, Lorraine Gary, Murray Hamilton
Riff Year: 2009
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: An Aquarium in Action

Aquarium. Translated literally from the original Latin, it means "boredom box". Every day, thousands of aquariums are completely ignored by passersby in our nation's dentist offices and Chinese restaurants. They are also popular suicide destinations for little plastic scuba men. Aquariums are mainly known for making homes smell funny and, sooner or later, winding up empty out in the garage.

An Aquarium In Action seeks to change all that. A rallying point for aquarium owners, or aquarists*, the film demonstrates just how exciting these bacteria farms can be. It does so by simulating the experience of staring at an impressively ordinary grade school aquarium for an extended period of time. Shiver at the intense action as the children struggle to save baby guppies from certain death in the maws of their own parents. Then watch the children wonder why they bothered saving these ugly little things in the first place, when seeing them devoured would have been much more awesome.

Join Mike, Kevin and Bill as they see who can lick the most scum off the sides of An Aquarium In Action!

*Actual word

Let’s start off by learning about fish that won’t swallow us whole and gnaw on our corpses, won’t we? An Aquarium in Action is, as promised, NON-STOP ACTION of a bunch of kids yammering by a fish tank. They talk about how to properly take care of fish so the youngsters watching can learn.

Wee. So much action.

The riffing mostly stays afloat, and is consistent enough to prevent the short from becoming boring. There’s a wide variety of references used, ranging from drugs to sex to mafia to cannibalism. But the short is such a snoozer that I’d really only recommend it to seasoned Rifftrax fans.

And now our feature presentation...

Just speak the word "jaws" to anyone and their pulse quickens, the hair on the back of their neck stands up as a dim memory rises to the surface of their consciousness - a memory of the first time they saw Murray Hamilton. Most likely it was in an episode of B.J. and the Bear, or perhaps The F.B.I with Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., but if not that, then his turn as the sartorially resplendent, gravelly voiced mayor of Amity in Jaws, the movie that made a generation of people afraid to go into the water (they were justifiably terrified of getting a skin disease from coming in contact with Quint's run-off.) Yes, long before blockbusters like Spider-Man 2, Shrek the Third, or Garden State there was Jaws, the story of small town mayor Larry Vaughn (played by the magnificent Murray Hamilton) and his quest to find the perfect jacket to wear while resisting the whining of Richard Dreyfuss. There is also a shark.

Mike, Bill and Kevin cruise the movie like a large squalus grabbing it with their powerful—oh, what's the word for it...mandibles - then, a little shakin', a little tenderizin', and down it goes.



We’re halfway through October, so we might as well peak and go all downhill from here. Jaws is probably my favorite film that I’ll be watching this marathon. I’ve been a fan since I was a little kid, watching this movie whenever it came on cable. It’s a wonderful film, starting out as a horror movie and evolving into a high seas adventure for it’s iconic climax.

Jaws is about Sheriff Martin Brody, who is dead set on closing the beaches after a shark attack off the coast of Amity Island only to be shot down by the mayor of the town, insisting the beaches stay open for lucrative summer income. When the shark attacks continue, Brody is proven right and they hire a shark hunter named Quint to catch it.

I’m not going to delve too much on this one, as it’s iconic stature has assured that almost every film fan has seen it. But even if the movie isn’t your cup of tea it’s hard to deny the pure craft behind it. A notoriously troubled production (there are several awesome documentaries on the blu-ray), Jaws stayed in production through pure ingenuity and improvisation. The blood, sweat, and tears paid off in the end and the film became an all-time classic, becoming known as “the first summer blockbuster,” two years before Star Wars would shatter its records. Everyone in 1975 had to see Jaws. It was that thing you needed to do that summer.

Times change and certain things about it feel a bit dated today, which is why you’d assume Rifftrax would tackle it. Surprisingly enough there’s not many “fake shark” riffs to be had in Jaws. I strongly believe the reason the guys riffed this particular movie is Robert Shaw’s character Quint. They light up whenever he’s onscreen and let loose on his gruff, almost incoherent grumbling. Quint’s certainly the star of this riff.

When Shaw is offscreen there’s not much inspiration. Jaws is funny in spurts. Occasionally there is a really funny line that hits at just the right moment, but it seemingly falls dead as the film doesn’t give them much to work with. It’s very unfortunate they chose to riff the original and not one of the numerous ripe sequels, especially since they take some digs at Jaws: The Revenge during this runtime yet we as an audience are left wondering why they didn’t riff that instead.

By the way, the riff for this one actually runs longer than the movie, as they pad past the end credits with a song called “When a Man Loves a Shark,” performed by Kevin.

I just finished watching the original Universal Monsters Frankenstein.  I hadn't seen it since I was a kid.  It was pretty good.  Very short, at only 70 minutes. 

It didn't end the way I remembered at all.  I think that perhaps the TV cut I saw back then left the original ending out, because it's the obviously tacked-on sort of happy ending used to make the prudes shut up.  There are zero consequences for Dr. Frankenstein, and he gets to live happily ever after with his new bride.

Day Seventeen - Sharktober Day Two


Film Year: 2013
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
Starring: Ian Ziering, Tara Reid, John Heard
Riff Year: 2014
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Featured Short: A Case of Spring Fever

Finally, the acclaimed smash hit RiffTrax Live event of 2014 is now available to own! Considered by many critics to be one of the greatest movies ever made in the “Tornado full of sharks” genre, Sharknado debuted in 2013 to unprecedented buzz. Not since Snakes On A Plane had the internet been so excited about a movie, and not since the late 90s had anyone been so excited about anything starring Tara Reid.

From the moment it debuted, Sharknado was one of the most requested titles in RiffTrax history. It makes Jaws IV look like Jaws III, and Jaws III look like Jaws. Riffed LIVE from the State Theater in Minneapolis and broadcast to over 700 theaters across North America, this hilarious live event also features an all-new take on the Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan-favorite short A Case of Spring Fever starring Coily the Spring Sprite!

Look, why are you still reading this? It has chainsaws, helicopters dropping bombs, and the aforementioned TORNADO FULL OF SHARKS! Make this new classic a part of your RiffTrax Library today!



This Live show was the first of Rifftrax’s then-unprecedented four Live show year of 2014, which also included Godzilla, Anaconda, and Santa Claus. It’s fairly clear from the show itself that this show was used by Asylum as a part of the big hype push for Sharknado 2: The Second One (yes, believe it or not there was a hype push), which debuted on SyFy not long after this show. Whatever the reason this Live show came about, Sharknado was probably the weakest Live event of that year. But it’s hard to compare in hindsight because Godzilla and Anaconda’s Live shows weren’t released on VOD or DVD (thanks Sony!).

This show starts out with a reriff of the MST classic short A Case of Spring Fever. This infamous short is about a man who is sick of working on his couch, making the dreadful wish that he never see a spring again. Coily the Spring Sprite springs into action and grants his wish, creating a world without springs. Mildly irritated by mild inconveniences, he takes back his wish and lived his life with a newfound appreciation of springs.

The original riffing on Mystery Science Theater was hysterical, this riff...not so much. Honestly I’d call this riff pretty much a complete bomb, because they tread so much of the same ground that they journeyed on when they initially riffed this short, only they do so with jokes that are less funny variations on what they’ve already said about it. I’d personally skip this one and jump straight into the feature.

However there were a few un-riffed bonuses in this show. Asylum provided a preview scene from Sharknado 2, which is intact on this VOD version. What isn’t intact is that they also offered a preview of their Godzilla live show, which I distinctly remember because they had audio issues with the film footage they showed and they pretty much improvised a riff on the footage. It’s most likely they edited out this portion because they weren’t cleared to release Godzilla footage through their website, which is a shame because it was pretty funny.

Moving on to the movie, which was the launching pad of what became the biggest “so-bad-it’s-good” sensation of our generation. Maybe even of all time, because it’s hard to really think of an exact comparison (unless the Transformers movies count). Even when a movie attains that sort of cult status, it usually is something of an underground cult where only certain people know what you’re talking about. Sharknado somehow branched out to mainstream attention, possibly based on the awesome absurdity of its title. Snakes on a Plane tried that, and it still flopped at the box office. Granted, Sharknado has lower ambitions, being a made for TV movie created by one of the most notorious low budget studios that has ever existed, but it worked.

Ian Ziering stars as a man caught up in a massive storm moving in on Los Angeles, which is blowing sharks all over the plays. He and a few wacky sidekicks race to his ex-wife Tara Reid’s house to gather up his children and keep them safe from the looming tornadoes full of sharks.

I actually haven’t seen Sharknado outside of this Live show, and I express just a tad bit of disappointment in it. The movie does have a charming spirit of “who cares what people think of us,” but while the spirit is commendable the apathy seems to bleed into the project as a whole. A movie like this needs to be fun, and outside of a few key moments Sharknado isn’t really as fun as it thinks it is. It’s humor often falls flat and it’s shark action is so poorly edited that it’s often hard to tell what the movie even implied happened. The project most likely started out as a title first, branched out into what action sequences they might be able to afford, then awkwardly writing some sort of story around that while casting the cheapest washed up former celebrities that will say yes.

But something about Sharknado clicked. They’ve just released a fifth film in five years, after all. Not even Asylum’s Mega Shark series got that far (yet). And Ian Ziering and Tara Reid have starred in every single one, so they at the very least must be enjoying themselves. But I can’t help but shake this feeling that Sharknado was more fun to make than it is to watch.

Unlike most Live shows, Sharknado doesn’t have a studio alternative to it, so you either go Live or you don’t get it at all. That’s no biggie for me, since I prefer the energy of the Live shows more often than not.

I had concerns about Sharknado being too tongue-in-cheek for Rifftrax, because I feel the don’t really write around tongue-in-cheek very well. However I was impressed with 2013’s Starship Troopers Live show and was willing to give them a chance with this piece of silliness. Much like the movie itself they only have their moments. To be fair, I think I enjoyed this Live show a lot more seeing it for the first time in the theater. I remember a few patches that left me laughing really hard, such as the busty waitress being eaten by a shark and pulled out of it’s stomach still alive at the end of the movie. Moments like these still amuse but didn’t have the surprise factor anymore, so I have to turn to our three riffers. They do a lot to point out the implausibility of the film, but the film is kinda thriving on implausibility, ain't it? That’s pointing out the obvious.

“Look out, gin! Tara’s home!”

The boys light up the room when Tara Reid is on screen, and they are absolutely savage. They go anywhere and everywhere with her: booze hound, druggie, plastic surgery, airhead, unstable career...seriously the list is endless. Tara pretty much saves this Rifftrax Live by giving the boys something to work with that isn’t really intentional to the film. And for that alone I say give this one a watch, especially if you haven’t seen the movie. Some of the shock value of it enhances the experience, even though it loses something on repeat viewings.

Day Seventeen: Dreams in Darkness


Carnival of Souls


Carnival of Souls may not be perfect, but it's a film that is a lot better than it probably should be. That this was made in a low-budget with amateur actors is fairly apparent, but director Herk Harvey so skillfully creates a dreadful mood through some creepy visuals and eerie music. The movie definitely plays more in the realm of atmosphere than logic, but that atmosphere is effective and the film's third act is particularly strong. I can see a couple of places where the film could have been more ambiguous or thematically rich, but Carnival of Souls remains very satisfying in terms of style and it's also fun to spot the film's influence.

A-


Eraserhead


It's funny, I've been held at an arms length from David Lynch for a while now, but upon my first viewing I've completely fallen in love with Eraserhead, Lynch's debut feature and one steeped in surrealism and stylistic diversions that would continue throughout his work. Indeed, this does almost feel like a thesis statement of sorts for the rest of Lynch's career, but it works better for me. Why is that? Well for starters, for all of the insane and abstract storytelling on display and for how off the rails the film gets in the third act, there is a solid foundation to work with. Henry got his girlfriend pregnant and is not prepared for fatherhood. Pretty much every surreal visual or bizarre performance or weird piece of dialogue can in some ways be traced to that core idea. That makes the story quite relatable. Even if you aren't a would be father, the general anxiety from an increase in responsibility is a common part of the human experience.

The other thing really works here is simply how the audio and visuals made me feel. I've heard some debate against calling Eraserhead a horror movie and I can see why, but I do find the film to be horrific and highly unnerving. The baby in particular is really something out of a nightmare and the general oppressive tone turns Henry's apartment into a truly terrifying place. Hell, just the opening, which sees Henry walking through a bleak industrial environment sets an immediate tone of dread, which is heightened as Lynch delves further into surrealism. Complimenting the film's dark tone is some really great pitch-black humour. I wouldn't necessarily call Eraserhead funny, but there is something comedic about it. The film as a whole still seems wholly unique and as bleak and gross as it is I can't wait to watch it again.

A+

Day Eighteen - Sharktober Day Three


Film Year: 1981
Director: Enzo G. Castellari
Starring: James Franciscus, Vic Morrow
Riff Year: 2016
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett
Selected Short: Aqua Frolics

If you were told you were about to see a film that contained turtles bigger than men, cliff-diving Mexicans and a family that eats Thanksgiving dinner underwater, you'd probably complain "But I don't like David Lynch!" Wrong you would be! You'd actually be all set to watch the 100 percent Lynch-free Aqua Frolics, a short from the 1950's whose message is clear: here is a partial list of things you can do that involve a proximity to and/or immersion in water.

No doubt a response to the Land Council's propaganda film "Dryness: Stay On Land to Achieve It", Aqua Frolics will have you itching to strap on a life preserver and tuck into a drumstick in your neighbors swimming pool. Known frolickers Mike, Kevin and Bill are on hand for their dampest riffing session yet.

Ever wonder what you could do in water when you’re not being eaten by a great white shark? Well here are about fifty or so, including skiing, swimming, and eating underwater (?). This frantic and silly short is one of those reels they’d show way back when as if to say to they audience member “look what you aren’t doing since your lazy ass is in a theater.”

The riffing keeps pace, as they mostly play up the safe gag of putting words in the narrator's mouth. The short is consistently funny and amusing, though it’s not very memorable.

Except that dinner scene underwater. Seriously, WTF?

Mamma mia! Some Italian filmmakers decided to rip off Jaws! The Last Shark doesn’t have the acting talent or music score budget of the original, but it does have a substantially higher percentage of actors with mustaches!

The town’s annual windsurfing regatta is threatened by the presence of a killer shark, and rather than do the sensible thing, cancel it and refund both the tickets they’ve sold, the town presses onward. The result: extremely hilarious shark attack special effects! Tell Mrs. Kintner to stop mourning and get her slappin' hand ready, it’s The Last Shark!



For the most part I tried to keep this marathon full of recognizable titles, or at the very least trashy sequels to recognizable titles. This is the one exception I made, mostly because I needed one more film to pad out my Shark Week. There are more recognizable movies I could have done (in fact, dropping a few in favor of others was pretty heartbreaking), but I was pretty dead set on this shark theme since I conceived of this marathon.

The Last Shark originated in Italy as Great White, a film that blatantly and shamelessly rips off Jaws. I guess the argument is that it’s difficult to do a movie about a killer shark that doesn’t overlap Jaws a little bit (though Sharknado certainly found a way), Universal successfully had the film pulled from American theaters and essentially banned. Lately it’s kind of bled it’s way back over here, with a DVD release and this Rifftrax VOD, so it’s likely Universal doesn’t care about the film anymore.

But the movie is totally different from Jaws. For one, the government official denying the beach has a shark problem is a governor and not a mayor. Totally different. Also the main character’s daughter is attacked by the shark and not his son. Apples and oranges. And finally the film has a scene where the shark pulls a helicopter into the water. That’s a scene lifted from Jaws 2, not Jaws.

The film stars Beneath the Planet of the Apes star James Franciscus as a novelist and the ill-fated Vic Morrow (one year before his horrific death on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie) as a shark hunter who both try to convince people there is a hungry Great White shark off the coast. When proven correct they go out shark hunting, but stupid civilians keep putting themselves out in the water as fish food.

The film is about a half hour shorter than Jaws but somehow feels longer. It’s pretty drawn out with stock footage of actual sharks interjected into the film to hopefully bring suspense to the piece, but it feels so removed from the film that it never works. Like Jaws several fake sharks are used, and all are hilarious. I love the motionless rubber shark they haul underwater to show the shark doing the absurd things the script needs it to. And the head prop that eats people is so bloated you’d just want to tell him to lay off the people and lose a couple pound.

And yet, it’s still better than Jaws: The Revenge.

I’d say the riffing is better than the previous films in my Shark Week. It’s not perfect, as their tendency to scream “SHARK! I’m sorry, I was just screaming something entirely unrelated” grows tiresome. But there are some good quips at the expense of this doofy movie. The shark scenes are so silly and fake looking that they can’t help but be given enough energy to make this movie fun.

QUINTET (1979)



Is it possible to be so full of shit as a filmmaker, you don't realize you're making schlock? The answer is yes. Robert Altman's Quintet might be one of cinema's great practical jokes or the most unfortunate movie in the post Star Wars boom. It's possibly the latter since Altman made much worse films without any irony.

Paul Newman stars as some guy in the future, living in a new ice age, whose pregnant wife is randomly murdered. He investigates and finds out that a group of people are so bored living in an ice age that they've created a game in which they kill or be killed. It's the Hunger Games but with adults and less logic.

Quintet was a giant critical and financial failure upon release. The consensus is that it's too slow and depressing, plus the whole thing is shot like if someone forgot to clean the lense. I won't dispute that, but it also feels like a work of spite. Altman made four movies in a row for 20th Century Fox in the late 1970's and never again collaborated with the studio. Someone must have pissed him off, right? If we can't believe that, we have to accept that Altman's head was so far up his ass towards the end of his heyday, that he made schlock as if it were a prestige film and the results are hilariously bad. And you thought Popeye was embarrassing!

Day the Blobiest
The Blob (1958)



A group of teenagers in their thirties investigate a giant blob that is attacking people in their town.  Its very much a basic monster movie with some strong special effects.  The acting ain't so great (though par for the course for movies in this vein), but I do appreciate how the writers try to make these characters more than just stereotypes.  I was disappointed that the ending wasn't going to deal with the discovery of the creature's weakness, but then it turned around and did just that. 

And also, potential global warning message with last line?

Texas Chain Saw Massacre



I've wanted to see this movie for quite a while, considering it is a horror classic.  Long ago, this was never a movie I was interested in.  However, the more praise I heard it getting as a fundamental film of the genre, often talked about on the same level as a film like Halloween, the more interested I became.   Finally I managed to track it down, but instead of getting a top notch horror movie as I expected, I got something else, more akin to the type of movie I thought it was earlier in my life when I cared not to see it.

This movie is ugly and vile. I hated it.  I really have nothing more to say.

Ian, my man. What are we going to do with you?

Be patient, my love.

One of my favorite McQueen stories is how he used to demand tons of razors, jeans and clothes on set to the point that people thought he was overly demanding and irritating. It was only years later that people discovered he would donate it to the boys shelter where he spent a good portion of his childhood.