31 Days of Halloween

They're humorous downloadable commentaries for movies. On certain ones you just download the commentary and sync it with the movie, on others they have already provided the movie with the commentary on VOD. In the case of Night of the Living Dead, I used their live show, which they performed in front of a live audience and broadcast to theaters nation wide.

I didn't really intend on this being a Rifftrax ad, but you can check them out at www.rifftrax.com

Day Two:


Film Year: 1996
Director: John Frankenheimer
Starring: Marlon Brando, Val Kilmer, David Thewlis, Fairuza Balk, Ron Perlman
Riff Year: 2006
Riffers: Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy
Selected Short: One Got Fat (short also riffed by Bill Corbett)

Do you find that you're sleeping a little too well as of late? That your dreams are of the innocuous stripe, i.e., old friends turning into llamas and eating your baseball hat, rather than full out, scream-yourself-awake nightmares followed by 15 minutes of sweating and shallow breathing interrupted by occasional anxiety-induced "whale flips" that rip the covers off your significant other?

Well, then we've got a short for you! One Got Fat is the real deal - a concentrated dose of lab-purified nightmare fuel. To give away too much would be to blunt the surprise of your upcoming trauma... but here's a hint: A teeming sea of pre-adolescent ur-monkeys are murdered one by one, all to the whimsical narration of the lubricious Edward Everett Horton! Yay!

Mike, Bill and Kevin are there with you, shivering in terror in the dark.



“A bicycle safety film where APES EVOLVE FROM MEN? There’s got to be an answer!”
“Don’t look for it, Mike! You may not like what you find!”

For the most part I made a conscious effort to pair up shorts that I feel match the feature films I’ve selected. Given the theme of man-ape hybrids, I thought One Got Fat was a natural choice for The Island of Dr. Moreau, even though admittedly it would have been better for a Planet of the Apes film. But Planet of the Apes wouldn’t have made for Halloween fare, so Dr. Moreau it is.

One Got Fat shows a bunch of children dressed as monkeys failing to obey bicycle safety laws, and thus die horribly. In case you’re wondering what the title “One Got Fat” has to do with anything, apparently the moral of the story is that if all your friends die on the way to the park, then you get to eat their lunches.

This is, like, a law. Or something.

This is one of my favorite Rifftrax shorts, if not my very favorite. I’m a sucker for Planet of the Apes references and this short is predictably filled to the brim with them, with constant bringing up “ape law” and “the Forbidden Zone.” They also travel down the path of poo flinging jokes, which I’m less fond of. But let’s face it, this short is just asking for them.

And now, our feature presentation...

And the people cried out with one voice, "Maketh us a movie in which Marlon Brando can don a muumuu, false teeth, clown white make-up and a really gay bonnet.

See that it also stareth Val Kilmer at his scenery-chewing best. And, yea, putteth the extras in hot, smelly animal suits and maketh you the plot absurd." And, lo, did John Frankenheimer deliver unto us The Island of Dr. Moreau. And it was good. Truly, you must see it to believe it.

But you must only see it accompanied by this RiffTrax, for which Mike enlisted the talents of Kevin Murphy, or else you WILL die.



In sixth grade I had a teacher who really pushed us to read, and he had a pile of books in which he let us take home one per week and do book reports. We all had our favorites, but personally I gravitated toward the work of HG Wells (as well as Jules Verne). The Island of Dr. Moreau wasn’t a part of his library disappointingly enough, but that summer a feature film version of it was going to hit theaters. Having enjoyed the Wells books that I had read, I was really anxious to see it. It wasn’t until it’s television premiere that I actually finally got to see the movie, and I found myself a little dumbfounded at the experience. I didn’t dislike a lot of movies back then, to an extent I still don’t, but something about this movie just kind of stunned me. It was like being hit by a whirlwind of garbage.

Many years after, all the stories of behind the scenes drama came to light: original director Richard Stanley being fired, Val Kilmer’s erratic behavior in the midst of his divorce, Marlon Brando’s slightly less erratic behavior in the aftermath of his daughter’s suicide, going months over schedule, wild orgies on set, and many other fun stories. It could almost be a movie on its own, and it probably would be way more entertaining.

If you haven’t checked out the film documentary on the making of this movie, Lost Soul, I highly recommend it. It makes you almost want to watch this movie again. You know, before you remember that you’d rather have the vicious animal people claw your eyes out before setting sight on the DVD cover.

As for the movie, The Island of Dr. Moreau has David Thewlis (many years before being the wrinkly old man God of War in Wonder Woman) being shipwrecked and picked up by Val Kilmer, who brings Thewlis back to the (dun dun DUN) Island of Dr. Moreau. Dr. Moreau turns out to be an eccentric Marlon Brando, giving less of a damn than ever before. Moreau creates a colony of human-animal hybrids of which he controls as their god, though they desire to revert to their animal nature.

At the core this is a great story. Basically it relates through sci-fi/horror man’s complex relationship with God (or the idea of one). Moreau creates his children, tells them they must follow his commandments and repress their nature, and in the end they refuse, separate themselves from their god, and let chaos reign when life has no rules.

The problem is that the movie is a freak. It’s an ugly disaster from beginning to end. But it’s almost a beautiful freak, because it’s presentation of being such a geek show is almost enhances the themes and subject matter of the film. It’s really a wonder to behold for all the wrong reasons. For that I can recommend watching the film, but don’t expect to enjoy it.

But I could talk about this stupid movie all day, what of the Rifftrax? As over-the-top and freakish as the movie is, I daresay it lends itself PERFECTLY for riffing. Each scene is a beautiful set-up and Mike and Kevin just tee the ball onto the green. Val Kilmer and especially Marlon Brando are ripe targets taken advantage of, as well just the chaotic plot of the movie.This has been a favorite Rifftrax of mine for a while, because this is exactly the type of movie their catch phrase “some movies have it coming” is talking about.

I still haven’t read the novel yet, though it’s been on my to read pile for a few years now. I have seen the two other film versions, and like almost everyone else I definitely side with Island of Lost Souls being the best one (by quite a long shot too).

Of note: Being a resident of Idaho I live only a few cities over from Val Kilmer. A few years ago I introduced my then-girlfriend to Rifftrax with The Island of Dr. Moreau and we had a good laugh at Kilmer’s expense throughout. A week later she called me up all excited claiming that Kilmer was just in the hardware store she worked at. Apparently he was working on a deck at his house looking for some sort of primer that they were supposedly the closest store that had it in stock. She claimed she felt guilty about how much we mocked him yet he was very nice to her.

If I were in her spot, I would have just shouted “BATMAN!” and ran away.

You'll need to try harder than that to get old Doomsday's goat.

Day Two: The Del Toro Criterion Triple Feature


Cronos


For Christmas this year my partner bought me Criterion's Trilogía de Guillermo del Toro because she is wonderful. It's an excellent gift, one made especially exciting by the fact that I had yet to see the first film in the set, Del Toro's directorial debut Cronos. The film is a pretty neat take on vampirism, wherein a small metallic device created by an alchemist in the 16th century can bestow immortality but the subject takes on the vampire's traits. That's a pretty creative way to tell a vampire story and it's also interesting that the main character/victim is a kindly old gentleman. The film was clearly lower-budget, but Del Toro works around those limitations nicely, delivering some solid atmosphere, cool visuals, and even neat make-up effects.

Cronos definitely feels like a first time film. It's a little rocky in spots and Del Toro's ambitions definitely dwarf his screenplay, which could have used some tightening. On it's own, I'm not sure how significant it would be, but it does suggest the greater things Del Toro would go on to do.

B


The Devil's Backbone


It had been years since I'd first seen The Devil's Backbone and I had expected it would go down on this rewatch. In actual fact, my appreciation for the film has been renewed. On one level, the film is a ghost story, it might actually work better as an engaging drama. This is a fascinating movie with a collection of well-drawn characters who are only revealed to be more interesting as the film plays out. The story is also well woven, initially seeming very simple, being revealed as more complex, and ultimately returning to a simple but poignant conclusion.

Comparing this to Cronos, one can see Guillermo del Toro's growth as a filmmaker. The Devil's Backbone is a lot more confident visually and there is some really compelling imagery. Del Toro also creates a pretty unique design for a ghost which serves both as a creepy image but also a sympathetic one. The performances Del Toro gets from his actors are also quite strong. Occasionally, the film does feature a lackluster special effect and I do think the film is too quick to reveal the ghost to the audience, but Del Toro's work remains dignified and well-done.

Overall, The Devil's Backbone remains a pretty strong and highly underrated effort. While it doesn't quite excel at the level of Pan's Labyrinth, the film is a very stirring and powerful exploration of war, violence, and the effects of both on children.

A


Pan's Labyrinth


Guillermo del Toro is a great filmmaker who has made quite a few good movies, but it almost goes without saying that Pan's Labyrinth is his masterpiece. The film is set in 1944 during the aftermath of the Spanish Civil War and said girl is Ofelia (Ivana Baquero), an eleven year old whose mother (Ariadna Gil) is married to a brutal fascist Captain Vidal (Sergi Lopez). Vidal only values the woman for breeding (she is pregnant with what he hopes is a son) and has even less use for young Ofelia. While Vidal wages war against the guerrilla army of rebels in the forests, Ofelia discovers a strange world of fantasy. A creature called the Faun (Doug Jones) informs Ofelia that she is actually a princess to a kingdom and must compete three tasks to reclaim her thrones. As Ofelia attempts this, efforts to overthrow Vidal serve to bring yet more tension to the family relationship.

Pan's Labyrinth follows a long-standing fantasy tradition wherein a young girl is transported to a magical world of fantasy, but the results are a lot less whimsical then they tend to be in most stories. Part of this is that the fantasy elements are a lot more grim than they tend to be in comparable films. The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland may have their dark moments, but Pan's Labyrinth is basically a full-on horror film. The creatures Ofelia encounters, even the seemingly kind ones, are genuinely frightening in design, and others in intent. Much of the film's appeal is rooted in the amazing designs. The Faun, the Frog, and the Pale Man are all amazing works of creature design and the special effects used to bring them to life (a mixture of make-up, animatronics, costume, and CGI) are excellent. This is one of the most visually accomplished films of recent memory. In addition to the amazing creatures, the cinematography is breathtaking, the costumes work well, and the film makes great use of some very interesting locations.

It's also crucial that the domestic reality Ofelia is escaping is a very dark one. The backdrop of war carries tremendous weight and the longer the film goes the more it feels Ofelia is truly trapped. The elements of war in the film are so well-realized in fact they would make for compelling cinema even with the fantasy elements removed. The struggles of the rebel group are compelling and Vidal is an extremely well-drawn villain. He's a hard bastard who will kill or torture without flinching but he also always remains human. Part of this is the performance from Sergi Lopez, which is very subdued and all the more powerful because of it.

This harsh backdrop makes a story of escape through fantasy far more profound than it tends to be. As one might expect, this is a story which plays with whether or not the fantasy elements are real or just a manifestation of the protagonist's mind. The film makes it clear that only Ofelia is able to see and interact with the fantasy elements of the story but it also implies they might have a tangible effect on the real world. Whether you take the fantasy on-screen as literal or not, either way the film works as an effective exploration of escaping real-world troubles. However it's thematic depth does not end there. On it's most basic level, Pan's Labyrinth is really about choice. The fascist characters have given up their choice and have chose to obey without question, whereas the rebels have chosen to fight in spite of the costs. This struggle is eventually felt in Ofelia, whose final test is a choice between blind obedience for safety vs. free action and uncertainty. It's ultimately a very simple message, but one expressed very purely.

Pan's Labyrinth sees Guillermo Del Toro at complete mastery of his craft. The visual imagination on display is astounding, the cinematography is gorgeous, and each scene is constructed extremely well. The performances are also quite strong. I've already talked about Sergi Lopez, but Maribel Verdu also delivers a really compelling performance as Vidal's housekeeper secretly supporting the rebels. Much of her performance is understated, but in the second half of the film her character has a lot thrust on her. Watching her react to this change is very poignant and leads to some powerful moments. The film also tells a story which is very compelling on a surface level but also explores some core themes with remarkable depth and insight. In short, the film is an amazing accomplishment, one which excels in every way.

A+

I'll be checking this trilogy out for the first time later this month. After that, beyond some of the Invisible Man sequels (which from what I've gathered are kind of disposable), I'll have seen the majors of the Universal classic monsters. Well, I guess I haven't seen The Phantom of the Opera (1943) either, but that seems a bit distant.

31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN

SATAN'S SLAVE (1976)



Alfred the Butler has skeletons in the closet. You would too if you'd spent your latter years caring over a billionaire who dresses like a bat and fights crime at night. In Satan's Slave, Candace Glendenning plays a heavily medicated person struggling to distinguish nightmares and reality. Yeah... it's one of those. Michael Gough plays her creepy uncle that's into occult sex fetishes. It's a porno disguised as a horror movie. It's nothing special, but if you're gonna watch one, it might as well be the one with Alfred the Butler.

31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN

ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968)



Rosemary's Baby is a horror movie for people who don't like horror movies. Mia Farrow plays a wife sacrificed by her husband to a satanic cult in exchange for fame and fortune. She gives birth to the son of the devil... and that's it. Nothing really happens. It's just two and a half hours of Mia Farrow looking anorexic and occasionally reading a book on witchcraft. Meh.

Day Three: I Am Legends


The Last Man on Earth


The Last Man on Earth was the first adaptation of I Am Legend and while it has a lot of problems the film is quite interesting in a number of ways. This adaptation actually tries to incorporate the twist ending from the source material and while the execution is a little botched it nonetheless remains a strong and chilling idea. This is also a precursor to the zombie movie subgenre. Technically, the creatures here are vampires, but their attack patterns and the ways in which they are combated highly resemble what we would later see from George A. Romero. The film also features a reliable turn from the great Vincent Price. For all these positives however, I can see why The Last Man on Earth never really took off. The filmmaking here is generally kinda sloppy. Not only are directors Ubaldo Ragona and Sidney Salkow unable to create the right atmosphere of tension and dread, but even basic technical aspects like sound mixing and dubbing are noticeably off. There are also some bizarre decisions, like the fact that the vampire/zombie things talk. Still, The Last Man on Earth does some interesting things and it is a historic piece in horror cinema. That's enough to earn a slight pass in spite of the filmmaking flaws.

B-


The Omega Man


This is the third of three major adaptations of I Am Legend I set myself up to see. Strictly as an adaptation of Robert Matheson's writing, this is easily the weakest. The film is content to be a straight-up low-budget action schlock fest and the notion that the creatures are in anyway sympathetic is straight up laughed at in the movie. As such, a lot of the brilliance of the original story is stripped out and what remains is Charlton Heston with a gun shooting at monsters. The film's apocalyptic vibe also fades in and out and at times feels like a generic 70s action movie and a dated one at that. These are inherent weaknesses, but that doesn't mean The Omega Man can't be fun. Indeed, there are some solid moments here including a cool reveal shot involving the female lead. I also like the look of the Family and I do think they make for fun villains even if they are a complete betrayal of Matheson's writing. Even as fun schlock though, this is hindered by some subpar set-pieces, lame characters, and horrendous score. The film is kind of alright, but best judged with the right attitude.

So overall, these adaptations are sort of interesting in that none of them work fully. The Last Man on Earth definitely comes the closest thanks to its interest in exploring the material's dark ending, but is ultimately hindered by some sloppy filmmaking. The Will Smith vehicle I Am Legend, on the other hand, has strong production value, does a really good job showing what life for the last man on earth is like and the building loneliness, but it's cop-out, studio approved ending is a pile of bullshit. If you could smash these two adaptations together you'd probably have something special. As for The Omega Man, well, it's based viewed as a schlock action movie, no more.

C-

31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN

THE EXORCIST (1973)



Can we take a moment to acknowledge the difference between horror and mainstream horror? Fans of horror tend to have a dark sense of humor. It’s why movies like Evil Dead are popular among the base. The mainstream, however, actually take this stuff seriously. Best example of that is The Exorcist. Let’s be frank. It’s a comedy. How can you watch Linda Blair and not laugh? There’s literally a scene where she’s shoving a cross up her pussy. This movie couldn’t have been made with a straight face. I don’t care what William Friedkin says. He’s mocking the very people that find the movie terrifying. And that’s kinda what hurts it too. Unlike The Omen where Richard Donner said fuck it and went straight for the camp, Friedkin had to kinda ground it in reality. That’s just a waste of time. Just get to the vomit and profanity. This could have been a great 90 minute horror movie but instead it’s 2 hours of mainstream pandering with moments of hilarity sprinkled in.

I wanted more creative kills out of Belko. When everything became guns it got boring, despite fine performances from the main leads and McGinley

Anthony Zerbe rocks. And yeah, Heston feels weird. Watching him make out with a much younger woman is pretty gross. One thing I will give the movie is White Zombie sampled some dialogue pretty well in the song "Creature of the Wheel", so the movie has made my life better.